The river and the lovers

the river flowed in a torrent

gushing forth in the rains

breaking down banks and

tearing down everything in its path

but somewhere downstream

it met a boy

sitting alone on the bank

while the river cut it from under him

forlorn, with a faraway look

in his empty glassy eyes

the river felt sorry for him

it called out to him

to run to the safety

of the hinterland

but the boy replied:

i'm waiting for her

she said she would meet me here

and i won't miss that chance

river or no river

the river was taken aback

and decided to leave him

to whatever fate had for him

but what does it see

there, on the other bank

is a girl sitting alone

with the same faraway look

and the same glassy eyes

it asked her to leave

and she gave the same reply

i'm waiting for him

and i wouldn't miss it for anything

now this had the river foxed

there they were, the two of them

waiting for each other

but doing nothing to meet

the river couldn't take it

and asked why they chose to do so

and they said:

we can't meet

not until a river flows between us

a river of hate, doubt and mistrust

a torrent of emotions

transient emotions

we know we'll swept away

if we tried to cross now

we are waiting for time

till the river slows down

waiting for the emotions

to turn into feelings

and thereafter into anchors

so that we have something to hold onto

coz the doubts won't all go away

the river will keep on flowing

we are waiting

to build the bridge of love.

-Pic by Basu.

The bubble burst

he sits there

tear-streaked cheeks

bleary eyed

staring at the place

where the white of the bedsheet

meets the white of the walls

voices have kept him awake

a strange cacophony

lulling him to sleep

only to snatch him from

the edge of the land of dreams

long has he sat and moped

blurring the lines between

words that were actually uttered

and ones he conjured up himself

his is a state of eerie nightmares

that stay for the day

she was here yesterday

and she's gone now

a strand of hair

on a tear-soaked pillow

is all that remains

he should remember

all the fights they had

and yet he remembers

the smile she smiled

and the tears she cried

it's morning now and

the light creeps up to him

touching his toes

he looks on, startled

straining to remember

the night that has been

-------------------

Photo by Basu. Those are my hands in the pic :). Had to burst about 20 of them before he got the perfect shot.

कितने दूर, कितने पास

 

 

 

We were too busy
In our I's
The 'us' that could be
Would never be seen
With closed eyes

Each one standing
With an outstretched arm
Hoping the other
Would take the first step
And so here we are
Standing orphaned
On our islands

And there are the words
Useless ones we threw around
All the beautiful ones
We threw away
An ugly beautiful cacophony
That now flows between us

So we stand here
A mere shout away
With dried up voices...

 

-------------------

 

Photo by Basu. It is the opposite of all that this poem talks of. And yet it somehow fits :)

two blips on a radar

one:
she stood in the sands, her feet barely wet. the waves looked intimidating and she was afraid to take another step forward. he saw her standing thus and understood what was going in her mind. he rested his chin on her shoulder, held her in an embrace and whispered in her ear: "if i promise to be your anchor, if i promise to protect you from every wave that threatens to wash you away, if i ask you to trust the love i have for you, would you still be afraid of these stupid waves??" she walked with him into the sea, almost in a trance.
it was the most beautiful day of her life.
 
two:
"what exactly is it that you would have me do?"
"just one thing. walk out of my life."
he was stunned.
"are you sure? not out of your room or house, but out of your life??"
"yes, yes, yes. out of my life."
"okay. whatever you say. but this won't stop me from loving you."
and he walked out.
it was the ugliest day of her life.

catch-22

जब से तुम गए हो, ये शहर

कुछ अनजाना अधूरा सा लगता है

पर इसे छोड़ कर जो जाना चाहूं

पैरों में कुछ बंधा जकड़ा सा लगता है

कि तुम्हारी यादें न हो तो कहीं

मन कुछ सूना खाली सा लगता है  

तुम्हे सोच सकूं जिसकी गलियों में

वो शहर जाना पहचाना अपना सा लगता है 

Image by Basu. Part of an experiment he did with incense smoke.

Marathon

he was running
he didn't know why
he didn't know from whom
the thought of stopping
had never occurred to him
and so he ran
and ran and ran

on every corner he passed
he would meet a girl
the same girl
and she would smile at him
a sad smile
wanting him to stay
he would breeze past her
and on and on

sometimes he wondered
if he was running in circles
or if the girl was an illusion
or if she could run faster
but he had no time for thoughts
he was running

then one day he realised
he had been running for nothing
and his heart told him
he was in love with the girl
and so he decided to stop
but he couldn't
he tried with all his might
but his legs had a mind of their own
they carried him away

he grew sadder by the day
the girl had stopped appearing
maybe she was waiting somewhere
waiting for him to stop
and this made him sadder
he stopped looking around
hung his head down in submission
and let his legs carry him

and when he stopped thinking
of everything else
he heard a strange sound
footsteps other than his own
he looked up in surprise
she was running with him

she was all red in face
and she was out of breath
but she knew he wanted to stop
and he knew she knew that
he tried harder to stop
she tried harder to keep up

and so the struggle continued
till his legs finally gave up
and he stopped
she looked into his eyes
smiled her sad smile
and dropped down dead

