balderdash :)

Don't you think it's funny?

What's funny?

The fact that you're so madly, deeply in love.

Why should that be funny? As a human being, I'm perfectly capable and deserving of that emotion/feeling.

That is so.

Why that stupid grin on your face then?

When I met you, I never thought I 'd see this face of yours.

What did you expect then? That I'd never fall in love?

No, no, not that. I just thought you'd be more in control of the situation and your emotions. You're a giggling, stupid-er version of your earlier self.

Am I so?

Yes, you are. But this one is definitely more lovable. One you could cuddle up to.

So - if I understood you correctly - to be capable of your love, one has to dumb down several notches?? 

Of course. I want to be the one who cracks all the funny jokes.

With that stupid grin of yours?

Yes.

I think I could live with that. And this giggling.

I know.

A harmless question

Would you love me even if I hated you?

What kind of question is this?

A hypothetical one.

I can see that. What I want to know is where it came from.

From my mind.

Full points for being a smart Alec. But zero for clarity.

Can't you just answer the question? Without asking a hundred in return?

And could you refrain from asking questions that don't make sense at all?

It's a simple yes/no question.

No, it isn't. I know that whatever I answer, you have an interpretation ready in some corner of your mind.

So how does that obviate the question?

It doesn't. But it does render it moot.

But that doesn't mean you can't answer it.

I will not add fuel to whatever stupid fire you've lit in that little devil's workshop of yours.

C'mon, be a sport!

Fine! Yes, I would!

If you would, why would I ever hate you?


:colon dee:

Point-of-no-return

How can I be sure that I am in love - the love people keep talking about, the love I had always wished I would stay away from??

Let’s discuss the symptoms you have. We’ll make the diagnosis later.

I keep having these dreams of her. I try but they just won't go away.

But this has happened to you for so many other girls. A passing infatuation - a crush as it is called - would have the same effect.

I love talking to her, or rather - listening to her.

This could be true for so many other people - members of both sexes. It could easily happen with people who share their interests and passions with you. You don't fall in love with every person you love to talk to.

There are times when I suddenly remember an incident involving the two of us. And it invariably brings a smile to me.

What’s the big deal here? Look, she's your friend, we aren't debating that. It’s but obvious that you'll remember the happy times you've spent with your friend and this memory will obviously lift your spirits.

I can't watch any romantic movie without imagining the two of us in place of the protagonists in the film.

Now, that's what we call an overdose of this genre of movies. Remember Pavlov and his dog?? You’ve been similarly conditioned by all those flicks you've watched all your life. You have a chat with a girl and the next logical step for you is a dinner and then dates. And then the two of you end up spending the rest of your life happily ever after. Bullshit!
 
No other girl interests me these days.
 
Oh! So you are monogamous?? Now there must have been something that attracted you to this particular girl in the first place. This something must have been a factor differentiating her from the rest of the crowd. So while you're stuck on this one quality of hers, there's a slim chance that you'll like anyone else. But it still doesn't prove that 
You’re in love with her.
 
But she's so beautiful.
 
There you go. It was this superficial attraction from the beginning, wasn't it??
 
It isn't only her beauty that I like in her. She has many other qualities.
 
Of course she has. So have many others - and you know that.
 
But I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. And I know this didn't happen for anyone else. I want her to be with me forever. I don't care if I don't talk to her, or don't see her - only if someone can assure me that this hiatus would lead to an everlasting continuity.
 
Why, then you are surely, madly, deeply in love. 

Shit!!!

Idiotese

You know, I often wonder - why you chose me over all the others that wooed you. Come to think of it, I didn't even woo you properly.

It isn't a conscious choice that guides you in such matters. It’s just an instinct that I followed.

But what if your instinct proves to be wrong at some later date?

Now that i have made the choice, i am willing to stand by it, come what may.

Even if that means going down with a sinking ship?

Yes, even if means that. But i won't let the ship sink, not if I have a say in that.

