altar-cation?

i hate to bring this up, but i think i love you.

why would you hate to mention this?

i was hoping you'd say it. i'd rather not undergo the suspense around your decision.

so you are afraid that i will say no.

afraid? terrified!! mortally so!

but i thought we'd come to know each other fairly well after all this time we've spent.

you're saying that i should already know your answer?

something like that.

i can guess to a fair degree. but this is something where the smallest of uncertainty can kill me.

is it so?

i've never been more certain of anything in life than this love for you.

but you said you think you love me.

that was because i was nervous.

is that the only reason?

no, it's not.

out with it!!

i thought that if i began so and you refused, i could hide behind the fig leaf of confused emotions.

but what purpose would it have served?

that way, i could have remained friends with you.

you really think you could have done that?

i know i couldn't. but i would have tried.

why?

because i can't bear the thought of not talking to you. of not able to tell you things when i want to.

you love me so much?

yes, i do.

and you think i'd have let you reach this stage if i didn't love you myself?

you love me too?

yes, i do.

randomly random

right now, i have:

-the beginnings of a bout of cold and/or cough, accompanied by sneezathons
-a cramp in my neck and a crick in my back ( all from sudden sneezes)
-the skin of my finger tips peeling off like that of a boiled potato. a few more days and i think i'll be able to see the blood vessels inside.
-a headache, despite a crocin an hour ago
-a feeling of terrible and utter boredom

now for some song recommendations:

-all songs of gulaal
-from sikandar: gulon mein, serene version (sung by the wonderful mohit chauhan), dhoop ke sikke (the humming in the beginning is catchy), and chaal apni
-kal kissne dekha: aalam guzarne ko and tere bin lagta nahin
-aloo chaat: dhadke jiya
-dhoondhte rah jaoge: none
-13B: aasmaan odh kar
-aa dekhein zara: mohabbat apse
-lottery: none
-straight: none
-ek: none
-and again: ALL songs of gulaal

PS1: for those of you interested in mindless action flicks (eg transporter) banlieue 13 is the movie to watch
PS2: if you have a filter that's set to archive but gets you a lot of mails which you want to read, try multiple inbox. i use it to manage a separate mail account whose mails i redirect to my gmail account.
PS3: unlike many people, i don't find anything particularly wrong with the new facebook look. i think people just want things to be the way they are.

good morning

here comes the sun, little darling
here comes the sun, and i say it's all right

the night is over, after all this time
and you can let go of the stars
the sun is here, to hold you tight
you don't need to cut yourself with the stars

here comes the sun, little darling
here comes the sun, burning so bright

[partially lifted from here comes the sun - a wonderful song by the beatles. i came across it today when the bee movie ended with this song.]

ए अजनबी ...

मेरा तुम्हारा क्या रिश्ता है, कुछ भी नही
फ़िर भी जाने तुम क्यूँ लगते हो अजनबी नहीं
तुमसे बातें ना करूँ तो कुछ कमी लगती है
ढलती रात भी कहीं बेवजह खलती है
गुज़रो तुम पास से तो कुछ कह तो नही पाता हूँ
पर जाने कहाँ से हजारों बातें गढ़ जाता हूँ

नामों के सांचों से अब तक परे रखा है
हक और अहम् जैसे शब्दों से बचा रखा है
जाने कैसे बुलाऊँ, कुछ कहते मन डरता है
पर बेनामी रिश्ते कोई कैसे बचा सकता है
याद करो कभी तो नाम चाहिए होते हैं
बातों के हाथ-पैर, मुकाम चाहिए होते हैं


कल यादें, बातें धुंधली हो जायेंगी
फ़िर ये कहानी कैसे पहचानी जायेगी

the song mera tumhara from 'socha na tha' is a beautiful one. :)

falsehood

i lie to myself
to stay alive
though they kill
some of me
the world i live
is built of lies
walls i build to
keep truth away
hidden in a maze
i hope i never
wake up to light
and see my walls
washed away
and me standing
naked, bleeding
all the gashes
all the bruises
i've tried to hide
behind my lies

stationery inventory

60+ pens, about 6 and a half pencils, 3-4 highlighters, 2 scissors, one gum bottle, 2 gum sticks, one .5 mm pencil, one pack each of pencil crayons and wax crayons, some post-it notes, staplers (two i think, but i can't find the second), some refills, a box of paper clips, a bundle of envelopes, 2-3 cellotapes, two boxes of .5 mm leads, 2 boxes of staples...

i don't know why, how, when or where i got those pens from.. must have an equal number at home, i think.. you see, i have a knack of finding pens.. and dunno why i still buy some.. all of them in the price range Rs 5-15.. any pricier and i don't think it serves any real purpose.. there are lots of colors - red, blue, green .. [in kgp, i had purple, brown and pink too].. glitter pens - silver, black and golden..

