October 31, 2007

वाह वाह [:P]

उनको देख के वो अंदाज़ से फरमाये
नज़रें संभालिये, गज़ब हो जाये
आपके हुस्न से चाँद को पसीना जाये
आप हमें देखें तो दिल काफिर ना हो जाये

वो बोले :
निगाहें मिला सकें, ऐसे करम कहाँ
रस्मों के होते हैं सौ पर्दे यहाँ
आपके इश्क का दिल में बसाया था मकाँ
नज़रें चार हों तो ये आबाद हो जाये

October 30, 2007

the long and short of it...


the summer internship process is fast approaching.
i haven't had a haircut yet.

should i try the 'dare to pare??' attitude ?

or should i go the 'short is safe' way?

i don't love my hair that much - it will anyways be gone very soon. but the point is - i don't want to get a haircut just because of the interviews!!

i think i will weather slot one. if i don't get through, i'll make drastic changes to my approach to the concept of haircuts.

for the time being, it is - wait and watch.

walking tall


i was lost in a forest

the trees towered over me
and i felt so small and worthless...

but something felt wrong
this wasn't how it should be
i wasn't what i'm meant to be...

and then i realized
i had been crawling all along
happy in my worthlessness...

i stood up straight
and walked across the grassland
i was myself again...

October 28, 2007

mac os X leopard


the new apple os is out. i've never used an imac. don't know why i saw the guided tour. there are some 'new' features they talked about.

stacks: - this is a shortcut to a folder you create on your desktop. when you click on it, the contents fan out or appear as a grid, depending on the number of files in that folder.

cover flow:- this shows you a preview of the files as you browse through them. something like windows photo gallery with better visuals.

finder:- the search. not much to talk about here. except saving custom searches.

quick look:- lets you preview files (presentations, pdf files, movies etc) without actually opening them. works in conjunction with cover flow. just a fancy tool.

time machine:- backs up your computer every hour to an external hard disk. a good thing - except the fact that you'll have to buy an extra disk and i don't know how resource-intensive the communication with the hard disk is. btw, the visual effects for the time machine interface is fundoo.

spaces:- multiple desktops. navigation between them is easy.

mail:- has good templates. a quick note function. a data aggregator that identifies address fields to add them to the address book.

ichat:- good special effects for the background of the video chat. easy sharing of files. remote desktop thru the chat. they call it screen sharing.

except for the ichat thing, i didn't find anything expectional. but then, i haven't used any video chat software yet. as expected from a mac os, the visual effects are really good. the specs say a minimum of 512 MB RAM is needed. i don't know how they'll manage so much with so little. to do it at the speed the person in the tour was doing, i think you'd need at least 2 gb.

and no, the thought of switching from vista didn't cross my mind even once [:D]!!

October 27, 2007

i love xkcd !!



October 25, 2007

काँटों में उलझी मैं और मेरी परछाईं

दिन दिन साथ चलते चलते
कभी रोते, कभी साथ हँसते
मन कि कालिख तन पर पोतते
मैं उसकी परछाईं बन गया

काला अंतहीन सा अस्तित्त्व
उसकी रौशनी से बहुत दूर
घिसटता , राहों में पिसता
सिमटा, सूना सा मैं चलता

उजाले और अन्धकार का मेल कहॉ
अच्छे और बुरे का मेल कहॉ
परछाईं का तन से मेल कहॉ
मेरा उसका अब मेल कहॉ

कहॉ देखे थे मैंने सपने
चलूँगा हाथ थामे उसका कभी
अब यादें रौंदती हैं
पैरों तले हर वो मेरी ख़ुशी

काँटों में उलझकर, फँस कर
बिंध चुका है अब तो तन
जानता हूँ कांटे ही हैं बस
छुड़ा तो नही सकता उस से अपना मन

October 23, 2007

...


words are just letters
thrown together in patterns
a meaning thrust upon them
that never comes out

thoughts and ideas
and dreams and feelings
go beyond all dreams
a world unto themselves

how can i tell you
how much you mean to me
when all my love
is in all my dreams

if only you could see
the world i've dreamt
maybe you'd surprise me
and love me back

but then, it never will be
you have your dreams
and much that i may try
they'll never be mine

October 21, 2007

having your bacn and (not) eating it


Bacn, according to wikipedia, is
the term given to electronic messages which have been subscribed to and are therefore not unsolicited but are often unread by the recipient for a long period of time, if at all. Bacn has been described as email you want but not right now.

see gmail's method of dealing with it here .

i do it all the time [:D]!! ** swells with pride **

my bacn consists of dictionary.com, blog comment and orkut notifications.

