dream on!

and every time
i grow weary of
the winds beating my face
i look at my candle
and see how it's fighting
the winds with me
and i can open my eyes
to the strongest gales

and every time
i'm lost in the forest
stuck in a thorny embrace
bleeding and bleeding
i can see my butterfly
fluttering around me
and i can break free
to walk the stones again

and every time
the black-bricked walls and
the darkness in my heart
start drowning me
i peep out of
my white window
and i can see
my hope fairy flying by

[photo by Basu]

the 'hope fairy' is from pandora's tale. i have mentioned her previously too. here and here.

sepia struggle

i looked around and found myself
amid all my yesterdays
awash with a sepia wave
choking, drowning nostalgia

yellowish smiles and tears
and all the left-behind fears
a failure or two
and the stairs of success

it was a sepia edifice
that had grown over the years
feeding on experience
memory-painted, hiccups-dented

all that's seen and done
seemed way too much
and i missed a beat or two
for moments i had held dear

but then i woke up
today is blue and red and green
all the colors of the rainbow
except the sepia sheen

i'll go the sepia way
but of my own accord
no sepia ambush will overwhelm me
while i paint my todays

bye bye sepia tone
your times are long gone
you might be the biggest sea
you can't walk ahead of me

and the beast lies within. sleeping. patient. waiting. all i can do is buy time. do everything i can to stop it. and i make a deal with it. i'll try to be good. but sometimes i wonder if he's having the last laugh. me being 'good' to pacify him. and i'm torn. who's the real 'me'? the beast or the one who's good?

it ain't easy being superman.

benevolent dementors

a piece of the dark sky
and some light
some of my stars
burning so bright
the stars, they always
make my heart glow
and then it doesn't feel
like a dark night

all my happiness i ever lost
i think the stars
that burn so bright
took it all away
there's a memory i see
etched in the light
a happy memory long ago
still burning me bright

but i don't hate the stars
never did and never will
they keep all that light safe
something i can't do
and so, every time i'm sad
i look at them stars
and then it doesn't feel
like a dark night

वस्तुस्तिथि

सोचा था
किनारे पे
मिलेंगी घडियां
सुकून की ।
आंधियों से
लड़ने की
हिम्मत जुटाना
ज़िन्दगी अब ।
पर सुकून
कहाँ पाते
शाख से
टूटे पत्ते ।

contingent liability

i could fight
anything and everything
the world throws at me
and if it'd be so
if push comes to shove
i could fight myself

but there's one thing
that defeats me
all the time
there's one thing
i can never fight
a single word:
'if'

बेबस

शब्दों की कमी हो
और बातें किए बिना
रहा ना जाए
तो कोई क्या करे?

खुश रहने की
कोई वजह ना हो
और मुस्कराना पड़े
तो कोई क्या करे?

जिंदगी चलती रहे
अपनी रफ्तार से
और मन कहीं रुका रहे
तो कोई क्या करे?

अनजानी वजहों से
खालीपन भरा मन
बरबस भर आए
तो कोई क्या करे?

बारिशों के इंतज़ार में
बंजर अन्तर में
आँसू अगर बरसें
तो कोई क्या करे?

my brain's on an outage today. an indefinite one, i think. and i feel numb.

i hate what i'm doing to myself. this is not the me i want to be.

soggy death

it's a watery world
where i can see
reflections of the past
images that float
on the waves
blurred and hazy
but i know them.
floating down
the sound resounds
icy waters underground
as the fear seeps
thru my veins
and that poison
called sadness
kills me within.
but it's funny
how i can see
so many colors
as light shines through
this watery world
colors i want
to paint pictures with
but there's nothing
i can draw.

and then, without notice
the watery world breaks
the dam holding it
and i cry and cry
and drown
in my own tears

['floating down, the sound resounds, icy waters underground' is from a song by pink floyd]

crocin-cured headaches. dream-less daydreams. and i wonder. how all that pain gets into the head. and i keep it there. within myself. mixing pain with smiles. painful smiles. mirth-less smiles. and the lies get me in the end. lies i tell myself. lies i told myself. and truth is pain. and another headache.

black hole

i was left

clutching a void

and though i tried

filling it with

my endless tears

i couldn't match

eternity with eternity

the void's all

i'm left with

i'm holding it

as tight as one can

hold an absence

there are a lot of things

i could fill it with

but the thing is:

i continue to be

happy about things

that make me sad

cross hairs

माथे की हर एक शिकन
हाथ की लकीर बन गई
जिस हँसी का था भरोसा
जाने कितने आंसू बन गई

[handiwork of a Competition and Globalization class]

death wish

my tears have gone cold
and i wonder
why i cried all night long
mornings seem clear
and a far cry
from the black fears
and my black tears
sitting in a huddle
my arms ache
from holding myself
too tight all night
and the pillow
stares back at me
a witness to
all my muffled cries
and unsaid words
i wake up
to another day
fearing the night

raconteur's rant

headache. big one. no sleep. no dreams. thoughts. and more. racing across eternity. looking for reasons. for everything. manufacturing some. reasoning some. faces and facts don't always match. don't remember. ouch. a raw nerve there. running around in circles. neat ones. walking on clouds and getting lost in some. cuddly clouds. like hugging the air. left with myself in the end. additions and subtractions apart. i remain.

long-lost departure

in a dark corner
all by myself
cringing from
every ray of light
nursing bruises
too many to count
shivering in a pool
of my tears
i wonder how long
i've been so
and i remember
once upon a time
there were people
who i turned away
and this misery
is of my own making
and yet i wonder
why they couldn't
have stayed for me
despite me..
what have i become
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
....

[the last four lines are from hurt-johnny cash, one beautiful song..]

दुःख के साथी

आज बूंदों के गले
गिले बाँध कर
कुछ आंसू बस यूँ ही
बारिश के नाम
लुटा कर
आसमान की ओर
भीगी पलकों से
कुछ बातें कह
मन हल्का हो गया
पता चला दुनिया
इतनी नहीं बदरंग
कोई और भी
रोता है मेरे संग

इतना अँधेरा क्यों है भाई [:P]

धुंध में लिपटे

कुछ ठिठके क़दमों से
घुप अंधेरे में
भटकी सी चाल
काँटों से बिंधे
तलवों की गरमी को
ठोकरों से मिली
लाली से बुझाने
की नाकाम कोशिश
अनजान परछाईयों को
पकड़ने की चाहत में
ख़ुद से कहीं दूर
किसी अंधेरे को
अपना सपना कहना
रौशनी की तलाश
में सोचा ना था
इतने अंधेरों से
जूझना पडेगा कि
कल रौशनी बस
इक धुंधली सी
याद रह जायेगी

[the word 'dhundh' has been stuck in my mind for quite a few days. this poem has had many starts and it was only today that i could complete it.]

rains

it rained today
but not enough
there's a lot left
inside of me
that i hoped would
get washed away
there are only so many
tears i have
the heavens duped me
one more time
and now i think
not without reason

तारों कि दास्तान

मुट्ठी भर तारे
कुछ समेटे थे
कि जब बाहर अँधेरा
ज़्यादा हो जाएगा
उन तारों के सहारे
रात गुज़र जायेगी
पर झोली काली थी
खा गयी सारे तारे
और बाहर से ज़्यादा
अन्दर हो चला अँधेरा
अब खोजता है मन
थोड़े से सपने कहीं
जो बन जाएं तारे
आंखों के उजियारे
और तारों में उकेरूँ
ज़िंदगी कि लकीरें