Sense of Silence

can you see it?

the void of silence.

the eyes conjuring up

all the words you spoke

and your lips quivering on

some of the unsaid ones

can you feel it?

the clutch of silence.

overpowering, suffocating

forcing you to blurt out

and stopping them words

in a stranglehold

can you smell it?

the stench of silence.

wearing you with

a dementor-like demeanour

decaying words and thoughts

dead and living on

can you taste it?

the bitterness of silence.

shorn of the happy shimmer

life trundling along

lips smacking as they remember

the sweetness of words

can you hear it?

the sound of silence.

a deafening drone

drowning you down

the ears yearning to hear you

utter some words

Pic is by Basu. Taken at Lansdowne.

i-vs-love-vs-me

it's hard to find
where i end
and "we" begin
the ends tie together
the ties end together
it's the sunshine
playing with the shadows
and the shadows
where they were many
are now a porous existence
polka-dotted, grayed

is this love?
or a search for meaning
deep within myself?

----------

i tried to imagine
what i would be
if i weren't you
i would be me
but then again,
who am i?
----------

तुम्हे चाहते हैं हम इतना
कि दूर रहने की सोच
घबरा सा जाते हैं
पर कैसे कहें कि
खुद को खो कर
तुम्हारी इन राहों पे
हाथ थामे चलते
रुक से जाते हैं

-image is by Basu.

twist in the tale

एक ख्याल आया कि
बालू भरे जूते
थोड़े साफ़ कर लें
फिर सोचा कि
रेगिस्तान तो अभी
कई और भी हैं

-------

कोशिश करते रहे
धूसर दीवारों में
बाहर देखने को
झरोखे बना सकें...
एक नज़र उठा कर
देखा भी नहीं
सर पे हमारे सतरंगी
आसमान ताकता रहा

wakey wakey!

सुबह आँखें मलते
मैंने पूछा सूरज से
शर्म नहीं आती जगाते
हर सुबह नींद से
माना कि नौकरी करना
तुम्हारी मजबूरी है
पर सपने देखना
भी तो ज़रूरी है!

folly story

Ingredients of the case:
A flight ticket that bears the correct time, both on printout and boarding pass.
A check-in counter attendant of the same breed as me.
And finally, stupid stupid me!

The story:
Flight at 6:30. Naween Kumar wakes up at 4:30. Gets ready. Cab arrives at 5:00. Leaves for airport. Arrives safely. Checks in a bag. Goes thru security check. 15 mins to boarding. Tries to take a short nap. Is unsuccessful though. Is the first in line at the boarding gate. Asks the lady if boarding for the mumbai flight has started. Lady asks for boarding pass. Naween hands it over. She smiles.
'' Sir, you are booked on an evening flight!''

Consequences:
Surprisingly, minimum. Corporate booking ensures no rescheduling charges or fare difference. Naween books himself on a 8 am flight. Reschedules cab in mumbai.

Embarrassment:
Unsurprisingly, maximum.

Things that could have happened:
Naween could have noticed the time on ticket in the one week he has had it for. The check-in attendant could have noticed the time on the ticket. Naween could have done without the mental translation of the 24 hour format time on the ticket.

Learning of the story:
Wake up!

Chances of learning getting implemented:
Dim. Since Naween had arrived at a similar learning when he had done a similar exercise for a train booking.

Two sides of the same coin

I hate you.

No, you don't.

No, I do.

No, you don't.

You are not the decision maker here.

I know. And still I say, you don't hate me.

You are being arrogant.

No, I'm not. Tell me, why do you hate me?

Because you make me feel miserable.

Define miserable.

Look it up in the dictionary.

I know what it means. I just want to know what you mean by that.

You make me cry.

Because I love you?

No, it's not because of that. I know no one could have loved more.

Then, why?? I could tell you why but you won't like the answer.

You are saying you know me better than I do myself?

That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that I could tell you things you are afraid to say to yourself.

Shoot!

You are afraid to lose control, you don't want to lose yourself in emotions that might get out of hand.

How do you know that?

Because for all this time I've been in love with you, you've kept me out of your inner world.