October 20, 2007

random


->we had a mock interview for our communications class and i was the chairman of the interview panel. messed it up in the beginning - forgot my designation [:P]!! but made it up afterwards. our effort was categorised as a 'marked difference' from the earlier efforts [:D]!! some people told me after the interview that it was great and i wondered - the process this time wasn't radically different from the earlier one. yet, just because the prof said that it was good, people also thought it good.

->i hate the process of application to companies. there are all those vague questions - like the most difficult challenge, moral conflict, statement of purpose and what not. doesn't it all boil down to an exercise in creative writing? what exactly does the company aim to test through this? and when the interviews come, there will be more. like the famous 'tell me something about yourself' question.

->my eating habits have become really weird these days. i'm eating all junk. missing meals. i don't remember the last time i ate three full meals in a day. i'm losing weight.

->it's been ages since i last watched a movie.

->i started a new blog. a private one. but i intend to post there only when things get out of hand.

->listened to songs of aaja nachle - ishq hua and o re piya are good. i liked show me your jalwa too though most ppl won't like it.

->i think i'm beginning to lose one more friend.

->there are people who come up to me and tell me - do you do nothing other than blogging? and i wonder - how do they know about my blog? this spread of information is really startling. i don't remember telling more than five or six people here about my blog. i don't like this surprise being sprung upon me. coz people generally do it with an expression that says - oh! i have all the inside scoop on you. i know how psycho you are!

-> which reminds me - i got a date for the feedback on the psychoanalysis session we did in the preparatory program some 3 months back. i'm now going to be officially branded a psycho coz i wrote really pathetic sounding stuff for that exercise - two poems, one was all bloody and one was all teary.

->i think i'm going to score really poor this term. i just have this feeling.

->i've taken a strong liking to rum balls.

->i've become more careless - dirty - messy - lazy - unorganized - stupid - inattentive than any naween i've never known.

->finis

October 19, 2007

novocaine...


Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine....

i lovvvve this song by Green Day.. have been listening to it nonstop today!!

October 18, 2007

wakey wakey


it's 4:30 p.m.
naween wakes up.
surprised.
he went to sleep at 3:30 p.m.
shouldn't have happened.
one hour isn't enough.
slept only 5 last night.
what's wrong?
bad dream? no.
mosquitos, ants? no.
noise? no.
huh!! why?
still half an hour to 5.
which is snacks time.
FUCK!!!
that's the reason.
food.
on diet since morning.
2 rum balls + 1 orange.
+ 1 coffee.
stomach crying out.
in agony.
fuck you ______.
gimme food.
naween realises.
an empty stomach.
is the worst thing.
to sleep with.
[:D]
tata..
going to satisfy.
a primal urge.


i'm thinking of discontinuing this blog. and even as i say this, i know i won't be able to do this. it has been with me for three years now (though all the posts aren't there) and more often than not, i've found myself turning to aquitaine to pour my heart out.

but of late, i've found it difficult to write things here. it's not some writer's block i've hit. it's just that there are things i can't write here - for that matter i can't write them at all. and it's a strange feeling when everytime i start writing i end up writing something totally different from what i had originally intended to.

i've toyed with the idea of a secret blog in the past. that one lasted about 4 months. i don't want to start another.

i think i should stop writing altogether. it's becoming kinda addictive.