बातूनी बातें

तुम गए तो क्या हुआ
अब भी बातें करते हैं हम
अधूरे किस्सों को पूरा करते
तुमसे मिला करते हैं हम

पर ऐसे बातें करो तो
यादों पे शक होता है
कि जिनको गले लगाये बैठे हैं
वो मन का भरम तो नहीं हैं कहीं

अधूरे किस्से शायद
कभी शुरू ही ना हुए हों
तुमने कुछ कहा भी ना होगा
और हमने सब सुन लिया होगा

पर क्या करें, तुम संग बातें
तो कुछ और ही होती थीं
मिल पाते थे खुद से कहीं
वो रातें कुछ और ही होती थीं

सच हों या हो झूठ
बातों पे हमारा कोई बस नहीं
होती हैं तुमसे और होती रहेंगी
तुम यहाँ रहो या नहीं

तुम तो चले गए
अब बातों से ही यारी है
आदत ये हमारी
तुमने ही बिगाड़ी है

house vs home

तपती दीवारों के काँधे पर
सर रख कर रोते हैं हम
इस आशियाने के मरघट में
रात अकेले होते हैं हम
घर आने से रोज़ डरते हैं
नुक्कड़ पर रुक सा जाते हैं
जिस दिन से तुम गए हो, हम
अपने घर में पराये से रहते हैं

reality bites

बड़ी शिद्दत से हमने कभी
की थी उजालों की ख्वाइश
सोचा था होगा हमारा सवेरा
और किरणों की बारिश
पर शामों में सारे
अरमान धुल से गए
अँधेरे में हम कहीं एक
परछाईं बने रह गए

babbling bricks

ख़बरों की दुकान होते हैं
सुना है दीवारों के कान होते हैं
अकेले में कही बातें सुन लेते हैं
यादों की गठरी बना रख लेते हैं
इस कोठरी में पडा
तुमको सोच रहा हूँ
अपने बीच की दीवारों से
तुम्हारी बातें पूछ रहा हूँ
...

man of few words

i don't want to talk to you.

okay.

for ever.

okay.

do you realize that i'm breaking up with you?

yes, i do.

and you are okay with it?

i've seen it coming for quite some time now.

i just want you to know that nothing you say or do now is going to change my decision.

i'm not going to say or do anything. you must have put enough thought into the decision.

i can't believe you are letting it go just like that. i was expecting a big tamasha.

then you don't me yet. and i'm not letting you go.

so i was right?

no. it will all be in my mind. nothing that should affect you.

you know, the earlier thing about not knowing you. you have done absolutely nothing to make that easier.

i know.

god knows how i have tried. i can't take it anymore.

i know.

is this all a big joke to you? here i am, crying and you stand there just like that?

my time for tears will come too.

whatever. listen, i've got to go. i wish i could have parted with some nice words. but frankly, i have none.

i can understand.

wide-eyed

अजनबी आंखों में
कोई अपना सा दिखा था
मेरे सपनों का शहर
कहीं और भी दिखा था

घूरती आंखों की भीड़ में
कुछ अपनापन मिला था
कुछ जाना पहचाना सा
रेगिस्तान में ठिकाना मिला था

पर कुछ कह पाती मेरी आँखें
इस से पहले वो आँखें मुड़ गईं
मैंने तो सुनहरा सफर देखा
पर राहें कहीं और मुड़ गईं

कुछ देर ठहरा रहा मैं वहीँ
मन में कुछ सोचता रहा
घूरती आंखों की भीड़ में
वो प्यारी आँखें खोजता रहा

फ़िर एक भूली बिसरी याद
कुछ कंपा कर चली गई
जिनसे मिला था अभी मैं
वो आँखें देखीं थी मैंने पहले भी

पर इस अजनबी भीड़ में
अब वो भी अजनबी ही हैं
भीड़ वाली आंखों की तरह
वो भी बस घूरती ही हैं

तुम्हारी आंखों में कभी
मैंने ख़ुद को देखा था
जोड़ कुछ कच्चे धागे सोचा
अब अजनबी नही रहे
तुम से ख़ुद के मायने
ढूंढता मैं रह गया यहीं
अब जो तुम यहाँ नही
मैं भी मैं नही
----------------

inspired by this poem [which is much better than this one]. and the title song of socha na tha. photo by basu. i had named it 'look in my eyes'. hence its appearance in this post. ]

dream on!