Do you really have a hope of reforming a stubborn idiot?

No, i don't. i couldn't have such a hope. It’s for the idiot to realise he isn't so much of an idiot after all.

Oh! So now you are resorting to giving lectures - the very thing i hate.

And now you are resorting to what you are best at - trying to shoo away the very people who love you. What’s your problem anyway?

I don't know.

You don't know or you don't want to know?

Why wouldn't I want to know?

Because that would put on you the responsibility to take corrective measures. And you have been running away from responsibilities all your life.

But being in love with you is a responsibility I’ve agreed to undertake.

Oh!! And what a task it is - to carry on a conversation when we meet and to keep in touch through mails and phone calls when we don't. You call that a responsibility??

Shouldn’t I?

Ask yourself.

I think it is one hell of a responsibility.

You really make me doubt my decision sometimes.

There, I caught you. What was all that talk about going down with a sinking ship, eh?
 
What’s this?? A debate competition where you try to score brownie points for every grammatical mistake??
 
Whatever it is, you admitted that you doubt your decision sometimes. That means you are not sure that you are in love with me.
 
The decision I was thinking of was the decision to try to talk you out of your idiot world. But I guess you revel in this pastime. So I guess I’ll have to live with this.
 
You know, you are an idiot yourself. Because of your choice you are stuck with an idiot. We’ll have no problem communicating, i think. There isn't much difference in our intelligence levels anyway. We’ll call our language idiotese.
 
Sometimes, i hope you stay this lovable idiot that you are. 

Immeasurable love

How much do you love me?

In meters or in kilograms?

Huh?

"How much" and "How many" imply a metric. Hence the question.

Can't you just say something nice?

I wouldn't be answering the question then.

So how would you exactly measure love in meters/kilograms?

That was a sarcastic comment. But you really got me thinking.

About what?

About this metric.

You must be kidding.

No, I am not. There could be pheromonal or physiological measures but since those would require specialised equipment, I think we will have to come up with social measures.

Like the time you spend with me as a percent of total available time?

Hmm.. we will have to have a weighted average. Some activities like a date will have to have greater weightage than say, talking to you on the phone while watching tv.

Agreed.

We could build a dictionary of words I use in my mails. Do a before and after. Do the same for you. And find out how many words/phrases I picked up from you. Though I can't think of a way to convert it into a relative measure.

Hmm... We can't have a comparative measure here as I'm the only one you have ever fallen in love with. Your emails go back about five years. I'm sure if you could isolate your normal rate of vocabulary increase, you can get the additional impetus the interactions with me have given.

That could be done. While we are with words and sentences, I could measure the frequency with which you figure in my social reactions - in mails, status updates and blogs. 

That would be like every single time!

I know. I am so in love with you! But I think any measure of love should not just factor me.

What do you mean?

I mean, why stop at quantifying the amount of love. We should also measure its efficacy. In other words, how it has made you reciprocate.

Couldn't we simply use the same metrics on me?

We could. But it wouldn't underscore the importance of our relationship vis-a-vis our other social interactions.

Ha! My phone bills would be ample testimony!

Mine have also shown a spike.

Not as much as mine.

Well, that is maybe because whenever I call, you are busy with something. And I always make time for you when you call.

If you are going to call a hundred times in a day, I'm going to be busy for most of those calls. 

It's not a hundred.

I agree. it's more!

I love talking to you.

I know that.

So that settles it?

I love you a lot?

I guess it does.

:D

Instant Shadi

Will you marry me?

What did you say just now?

Will you marry me?

Are you out of your mind??!!!

No, I'm entirely in my senses.

But we met only yesterday!

So?

Isn't it presumptuous of you to pop that question in what is only our second meeting?

See, I could go about the whole courtship business. Take you out on dates, get to know you better etc etc. And then put up that question. 

I'm assuming you find something amiss with this process.