October 15, 2007

life and death


i wake up bleary-eyed
walk around in a daze
yawning on the border
between
life and death

it's morning and i must die
zombie for the day
i can't make myself dream
with my eyes open

reality ties me down
and i feel suffocated
dracula in his tomb
hungry for more blood

i long for my dreams
i am my dreams
the sun sucks out
the last of my life

each one of my dreams
is now a thousand shards
and i'm broken
over and over

i die every morning
with the rising sun
and i'm buried
with my dreams

but before i kill myself
i make a last wish
someday let me wake up
to my dream

-------------------------------

written in a Business Research Methods class and a Marketing class.

recursion [:P]

he said to her:
i don't know
what love is all about
but everytime i look
at your sweet smile
i know that's what
i want to see
every morning
when i wake up.

she said to him:
every time i look
at the love
in your eyes
i know i want
you by my side
every morning
when i wake up
and this thought
makes me smile...

high!!


i discovered why i love mountain dew so much. dew has the highest caffein content among all soft drinks sold in india. its caffeine content is about 1.5 times that of coke or pepsi!!

October 14, 2007

मन की बातें

जाने क्या चाहे मन बावरा, अंखियन मेरे सावन चला.... बावरा सा मन उड़ता जाये कहीँ, तारों से आगे, सूरज से बातें करे... कल को पाने को उतावला छोटा सा कोई आज का लम्हा... गिर गिर कर भी उठता है, फिर गिरता है... पर हार मान लेगा तो बावरा कहाँ रहेगा... उदासी में डूब कर पार आता है, फिर डूबने को भाग कर जाता है ... हर ख़ुशी से दूर भागता है, पर छोटी छोटी बातों में चुपके से मुस्काता है ... बारिश की बूंदों से बातें करता है, कुछ बूंदों की कहानी सुनता है, कुछ अपनी सुनाता है.... कभी अन्दर ही अन्दर भीग जाता है... बुलबुला है - प्यारा सा, नाजुक सा... चलते चलते थक जाता है तो खुद से कहानियाँ गढ़ कर सुनाता है... या कुछ मीठे गीत... शब्दों में अर्थ ढूँढने की कोशिश करता है, कभी व्यर्थ में ही ... पगला है पूरा ...

पर इस बुद्धू को जब चोट लगती है तो बहुत रोता है...

October 13, 2007

MNC !!


this is what i've done to the first page of my managerial communication handout [:D]! it was a class where we had people giving speeches on ultra-boring topics like introducing kamal nath and medha patekar and the importance of engineering and the farewell ceremony of some godforsaken fool... as you can very well see, i kept myself busy [:D]!! there was a bit more on the page but i wanted to keep this graphic neat enough to be legible.


duh!!


my yesterdays fade away

into the emptiness inside of me
and i'm left crying
for memories i don't remember

October 11, 2007

just a question


i keep getting all these spam messages about increasing the size of the penis.. and i wonder... do girls get messages about breast enlargement and silicone implants?

...


flowing tears, dry eyes

cracked with many I's
a thousand reflections
the glass house has broken
trembling hands grasping
bleeding scarlet shards
and i weep...

October 6, 2007

fly and die


i flew on the wings
of those stupid things
that some people call dreams
and i was icarus reborn
scarred beyond recognition
scorched by reality

but i'm not dead yet
the monster will rise again
in its thousand-headed splendor
i'll dream and i'll die
i'll fly and i'll fall
i'll cry and i'll crawl

till perhaps the day
an infinity will end
my dreams will be dead

October 3, 2007

:)

i was preparing my CV for the summer internship process here and there was that achievements and awards heading to fill up. people often think that i'd consider getting into IIT as my biggest achievement. but i don't. i dropped a year for IIT and still managed only rank 2148, which i don't think is good. according to me, i barely got through.

the accomplishments that i do consider my biggest ones were both surprise ones.

the first one is the NTSE scholarship i got. to be more specific, the first round. it was special coz i never expected to get through [:P]! i didn't study a word for it, while many of my friends really put in hours. no, i wasn't a stud. it's just that on the day of the test, the logical reasoning questions somehow seemed easy! my general knowledge in those days used to be pretty okay and so i could crack most of the history questions as well.

of course, i didn't push my luck after clearing the first round. i studied and i must have scored pretty well in the second written round (they don't release the scores) coz my interview went pretty bad and still i got through!!

