a prayer

o lord, please give me a slightly longer attention span. i admit that i'm a near perfect creation of yours but nothing's actually perfect in this world, is it? you insist on putting just a wee bit of imperfection in each one of us. my imperfection is my wandering thoughts. goddamn it (please excuse me) but i can't even pay attention to thinking. i knew it was getting worse when i couldn't even gaze at girls in peace, without my mind wandering to other things - mundane things, much more mundane things. i can't keep track of conversations, save with a select few. i can't study for more than 10 mins at a stretch. i can't do anything with my heart and mind and soul.

can't write any more. forgot what it was i wanted to say.

फिर ना जाना

उलझी हैं इन गेसुओं में कहीँ
थोड़ी सी धुंधली चांदनी
कह रही है रात अभी यहीं
भूली सी जुगनुओं की कहानी

कोहरे में लिपटी तुम आयी हो
पूरी हुई है हर आस
मानों बारिशों ने घोली हो
जीवन में फिर से मिठास

ख्वाबों का ताना बाना बुनते
पथरा गयी थी आंखें
अब जो आंसू बहा रही हैं
बौरा गयी हैं आँखें

lovely fear

sometimes i wonder
why there's so much fear
when there's so much love
every time i feel love
i'm terrified

opposing emotions
wrenching me apart
but the more my love grows
the more i have this feeling
this heavy feeling in my heart
holding me back

why? why fear?
fear of separation?
fear of being hurt?
fear that my love
won't be returned?

isn't it so very strange
an emotion so pure
and so deep as love
should depend on someone else
for it to be complete?

but life isn't fair
and will never be
welcome to the real world

day and departure

deafening silence
it's all loneliness
it's morning
and you aren't there
guided me through the night
held my hand along
i could never really see you
it was dark
and i was blind
but i trudged along
waiting for the dawn
just to see you
put a face to that voice
that consoled me, encouraged me
loved me
the sun shines down
and i cringe back in fear
i long for your hand in mine
i'm afraid

i'd go back to the night
if only to hear your voice again...

times gone by

two months. that's the time that has elapsed since i left college. only to join another one. i reckon the previous one deserves a word or two on this blog. but i didn't feel at home there. neither here. i don't feel at home anywhere. not even at home. i'm a vagabond afraid of traveling.

anyways, iit kharagpur was kind to me in several ways. i discovered a lot of myself in those five years, especially the last three. but i didn't change. maybe, i spent all my time discovering.

but what i loved most was my room!! my own world. call it perverse thinking, but i felt more remorse leaving that room than i did while leaving most of the people behind.

it would be wrong to say that i didn't learn anything academic. but surely i didn't learn even a fraction of what i was supposed to learn. i said this in the farewell function organized by the department. but it was mostly my fault. i went to classes only to solve sudokus and crosswords and to write poems for my blog.

i didn't do many things that most people did there. i seldom had night-outs just for the heck of it. i didn't frequent chhedis/eggies/aunty's. i never attended any tds/etms/wtms/htds show. save for one. but it was the tds show of sf, the year i was the head of the sf newspaper. it was only in my final year that i went to 90D. lots of other things...

even though at present i've no intention of returning to that place any time soon and i don't think i'll ever miss kgp, yet it is and will be an important part of my life.

plurality

my name is naWEen. it's not a single person. it's a 'WE'. too many people inside. too many insides. and too many minds. fighting minds. ego clashes. turf wars. territory issues.

most of them bite. stay away.

i love you

she looked into his eyes
looked at herself in his eyes
her voice was a coarse whisper
"take me home"

he held her hand in his
holding back his own tears
his tears of joy
"i may not be your ideal man
but of one thing i'm sure
you'll never find me lacking in love
my love for you"

and as they walked into the sunset
this promise they made
"no matter what happens
our love will suffice for everything"

======================================
"take me home" - is a line in the novel 'for matrimonial purposes' by kavita daswani. read it yesterday. this is actually the deciding line in the novel. i loved it [:)].

btw, wrote this in yet another class [:P].

a conversation

what's wrong with you?

where did this come from?

i mean, why can't you talk normally with me? you always are so ... made-up and masked... this isn't you..

is it really so? do i give out that impression?

aw, come on!! give that bullshit to someone who doesn't know you!! agreed, we aren't a couple anymore but can't we be just friends ?

if you know me - and i think you do - you know i'd love to have that happen to me.

then why don't you try... why this hesitation? look, you must accept the fact that we weren't meant to be together...

that's not an easy thing to do, is it?

but it's something you must do. coz that's the FACT!! and you can't run away from it.

if there's anything i'm running away from, it's myself...

there you go again... we were friends way before we fell in love, weren't we?

yes, we were. in fact, this friendship was the reason why we fell in love...

then why forget that friendship? you can't marry every girl you are friends with, can you?

you aren't exactly any or every girl, are you? for me, you were the one and only girl. you're the only one i've ever wanted to marry.

that is NOT going to happen. i repeat - NOT!!!! if that's the case, why do you bother talking to me at all?

i just want to listen to you voice sometimes...

please.. not that sentimental stuff again... i've had enough of it. you still haven't answered my original question...

which one?

why do you put up a charade and act so distant when you talk to me?

coz i'm afraid i'll get addicted to your voice. and then you'll stop talking to me someday and then what will i do?

so you are going to live your life in fear?

i don't think i have too much of a choice in this matter.

go ahead. it's your life. do whatever you want to with it.

pointed question

what do you draw the most when you doodle? for me, it's unquestionably the arrow. dunno why my notebooks are all full of arrows - of different shapes and sizes, some connecting things, some disconnecting them.

does it have an underlying meaning - like maybe it's a subconscious effort to find a direction in life [:P]!! or maybe my inner self chooses this mode to give me directions [:D]!!

india are 33/2 right now. someone give them directions too...

but it might also mean that i am a control freak. i like to give directions and in general, dominate !! hai raam!! this is almost an allegation against my sweet demure self [:)]!!

what else? it might mean that i'm highly organized and i like things to follow a logical order. it might also mean that i always know what to do next. coz for me it's just a game of joining the arrows to their targets.

see this post for an illustration.

or it might mean that i'm actually itching to give directions to that bloody prof who's making me sleepy and absent-minded enough to start doodling[:D]!!!

तुम चले गए

लिपटी इन हवाओं में
फिर आयी हैं कुछ तेरी यादें
लिपटी इन आंसुओं में
घुल चली हैं कुछ तेरी बातें

भूलने को कुछ ना रहा
पर यादें फिर भी हैं यहाँ
भूलूं कुछ तो डरता हूँ
ढून्ढून्गा फिर तुझे मैं कहॉ

अरसा गुजरा उन आँखों में
तस्वीर अपनी देखे हुए
अरसा गुजरा इन आंखों में
इक हंसी आये हुए

कुछ यादों को लगा कर गले
आंखें नम रहती हैं
कुछ कहना था तुमसे
अब बातों की कमी रहती है

हर पल अनायास कुछ बातें
तुमसे करने को मुड़ता हूँ
तेरे जाने की बात याद कर फिर
अन्दर ही अन्दर टूटता हूँ

अब शायद कभी तेरी हंसी
ना देख सकूंगा मैं
उस दिन की हंसी को संजोये
ना हंस सकूंगा मैं

क्या कहूं कैसा लगता है
जब तुम याद आते हो
और इस टूटे दिल को
बेबसी महसूस करा जाते हो

दूर से ही प्यार कर
कभी खुश हो लेता हूँ
कुछ पल के लिए ही सही
दिल को बहला लेता हूँ