And you have been ever-insistent on barging in..

Yes, I have done that. Not because I wanted to interfere. But only because I wanted to share.

Share what? Your sense and understanding of the world ? And thrust it upon me?

If you had just given up that line of thought for one small moment, you would have seen that it's not much different from yours. It's a dream we've seen together. It's just that you refuse to acknowledge your share.

I'm not a dreamer.

In your own obstinate way, you are. You just don't want to share your dreams. Not even with the one the dream is for.

You are making me cry again.

I am just making you see the fact that I would NEVER want to change you. Because the way you are, is the way I've fallen in love with. Why would I ever want to change that?

Can you promise me that you will keep trying to drill some sense no matter how stubborn I am?

I will. And you know that.

Yes, I do.

Now, stop crying.

Yes, I should.

spring-cleaning

the brain is not an infinite dustbin
i have some spring-cleaning to do
memories that have taken root
grown into a labyrinth i get lost in

there's a carton of dusty photographs
grainy with specks of time
and there are some footprints
times when i stood my ground
stubborn, sometimes foolishly so

sepia-toned words and sentences
tomes i've guarded against time
laced with smiles and tears
people long gone, living in these words
still speaking to me

and the mind, i know
isn't ready to give up any of this
so the broom-work will be more of
wrestling and pushing and fighting
and explaining and cajoling

but the labyrinth is
holding me back
there are new memories to be made
new pictures to be taken
more smiles and tears

and i can't
just stay HERE

Photo by Basu.

gibberish

when you get blue
it's just like glue
messy and sticky
baddy and saddy
but the sky is blue
and the sea is blue
and both are happy
though sometimes saddy
so blue isn't bad
actually a fine lad
glue is also better
keeps things together
so when you are blue
you need some glue
but the problem is
you can get the blue
but need someone else
to get the glue

- i am on a draft-clearing mission. there are some twenty of them in my account. this was a draft dated June 2009. I have no idea what i was trying to write then, and still i thought i might as well post it :P

being one :)

अँधेरे की चादर में
उजली सी सिलवटें हैं
मेरी नींदों में कुछ
तेरी करवटें हैं

शाखों से गिरे
मेरे पत्तों की हरियाली से
तुम्हारी धूसर सुबहें
मटियामेट हो जाती हैं
कुछ तुम संग हम
धूमिल हो जाते हैं
कुछ हमारे संग तुम
खिल उठते हो

चलें तो तुम
पैरों को जकड़े रहते हो
रुकें तो तुम
कानों में कुछ कहते हो

अब इस से ज्यादा क्या कहें
सुबह उठते हैं हम
तो सूरज से पहले
तुम्हे खोजा करते हैं

photo by Crazy.

arm-twisting tactics

ask me out to lunch.

but i hardly know you.

would you have asked me out if you knew me?

that would have depended on the outcome of the whole knowing-you-process.

so how exactly do you expect to carry out this process?

you are assuming that i want to know you in the first place.

don't you?

i may or may not. but i am certainly not taking orders.

how do you decide who you want to know better?

it's not an exact science.

i bet it's not rocket science either. what are your thumb rules?

i don't know!! i don't put conscious thought into that decision.

ok. so you are saying that your knowing-you-process starts from a shaky premise.

i never said that.

yes, you did. and in so many words.

but it's my prerogative. i choose who i want to know better. and i am free to deploy whatever techniques i might want to.

yes, but you could at least be consistent in your approach.

i am.

are you sure?

i don't have a recorded scientific cause-effect analysis on this subject!!

ok. coming back to what we were talking about, would you like to know me better? what do your ''techniques'' conclude?

hmph!! having spent so much time arguing, i very well might.

and how will you go about this knowing-you-better-process?

by spending some more time with you.

in ways such as?

in ways such as.. taking you out to lunch.

there you go!