and every time
i grow weary of
the winds beating my face
i look at my candle
and see how it's fighting
the winds with me
and i can open my eyes
to the strongest gales

and every time
i'm lost in the forest
stuck in a thorny embrace
bleeding and bleeding
i can see my butterfly
fluttering around me
and i can break free
to walk the stones again

and every time
the black-bricked walls and
the darkness in my heart
start drowning me
i peep out of
my white window
and i can see
my hope fairy flying by

[photo by Basu]

the 'hope fairy' is from pandora's tale. i have mentioned her previously too. here and here.

the water cycle

every day i wake up
and say to myself
i wouldn't think of you

then things happen
and even though i don't want
i remember

i talk to you
and tell you everything
all in my mind

i have you around me
all the shiny stars
in my small starry sky

and before i know it
i'm thinking of you
all through the day

every day i got to bed
crying to myself
thinking of you

things that go bump in the night

he felt a dull pain in the pit of his stomach. as if he'd been kicked hard in the solar plexus. the thing he had dreaded the most all these days had happened after all. there she was, someone he'd thought he'd never see again. had actually prayed this shouldn't happen. and what was she doing in this city, of all places? she had no reason to visit this city, as far as he knew. but then, it had been so many years - 3 years 5 months 12 days to be exact - and he didn't know much about her anyway.

but the reasoning and recap could be dealt with later. there was an immediate problem at hand. he had no idea what his expression was like at that particular instant: surprise, teary remembrance, feigned smile..? he was afraid all this must have summed up into one big constipated demeanor. hell, she was walking toward him. why couldn't she have simply turned and walked away? or why hadn't he run away the moment their eyes met?

there was no escape possible now. what was he going to say?? there were actually so many things to say but he'd vowed to himself he would never say them to her. so should he just say 'hi'? an intimate past reduced to a 'hi'? a life of loving her (at least this was what it had seemed to him then) and a 'hi'?

hi

there it was again.. the kick to his stomach..

hi!! it's been so long since i last saw you!

3 years, 5 months, 12 days since the day you went away..

oh yes, i moved out of the city. job change and all, you know. earning a living is tough these days.. so what are you up to these days?

please don't answer that. please please. i don't want to know anything about your life any more. makes me realise i'm not a part of it. and won't ever be..

just the same. sticking to the old job.. but thinking of shifting.. am here to give an interview..

and there it was! the reason why he didn't want the answer. what should he do now? pray that she gets the job now and he might have a chance of running into her at some corner another day. or pray she stays away so he doesn't throw himself into the same circles again?

oh! super! so have you given it or is it scheduled later?

arre i gave it yesterday. actually it went quite okay. i think i'll get the job.

fuck!!

congratulations!!!

don't ask the company. don't ask the company.

so which lucky company is it?

haha! i don't know if they are lucky or not. it's the same company you work in.

that smile again! how hard he had tried to forget it. and the accompanying crinkling at the edges of her eyes. but wait a sec! what did she say just now?

i'm sorry i didn't get you..

oh ho! i got a job in your office!

you mean this one!

he felt like an idiot actually pointing to the building he had just come out of. on second thought, he now had the reason why she was here. and he wasn't feeling good about the whole thing.

yes sir, THIS one!

oh!

why, is that a problem for you?

no, no, i mean...

yes, it is. how will i live with seeing you everyday and knowing that i can't love you? or remember everyday the day you left me. or go through the reasons you gave for leaving me. how will i now close the cupboard of memories i had somehow managed to lock shut. memories and all my dreams.

see, i know it's awkward. but you should also realise that we weren't meant to be together. i'm really sorry.

DON'T SAY THAT!

say what?

that you're sorry!

why so?

it's a convoluted reason. you wouldn't understand. anyway, congratulations once again. see you in office soon. bbye.

don't say sorry coz you can't be sorry for leaving me. or else you would have come back. no, you are sorry for starting it in the first place. for loving me ever. and i can't take that sorry. coz that's a love i hold dear still. even though i'll never tell you now. and suddenly, that project in the other city seems inviting... but for now, just run and don't look back...