See, it's thus. The whole dating process (and I'm assuming here is that it ends with the couple tying the knot) is a four-phase process. Made-up phase, make-out phase, make-up phase and make-do phase.

Huh?!!!

It's all quite simple. In the beginning, the made-up phase, the two people try to put up their best selves forward (which might not be their true selves). This is followed by physical attraction - the make-out phase. The closer they come, the more the faults become glaring, leading to fights and burying of hatchets, only to dig them up again. Hence the make-up phase. Finally, having spent so much of time loving and fighting, they realise that even though they can't live with each other, they can't live without each other too. Ergo, the make-do phase.

And going straight to marriage is the solution?

I'm not saying it's the perfect one. But marriage brings a seriousness to the relationship from the very beginning. You might think it's a spur-of-the-moment decision but any decision involving forever can't be anything but serious. I'm willing to forego the "trying things out" part of the relationship.

You think you are quite smart, don't you?

Well, I'm quite a bit, I admit.

And you think a litany can substitute for almost everything?

Well, if the words are sincere, why not?

How long did it take you to come up with that convoluted logic?

The whole of yesterday night.

You must have rehearsed it then?

Only thrice.

Hmm.. You are really committed to this, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Okay, I'm willing to give it a try.

You are really going to marry me?

Are you stupid? I said we'll go out and we'll see. 

Ohh! The courtship business!

Do you have a problem with that?

Not really. See, the whole process can be re-classified into three phases with an optimal strategy for each. 

Shut up. And take me out.

Oh. Okay.

Two sides of the same coin

I hate you.

No, you don't.

No, I do.

No, you don't.

You are not the decision maker here.

I know. And still I say, you don't hate me.

You are being arrogant.

No, I'm not. Tell me, why do you hate me?

Because you make me feel miserable.

Define miserable.

Look it up in the dictionary.

I know what it means. I just want to know what you mean by that.

You make me cry.

Because I love you?

No, it's not because of that. I know no one could have loved more.

Then, why?? I could tell you why but you won't like the answer.

You are saying you know me better than I do myself?

That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that I could tell you things you are afraid to say to yourself.

Shoot!

You are afraid to lose control, you don't want to lose yourself in emotions that might get out of hand.

How do you know that?

Because for all this time I've been in love with you, you've kept me out of your inner world.

And you have been ever-insistent on barging in..

Yes, I have done that. Not because I wanted to interfere. But only because I wanted to share.

Share what? Your sense and understanding of the world ? And thrust it upon me?

If you had just given up that line of thought for one small moment, you would have seen that it's not much different from yours. It's a dream we've seen together. It's just that you refuse to acknowledge your share.

I'm not a dreamer.

In your own obstinate way, you are. You just don't want to share your dreams. Not even with the one the dream is for.

You are making me cry again.

I am just making you see the fact that I would NEVER want to change you. Because the way you are, is the way I've fallen in love with. Why would I ever want to change that?

Can you promise me that you will keep trying to drill some sense no matter how stubborn I am?

I will. And you know that.

Yes, I do.

Now, stop crying.

Yes, I should.

arm-twisting tactics

ask me out to lunch.

but i hardly know you.

would you have asked me out if you knew me?

that would have depended on the outcome of the whole knowing-you-process.

so how exactly do you expect to carry out this process?

you are assuming that i want to know you in the first place.

don't you?

i may or may not. but i am certainly not taking orders.

how do you decide who you want to know better?

it's not an exact science.

i bet it's not rocket science either. what are your thumb rules?

i don't know!! i don't put conscious thought into that decision.

ok. so you are saying that your knowing-you-process starts from a shaky premise.

i never said that.

yes, you did. and in so many words.

but it's my prerogative. i choose who i want to know better. and i am free to deploy whatever techniques i might want to.

yes, but you could at least be consistent in your approach.

i am.

are you sure?

i don't have a recorded scientific cause-effect analysis on this subject!!

ok. coming back to what we were talking about, would you like to know me better? what do your ''techniques'' conclude?

hmph!! having spent so much time arguing, i very well might.

and how will you go about this knowing-you-better-process?

by spending some more time with you.

in ways such as?

in ways such as.. taking you out to lunch.

there you go!