*dumbfounded silence*

elephant in the room

The weight of the unsaid
Hangs heavy between us
Layered sentences and half-muttered words
Said with hesitating halts and jittery jumps

The fists clench and unclench
Pondering whether to set the truth free
And for every pregnant pause
The air reeks of anticipation

We know what is to be said
It's the manner of doing it that eludes us

incoherent rambling

some stupid waves came
and swept away my sand-castle
and as i picked up
the last remains of my creation
i could not help but wonder
should i stop building altogether?

the waves, they'd always be there
waiting just beyond the shore
watching me build the castle
nimble-footed for the kill
and so i confronted them
asked if i had ever wronged them
and why they couldn't let me
enjoy the fruits of my labor
even for one evanescent moment

and they replied in sad voices
they were bound by an ancient curse
to rise up and then fall down
in one endless excruciating cycle
it hurt them as much
destroying my castle
and so, while retreating, they'd stay
just a second more at my feet
asking for forgiveness

and now i realised
i had been quick to judge
putting my pain
above everyone else's

so i stopped
making stupid castles
played with the waves instead
and in place of something
that broke in a second
i got something special
a friend for life

photo by Basu. More of the same beautiful stuff can be seen here. even i can't make any sense out of what i've written here :P

no contingency planning

i stole some stars
and hid them in my cupboard
waiting for you to come
so i could share them with you
we would sit there
and i would bring out the stars
look at your shining face
and your happy eyes
and your sparkling smile

but it all ended in nought
you chose the daytime
to come visit me
and all my stars
were just ugly rocks in your hands.

i stole the phrase ''stolen stars'' from this beautiful piece.

wanton wants

the lovely walk. and the desire to run.
the reassuring earth. and the desire for the blue sky.
the lovely embrace. and the desire to break free.
the freedom of solitude. and the desire for love.
the suffocation. and the desire for some air.
the empty arms. and the desire for something for the void.
the happiness around. and the desire to shed a tear.
the tears within. and the desire to paste a smile.
the words. and the desire for some meaning.
the truth. and the desire that it didn't mean that.
the baggage. and the desire it was lighter.
the journey ahead. and the desire that nothing was left behind.
the memories. and the desire for a clean slate.
the forgotten flashes. and the desire to hold on.
the black and white. and the desire for color.
the tired eyes. and the desire for a plainer world.

wings. and the burden on the shoulders.
wings. and the desire to fly.

I. and I.

[added after rohit's comment: the photo i ripped from some random blog i reached through some other random blog. and i forgot which one. a google image search with the file name gives five results. and i still don't remember which one it was :P]

supply-demand gap

i wonder why
the shooting stars
never dry up
every time i think
i'm done with dreaming
there's a shooting star
burning through the sky
asking for a wish

i once thought
i'd had too many already
and i wouldn't wish
upon the shooting star
but then it hung right there
stuck in the sky
helpless, puppy-eyed
looking at me
and i had to

so i became the wanderer
running away
from wish-hungry stars
i know it's foolish
trying to run away
from the sky above
but i have to

each wish is a candle
i have to keep lit
and protect from
all the winds and rains
and even though
i have a stupid heart
to wish on every star
but for all those candles
i only have two hands

[image by Crazy]

the news today

-aamir khan says idiot is not the same as stupid. i wonder where he gets his english word meanings from.

-two mass shootings in america in two days. osama bin laden (if he's alive) must be thinking he's better off having roasted camel in some cave in afghanistan. the americans will kill themselves.

-cricinfo came out with a list of highest scores by batsmen in matches that their teams eventually lost. guess what, sachin figures the most number of times (along with gayle). what does this tell you? that india is a one-man team? or that he's not a good finisher? the appearance of statistics, like a gun, depends on which end you are looking at.

- here's another statistic. sachin has scored nearly double the runs of the player comes second when you tally the runs scored by indian players in matches india lost eventually.( i selected all matches where tendulkar played). but then his average in matches india lost is only 33.11, much lower than his career average of 44.59.

- the saga of mr. madhu koda, the former CM of jharkhand is getting bigger and bigger by the day. the people of jharkhand are proud that they now have a son of the soil who's made a name for the state by being the mastermind of probably the biggest scam in the history of this country.

- china is auctioning condoms that were meant to be sold at the olympics. now this would undoubtedly be a marathon event.