the second one is when i came 9th in an all-india essay competition organised by ICSE. it was open to students from 9th to 12th and i was in 9th when i secured a place in the top 15 - the number of essays that came out in the form of a booklet !! we were given about two hours to write the essay. we were sent to the library to do this and i was so convinced that i didn't stand a chance that i spent more than half the time reading a novel [:P]. it was an erle stanley gardener one, i think! anyways, with half an hour to go, my friend convinced me that it would look pretty bad if i turned in a botched attempt! so i wrote something. to be honest, it was shit!! what worked though was that i started it with a joke. something about corruption and the indian culture. my principal liked it and sent it as the school's entry. i was more than happy at this point of time because the other entry from the school was by the school's english stud. and he was in std 12!! it was indeed a yahoo moment for me!! and when i came to know, my essay had been selected, it was a google moment [:P]! okki, bad joke!!

i think i should get back to finishing that CV now [:)]!

i love you


i love you

and the days go by
unloved, uncared
i think of you
in all the tears
and all the love

i love you
and i see you there
smiling, radiant
beautiful as ever
walking away
far far away

i love you
and i bruise myself
bleeding, crawling
i strip myself
naked for you
to walk over me

i love you
and yet i hope
foolishly, naively
we'll meet
and you'll say
i love you

October 2, 2007

SOS


walls, crumbling walls
all around me
suffocating me
burying me in all the debris
please let me out
i'm dying in here

a ray of sunshine
is all i ask for

random notes


=>i am angry. at no one in particular. not even at myself. but the anger is there.

=>have no idea whether i'm going to go for finance or marketing as a specialisation. and the summer internship placements are just 15 days away.

=>btw, am looking forward to the ppts here. coz unlike the ones at my earlier college, the companies here provide snacks at the ppts [:P]!

=>there's this prof whom people find interesting. but i've almost slept through the three classes that we've had. he's not bad. but he's not great either.

=>i don't feel like studying this term. there's this weary feeling that has been haunting me ever since the start of this term. something is wrong somewhere.

=>i've started missing breakfast. something i never did earlier.

=>i have a bad habit of leaving leftovers after every meal. when i see the food, i get all enthusiastic and feel like eating a lot but then i get bored when i start eating and can't finish all that i take onto my plate.

=>the insomnia has returned.

=>i drew lots of crazy stuff in class today. in one drawing, a girl was crying and the tears formed a pool around her and a boy was drinking out of it through a straw!! then there was a tree which had thorns on all its branches and flowers underground.

=>i wish i could draw well. i would have drawn all that i dream. and then they would have felt real.

=>i remember many of the dreams i have while sleeping. sometimes as late as a day after i had them.

=>the prof i mentioned above - he likes people to come dressed immaculately. i went to class unshaven. i wanted to see what he would do and say. sadly, he did nothing.

=>today, in class, i remembered a talking mouth i used to make when i was a kid. but i couldn't recall how exactly it was made. i tried and tried but i couldn't make it [:(]! i fidgeted and sat absent-mindedly through that class! when i came back, i searched on metacafe. i had to navigate through 23 pages before i finally got what i wanted!! see it here !!

=>blogger transliteration isn't working in firefox for me [:(]! don't know why that's happening. google transliteration works all fine though. i had to use that for the previous post. everything's fine in IE !! will have to try to find out why this is happening.

=>it's been so many days since i've written something.

=>i think i'm going insane. finally.

October 1, 2007

SONGS !!

lottssss of songs i've heard in the past few days - bhool bhulaiya, manorama-six feet under, laaga chunari mein daag, jab we met, om shanti om, chhodo na yaar, saawariya, dil dosti etc, zindagi (zubeen garg) and junoon (abhijeet sawant). the last one is an old one actually but i made up my mind to listen to it after listening to the song whose new video is being shown on the telly these days.
i'll give the best of the best. at least two are good in each one of them..