*dumbfounded silence*

man of few words

i don't want to talk to you.

okay.

for ever.

okay.

do you realize that i'm breaking up with you?

yes, i do.

and you are okay with it?

i've seen it coming for quite some time now.

i just want you to know that nothing you say or do now is going to change my decision.

i'm not going to say or do anything. you must have put enough thought into the decision.

i can't believe you are letting it go just like that. i was expecting a big tamasha.

then you don't me yet. and i'm not letting you go.

so i was right?

no. it will all be in my mind. nothing that should affect you.

you know, the earlier thing about not knowing you. you have done absolutely nothing to make that easier.

i know.

god knows how i have tried. i can't take it anymore.

i know.

is this all a big joke to you? here i am, crying and you stand there just like that?

my time for tears will come too.

whatever. listen, i've got to go. i wish i could have parted with some nice words. but frankly, i have none.

i can understand.

unsaid

so, what's your story?

why do you think i should have a story?

so you're saying you don't have one?

i didn't say that!

that means you have one!

i didn't say that either!!

ha ha! i caught you there, didn't i?

but seriously, why do you think i have a story?

there's a faraway look in your eyes. like you're searching for someone else in me.

really, is it that evident?

i wouldn't have known otherwise, would i?

what if there is no story and i'm still searching for someone else?

you would have told me then, i think. among all the nonsense we've talked about.

so you mean to say i'm hiding something?

not hiding exactly. it's just a story that's stuck with you and refuses to go away.

hmm...

so are you going to tell me?

some other day, maybe.

you know, you don't need to.

thank you for that.

things that go bump in the night

he felt a dull pain in the pit of his stomach. as if he'd been kicked hard in the solar plexus. the thing he had dreaded the most all these days had happened after all. there she was, someone he'd thought he'd never see again. had actually prayed this shouldn't happen. and what was she doing in this city, of all places? she had no reason to visit this city, as far as he knew. but then, it had been so many years - 3 years 5 months 12 days to be exact - and he didn't know much about her anyway.

but the reasoning and recap could be dealt with later. there was an immediate problem at hand. he had no idea what his expression was like at that particular instant: surprise, teary remembrance, feigned smile..? he was afraid all this must have summed up into one big constipated demeanor. hell, she was walking toward him. why couldn't she have simply turned and walked away? or why hadn't he run away the moment their eyes met?

there was no escape possible now. what was he going to say?? there were actually so many things to say but he'd vowed to himself he would never say them to her. so should he just say 'hi'? an intimate past reduced to a 'hi'? a life of loving her (at least this was what it had seemed to him then) and a 'hi'?

hi

there it was again.. the kick to his stomach..

hi!! it's been so long since i last saw you!

3 years, 5 months, 12 days since the day you went away..

oh yes, i moved out of the city. job change and all, you know. earning a living is tough these days.. so what are you up to these days?

please don't answer that. please please. i don't want to know anything about your life any more. makes me realise i'm not a part of it. and won't ever be..

just the same. sticking to the old job.. but thinking of shifting.. am here to give an interview..

and there it was! the reason why he didn't want the answer. what should he do now? pray that she gets the job now and he might have a chance of running into her at some corner another day. or pray she stays away so he doesn't throw himself into the same circles again?

oh! super! so have you given it or is it scheduled later?

arre i gave it yesterday. actually it went quite okay. i think i'll get the job.

fuck!!

congratulations!!!

don't ask the company. don't ask the company.

so which lucky company is it?

haha! i don't know if they are lucky or not. it's the same company you work in.

that smile again! how hard he had tried to forget it. and the accompanying crinkling at the edges of her eyes. but wait a sec! what did she say just now?

i'm sorry i didn't get you..