- and, looks like, someone's pockets really got warmed up by all this talk of global warming. al gore is set to become a 'carbon billionaire'. though i must also mention that he's denied this allegation.

- aaj ke samachar samapt hue.

PS: i'm thinking of starting a blog where i'll post interesting links i trawl through in a day. let's see where this goes.

pop goes my heart

me buying some ACT II popcorn. and this aunty asks me how it's cooked. and i explain to her how easy it is to "cook" this thing. and she buys a pack too.

but the important thing here is: someone asked me how to cook something!! :))

[the title is a song in the movie 'music and lyrics'. i'm listening to the soundtrack again. well, mostly 'don't write me off just yet' and 'way back into love']

my computer oddities

-i have to have my taskbar on the right side of the screen. helps me see more icons in quick launch. and also more applications buttons.

-i can't use the trackpad of my laptop. (a)because my finger gets numb (b) because i keep touching it inadvertently while typing and (c) because it doesn't have a middle click. so i keep it switched off.

-i can't live without the middle click. browsing is a chore otherwise.

-i've had a mild RSI once. had to change to a left-handed mouse and stop touch-typing. what's even weirder, i got the same symptoms when my laptop crashed and was down for 2 weeks. withdrawal symptoms, i think.

-i've stopped trying out software. (a)because i no longer have access to kgp LAN (b) because i no longer feel like doing so. there was a time when i was installing/uninstalling something or the other every single day.

-making your searches open in a new window is a very handy thing to do. that ways when you want to search for something that you are reading on a page, you just select and drop it in the search box. and you don't lose the page you are reading. i keep doing that so often that i don't know what i'd do if firefox turned that feature off.

-i sort of hate traversing folders. so i use the run command quite frequently.

-i've stuck to jet audio for something like 4-5 years now. has good library management and good keyboard shortcuts. i don't need much more. ditto for avg. though i'm thinking of trying the microsoft one.

-freecell is my favorite game offline. kenken and loop-the-loop are the online ones. i suck at hand-eye coordination. hence no hi-fi action games.

-i haven't been able to learn to touch-type the numbers yet.

blogging trivia

=> 15-20 minutes is my time limit for each post. if a post takes longer than that, it's transferred to the vault. items in the vault are taken up much later, if at all.

=> i find it easier to write on pictures/photos.

=> there's a set of people (about 4) who get to read my posts before they appear on the blog.

=> this is my first blog and my fifth blog. [i started blogging here in 2004, then stopped. went on to two secret blogs and one public blog and finally returned here]

=> there's a marked difference between the earlier aquitaine and this one. someone who didn't know would think them to be entirely different people altogether.

=> sometimes i know what i have to write. but i can't find words to do justice to that idea. this leads to long hiatuses. almost all of them end up with stupid posts like this one.

=> i had toyed with the idea of a hindi blog once. but in those days, blogger didn't have transliteration and was a whole lot more buggy. that blog got stuck in some technical snag.

=> altogether, i have published more than a thousand posts.

=> there are many recurrent themes that run through my posts. people and places and things.

=> the 'aquitaine' of the title comes from a ludlum novel - the aquitaine progression - one of the worst he's ever written. but the 'aquitaine' there stood for chaos leading to a new order and i liked the idea.

=> in its earlier avatar, this blog didn't have my name featuring anywhere. and still, one year into blogging, a search for naween gave this blog as the first result. i don't know how.

=> some of the posts i write are intended for real people. yet the most obvious ones aren't.

=> the only reason i don't blog about people is because i have a complicated relationship with almost all the persons i'd have liked to blog about. that's a department where i haven't been blessed.

=> most of my posts are sort of lifted/inspired from various sources, mostly songs. i take care to record the inspiration too.

who am i

i just discovered that a search on yahoo india for who am i gives my blog as the top result. you can see it here. feedjit showed that there have been people arriving on my blog following this result.

which is ironic in the sense that the title of this blog is a question the author keeps asking himself. and anyone who comes here isn't going to get even a sliver of an answer. also, i understand that some people search that phrase to get to essays etc on that topic. which again, they won't be getting here.

even more ironic is the fact that this post will maybe strengthen the position of that result further.