तेरे एहसासों में, महकी सी साँसों में
ये जो महक संदली सी है
दिल की पनाहों में
बिखरी सी आहों में
सोने की ख्वाहिश जगी सी है
चेहरे से चेहरा छुपाओ
सीने की धड़कन सुनाओ
देख लो ख़ुद को तुम
आंखों में, मेरी आँखों में
[लबों को लबों से - भूल भुलैया ]

जब से तेरे नैना ,मेरे नैनों से लागे रे
तब से दीवाना हुआ, सबसे बेगाना हुआ
रब भी दीवाना लागे रे
[जब से तेरे नैना - सांवरिया ]

मनवा में मेरे आंधी है उठी
बस स्तब्ध खड़ी हूँ मैं
साँसों में बाँध अब मेरी साँस
निशब्द खडी हूँ मैं
दुनिया से जीती, जीती ख़ुद से हारी,
बस ध्वस्त खड़ी हूँ मैं
आईना मैं, और अक्स मैं
मदमस्त खड़ी हूँ मैं
[लागा चुनरी में दाग]

बेबसी का गुमान तेरे संग मंज़ूर है
अपना तुझे मान कर, दिल मेरा मगरूर है
अरमान सारे तुझपे हैं वारे
ख़ुद को किया तेरे हवाले
कसक उठी मेरे मन में पिया मुझे गले लगा ले
[कसक - छोडो न यार]

वो शख्स जिसके काँधे पे सिर रखके मैं सोया
सीने से जिसके लग के, कई बार मैं रोया
जिसकी ज़ुल्फ़ों की खुशबू में रातों को खोया
जिस जिस्म की बरसात में ये जिस्म भिगोया
इक दिन किसी बात पर वो रूठ गया था
उस हादसे के बाद ये दिल टूट गया था
[एक शख्स - जूनून ]

ख्वाब हसीं जो संजोये थे, छोड़ गए सब नैना
पल पल मर मर के ढलती हैं काली घनेरी रैना
जिस्म हूँ मैं, तू जान है मेरी
जीने की तू वजह है मेरी
तेरे बिन कुछ न भाये, लौट आ
जिया रे, जिया रे, लागे नाही जिया रे...
[जिया रे - जिन्दगी ]

चस्का पे ताला लगता नहीं
भेजा ये साला सुनता नहीं
तो क्या करें
सर पे चढ़ा है, ये जिद पे अड़ा है
कीडा लगा रे लगा
दम लगा, दम लगा ...
[दम लगा - दिल दोस्ती etc]

खुशनुमा आवारा सा, बेसबब बेचारा सा, लम्हा था
जिन्दगी के आसमान में, टूटा सा वो तारा था, तनहा था
कह रहे हैं ज़र्रे देखो, रास्तों से गुजरा था यहाँ
ढूंढते हैं उसको लेकिन, गायब हैं पैरों के निशान
लम्हा ये जाएगा कहाँ, लम्हा ये जाएगा कहाँ
लम्हा कहाँ ये खो गया, इक पल में तनहा हो गया
[लम्हा - दिल दोस्ती etc]

आंखों में तेरी, अजब सी, अजब सी अदाएं हैं
दिल को बना दे जो पतंग, साँसे ये तेरी, वो हवाएं हैं..
तेरे साथ साथ ऐसा कोई नूर आया है
चाँद तेरी रौशनी का हल्का सा इक साया है
तेरी नज़रों ने दिल का किया जो हश्र, असर ये हुआ
अब इनमें ही डूब के हो जाऊं पार, यही है दुआ..
[आंखों में तेरी - ओम शान्ति ओम ]

छन से जो टूटे कोई सपना, जग सूना सूना लागे
कोई रहे न जब अपना, जग सूना सूना लागे
है तो ये क्यों होता है, जब ये दिल रोता है
रोये सिसक सिसक के हवाएं सन सन
[जग सूना सूना लागे - ओम शान्ति ओम]

my favorite [:)]
आधा सा वादा कभी, आधे से ज़्यादा कभी
जीं चाहे कर लूँ तुमसे कभी
वफ़ा का
छोडे ना छूटे कभी
तोडे न टूटे कभी
जो धागा तुमसे जुड़ गया
वफ़ा का
मैं तेरा सरमाया हूँ
जो भी मैं बन पाया हूँ
तुमसे ही, तुमसे ही
रास्ते मिल जाते हैं
मंजिलें मिल जाती हैं,
तुमसे ही, तुमसे ही...
[तुमसे ही - जब वी मेट ]