oh ho! i got a job in your office!

you mean this one!

he felt like an idiot actually pointing to the building he had just come out of. on second thought, he now had the reason why she was here. and he wasn't feeling good about the whole thing.

yes sir, THIS one!

oh!

why, is that a problem for you?

no, no, i mean...

yes, it is. how will i live with seeing you everyday and knowing that i can't love you? or remember everyday the day you left me. or go through the reasons you gave for leaving me. how will i now close the cupboard of memories i had somehow managed to lock shut. memories and all my dreams.

see, i know it's awkward. but you should also realise that we weren't meant to be together. i'm really sorry.

DON'T SAY THAT!

say what?

that you're sorry!

why so?

it's a convoluted reason. you wouldn't understand. anyway, congratulations once again. see you in office soon. bbye.

don't say sorry coz you can't be sorry for leaving me. or else you would have come back. no, you are sorry for starting it in the first place. for loving me ever. and i can't take that sorry. coz that's a love i hold dear still. even though i'll never tell you now. and suddenly, that project in the other city seems inviting... but for now, just run and don't look back...

(long) short story

see, please don't take this the wrong way. but i've grown rather fond of our conversations. there's this connection i've made with you that just hasn't happened ever before. time just flies by when i'm with you. you've come to mean much more than just a friend to me. i feel something missing the day i don't talk to you. and i try desperately not to have any such days. you might have noticed my stupid attempts to start a conversation or the insane reasons i give for calling you up. and there's also the bombardment of SMSs. you see, there's this desire to be in constant touch with you, to tell you things as soon as they happen, to make you the first one i share it with. i never thought i would feel like this with anyone but here i am, going through this whirlwind of emotions.

149 words and you still can't say 'i love you'.

you were counting?

yes, i was.

so what do you say?

i sat through 149 stupid words and am still sitting here. you still need an answer?

oh.

altar-cation?

i hate to bring this up, but i think i love you.

why would you hate to mention this?

i was hoping you'd say it. i'd rather not undergo the suspense around your decision.

so you are afraid that i will say no.

afraid? terrified!! mortally so!

but i thought we'd come to know each other fairly well after all this time we've spent.

you're saying that i should already know your answer?

something like that.

i can guess to a fair degree. but this is something where the smallest of uncertainty can kill me.

is it so?

i've never been more certain of anything in life than this love for you.

but you said you think you love me.

that was because i was nervous.

is that the only reason?

no, it's not.

out with it!!

i thought that if i began so and you refused, i could hide behind the fig leaf of confused emotions.

but what purpose would it have served?

that way, i could have remained friends with you.

you really think you could have done that?

i know i couldn't. but i would have tried.

why?

because i can't bear the thought of not talking to you. of not able to tell you things when i want to.

you love me so much?

yes, i do.

and you think i'd have let you reach this stage if i didn't love you myself?

you love me too?

yes, i do.

talking about love

i love talking to you.

but you hardly ever say anything.

that's because i love to listen to you.

but you never seem to get what i'm saying.

i love to watch you talking.

but half the time you are staring somewhere in distant space.

i love the sound of your voice.

but the other day, you couldn't recognise me on the phone.

i just love the fact that the two of us are sitting there, talking endlessly.

but you are always so fidgety, in a hurry to run away.

i love the feeling in my heart, that there's someone i can talk to. someone who'll listen to me.

really?

why else do you think i always come back?

premeditated countermoves

i love you.

not the first time i've heard that sentence.

can't i say it whenever i wish to?

you can. you can say whatever you want to.

then?

it makes me wonder...

if i actually love you?

no, not that. but i wonder why you need to say it again and again.

coz i want to!!!

still, i wonder if you are trying to convince someone.

you think i'm trying to convince you??

naah!! i think you are trying to convince yourself.

and you think that after all this time i still need to do it?

i'm just thinking aloud.

what if i just want to see the twinkle in your eye every time i say it?

really?

what if i told you i've never been more sure of anything?

ohkk!

what if i just like saying that with you close to me?

what if i knew it all along and was just checking?

oh!

now you know why i love you.

and why is that?

coz you are so stupid!

i love you.

i love you too!

anticipatory bail

i love you.

okay.