guess i'm destined to be an author [;)]

partnership firm

हाथ थामे चलना हो
तो दोनों के दाएं हाथ संग कैसे
एक दाँया होगा, एक बाँया होगा
दूर खड़े दूरी को कोसने से
दूरियां भला मिटेंगी कैसे
तुम्हे चलना होगा, मुझे भी चलना होगा

जैसा-जैसा सोचो, वैसा तो होता नही
नहीं तो दुनिया में कोई कभी रोता नही
पर हर किसी के साथ तुम सा कोई होता नही
हर किसी के साथ और कोई रोता नहीं

फ़िर अब हमें रोकेगा कौन, और कैसे
तेरी धूप की सुनहरी चादर तले
काली स्याह रात खलेगी तो कैसे

फिर जब चलते चलते हम कहीं थक जायेंगे
चार हथेलियाँ मिलकर इक घरौंदा बनायेंगी
उसकी रेत में कहीं अपने सपने मिल जायेंगे
और सागर की लहरें उसका कुछ न कर पाएँगी

बस तुम हाथ ये थामे रहना

[i love those two lines of the song rehna tu from delhi-6.]

doomed

टूटी थी कश्ती कभी
और अब एक तख्ते पर मैं
और एक तख्ते पे तुम
चले जा रहें हैं कहीं
जाने कैसी हैं नदियाँ ये
कि बस दूर ही हुए जा रहे हैं
आज तो कुछ चिल्ला कर
कर लेते हैं थोडी बातें
आंसू भरे चेहरे नही दिखते पर
दूसरे के होने का एहसास तो है
कल लेकिन तुम इतने दूर
कहीं दूर चले जाओगे
कि दिखना तो दूर की बात
कोई आवाज़ भी ना मेरी सुन पाओगे
फ़िर रह जाएगा घुटती साँसों का शोर
और लहरों की कर्कश आवाजें
फ़िर सारी बातें मन में समेटे
अपने तख्ते को कस कर पकड़े
मैं बस यहीं इन्ही धारों में कहीं
बहता रहूँगा अकेला जाने कब तक

time travel

noticed this happening today. looked like a mail from the future [:P]

so i searched some (on google itself, of course) and found that one of the reference times is your computer's. so this basically indicates that my comp's clock is out of sync with the real world. now why would gmail do that? rahul said that they are using javascript to refresh that thing so that they won't have to reload a page every time. but then the script could have noted the comp time when it first loaded, and taken this into account when calculating future times [ would have worked fine unless you changed your comp time while reading a mail]. this page provides an alternate explanation.

anyways, i now have an alternate way of knowing when my comp's clock is running behind.[:P]

musings

a jobless person, by definition, has no job to do. and the only thing that has been equitably distributed among the humans of this world is time, giving everyone the same twenty-four hours of the day. hence, the person with no job to do has obviously more time on his hands than anybody else. this surplus time leads people to do different things, depending upon their dispositions. the understudy starts musing, and moping. hence this monologue.

pray tell me, why does the night canteen not have a room service option? isn't it cruel to expect a moping person to wake himself out of his reverie and carry his body-weight down two flight of stairs to face a never ending queue filled with endless chatter that further disturbs his train of thoughts? or is it really just to let a famished soul witness mouth-watering dishes being prepared one after another and other people mouthing them while he watches in abject (and growing) hunger and waits for his turn?

there are only so many games of kenken one can play. and the news sites don't get updated as often as one wants to. so much for the saying that we live in a happening world. and people with blogs are very machiavellian in the timing of their writings. when their readers are hard pressed for time, these authors will turn out posts at a frantic pace but come slack-time and it will seem as if the drought in things-to-do has caught onto the blogs too. weird, stupdid, world!!!

there are times when the muser wishes for a genie who was a patient listener. the dark of the night is hardly the time to disturb any one on the phone. and the strange machinations of the string-puller are manifested again in the chat list - people who he doesn't want to talk to will be online all the time while the ones who he's ready to bare his heart too will almost always be found offline, or at least when he's in dire need of a distraction from his dark musings.

what then can anyone do, except release all these pent-up grievances in words?

so is this a letter of complaint against the world? it seems like that, doesn't it? but the answer is no. this is just a jobless person whiling away his time, spewing out words one after the other, hoping that the end-product makes some sense. this is just a genie-wisher conjuring up an imaginary genie and talking to him. this is just the growling of an empty stomach of a lazy fool who's torn between hunger and the superhuman effort needed to haul his ass out of bed. this is a tirade against all the emptiness in the muser's mind that he hopes to fill with endless words.

huff!! puff!! typing can be tiring too!! an effort that malnutritioned musers can ill-afford.

hence, tata..