spinning stories

blurred images speed past
as if i'm on a train

i hold you once again
and turn round and round
smiles meet grins
as we shout out in glee
i realise i love you
with everything i have

teary visions clear up
and baggy eyes light up

we sit there on the porch
looking at the stars up above
wishing upon each one
something for one another
i hold your hand
and my world's complete

the dark of the night
gives way to some light

we talk and talk
and empty our hearts out
and as you lay your head
gently on my shoulder
you know i'll be there for you
forever and ever

i have my finger on rewind

alternate reality

खामोश आँखें कहें तुम्हे ढेरों बातें
and they plead you to listen
सहमा मन कहने से डरे पर
wishing you understand nevertheless
सिमटा सा किसी कोने पे खड़ा
i hope you recognise me
सोचूँ तुम आंखों की बातें पढ़ लो सारी
and say something of your own
पर जानूं मैं ऐसा होगा न कभी
all these words will remain unsaid
आंसू बन कर बह जायेंगे कभी
and i'll be standing here at this corner
जाने क्यों ये सब जान कर भी
i believe you'll understand
वो सब जो मैं कहना चाहूँ
without me saying anything at all

[didn't come out quite right. the idea was to write it in a way that the hindi and english make sense both ways - taken alone and taken together.]

flashback

the place where i saw
your smile for the last time
the place where i let go
the hand i held so tight
the bend in the road

i don't know why
no matter where i go
no matter how fast i run
all my roads lead there
the bend in the road

then the sepia movie
plays all over again
and i wish once more
you hadn't gone away there
the bend in the road

here i stand now
being brought by fate
on my knees crying
hugging what's left of you here
the bend in the road

ज़िन्दगी के किसी रस्ते से
तुम इस मोड़ से गुजरो तो
ये कहेगा कि मैं यहाँ
बहुत देर रुका था
फ़िर ये सोच के चल दिया
कि कभी तुम इस मोड़ पे आओ
और मुझे यहाँ बैठा देख
रास्ते का रोड़ा ना पाओ

solar eclipse

there was this turmoil in his head. he just couldn't think clearly. so many feelings and counter-currents. why did she leave him? what mistake did he make? where? when?

this had been his routine everyday. walking the last kilometer to the office. sitting like a potato sack all day made him restless and he thought he'd give his legs some early morning work by doing so.

why did she say all those things she said? didn't he deserve a second chance? how can this be an unilateral decision?

the rag-picker kid found it strange that the bhaiya didn't even look at him today. that kid had been a part of this daily routine. they'd exchange smiles everyday. sometimes he'd bring him a chocolate or something. no words were ever spoken. the kid frowned to himself and ducked for cover as it started raining.

shit!! damn this rain!! he had again forgotten his umbrella. too much on his mind today. his first instinct was to run to the building nearby. but then he just felt rebellious. to hell with the rain!!

why was bhaiya getting drenched? he'd never been the type to do so. especially while going to office. it had always been crisp clean clothes he'd change everyday.

he found himself crying. straight-faced crying. like there was a disconnect between the thoughts and the tears.

bhaiya was walking so slowly! like a zombie! maybe there was something wrong! should he go and ask him? the kid ran from shelter to shelter, walking with him.

the sudden gust of wind almost woke him up from his reverie. the wet clothes and the rain combined to produce a shiver that chilled him to the spine. he realised that there was much more to his life than this useless moping.

he had stopped all of a sudden. frowning in concentration. the kid could see the hint of a smile forming at the edges of his lips.

he thought of the project at the office he had been so passionately involved in. why, he'd thought of something very innovative just yesterday! he couldn't wait to implement it!

yes, he was smiling. even though it was a reluctant smile. and there was this steely resolve conquering his face.

he looked up and saw the kid across the road. all these days he'd never talked to him. he thought he'd start today.

bhaiya smiled at him at last!! he was coming toward him..

and before the horrified kid's eyes, he stepped right into the path of an oncoming bus.

late goodbye

he knew it was the last time he'd ever talk to her. it wasn't anything she'd said. but he simply couldn't continue it anymore.

i'm the hollow hand of memories.

there were too many of them. all the memories. some real, some imaginary. choking him every time he'd try talking to her.

i'm the tangy taste of tears.

every time he'd talked to her after she went away - every single time - he'd ended up crying. not to her face. but afterward.

i'm the vicious vacuum of absence.

he knew he wasn't a part of her life any more. and he hated hearing about her from others. reminded him of how far they really had grown apart.

i'm the dead drumming of distance.

they could never be friends. he knew she'd never tell him any of the problems she might be facing. he could never care for her the way he wanted to.

i'm the impending implosion of inevitability.

they weren't meant to be together. ever. he had been forced by events to realise this. and so this day he was going to end it.

i'm the cold clutch of fear.

but how would it feel like? to never talk to her? not listen to that voice? or that laugh? a number on the phone that couldn't be dialed.

i'm the wistful wave of lost love.

"keep smiling. and take good care of yourself."

i'm the raucous ring of the death knell.

--------------------------

[written in 'fight club' style :). and yes, late goodbye is a wonderful song.]