!!!!!!

what??

just an okay??

so what do you want?

do you know the amount of thought and courage that went behind that statement?

it isn't as if i don't know that you love me.

you know??

oh! come on!! the doting fool that you've been - it couldn't have been anything other than love.

so you've just been enjoying the attention all along??

while i had the chance, yes.

you could at least have told me!

what! and miss all that entertainment and attention?

so you don't love me?

now when did i say that?

!!!!

what??

so you love me?

of course i do.

then why didn't you tell me?

coz i was waiting for you to get sure about your love.

and what about your love?

if you had taken some time out of the crazy world you inhabit, you'd have seen that i've been sure right from the start.

oh!

i love you too.

tit for tat

you know, i could love you.

so what's stopping you?

umm.. i don't know what you feel for me.

so.. you mean to say.. that if i said i don't love you, you'd move on.

obviously.

you wouldn't try harder?

i might. but i won't tell you that now, will i?

clever!

so what do you say?

say about what?

about this whole "i could love you" thing?

you know, i could love you too.

romeo must die

i miss you. a lot.

why are you telling me all this?

coz you are the only one i can tell this to.

are you accusing me of leaving you?

no. and you know that.

but you'll have to let me go.

but i already have.

no, you haven't. or you wouldn't have said that first sentence.

but i really miss you.

there you go again.

i don't talk to you or write to you. isn't that letting go?

not until you stop thinking of me.

i'm only human.

but you'll have to understand that no matter what, i'm not going to return.

i don't think anyone knows that fact better than i do. not even you.

so why are you doing this to yourself ?

i don't know.

or may be you don't want to know.

does that make a difference?

it doesn't.

nothing can change the fact that i miss you.

i know.

XOR

you're beautiful.

what?? where did this come from??

why? can't i even praise you?

surely, you can. and i would like you to. but still, where did this come from?

i don't need to have a reason to praise you.

oh!! so much of love. the first time i'm seeing this.

i've decided to turn a new leaf.

and this 'you're beautiful' is a declaration of that event?

well, you always complained that i was never expressive enough.

so, is this the expression of an already existing feeling or a new realization altogether?

well, both.

both?

i mean, i always knew you were beautiful. but now that i've decided to say it out, i find you more beautiful, and in many other ways too.

oh!!

just an 'oh'? i pay you a compliment and all i get is an 'oh'?

i'm thinking. i'm just not used to all this.

well, you better get used to all this. coz this is going to be the flavor from now on.

oh!!

again an 'oh'?

i guess, only one of us can be expressive at a time.

ha!! caught you!!

yup! right now, i'm just dumb.

and you're beautiful.

accidental proposal

i'm thinking of falling in love with you.

thinking?

so what's wrong with that?

nothing. but i'd rather you didn't put so much of conscious thought into this process.

but thinking also involves thinking about you.

really?

yup... all the time..

i think it's more of evaluating and less of thinking.

so what's wrong with that?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?? i thought you will accept me as i am.

that i will. but i should know what you are, shouldn't i?

you sure know how to talk smooth!!

how else do you think i snared you?

WHAT did you just say?

hmm... erm... nothing....

i'm no more than a prized catch to you, am i?

it's not like that...

so how exactly is it??

prized you are.. my most prized possession.

you think you possess me, you own me?

i'm certainly possessive about you.

words, words again.

it's only words, words are all i have...

STOP singing stupid songs!!!

:(

stop sulking.

:((

stop making puppy faces.

but i love you.

so all that thinking finally turned into actions?

erm.. what?

your first sentence.

oh!! yup [:D]!!

and i love you too.

-------------------------------

all's well that ends well.