smile.. and die...

plastic smiles
plastered across a crumbling face
people-pleasing effort
pale lips, cracking and bleeding
putting up an useless effort
paper-thin joy, torn at the edges
pangs of pain tearing through
plea to be understood
pages undiscovered and unread

plastic smiles
pathetic efforts at happiness
painting with false colors
pitch-black darkness beneath
preparing for take-off
perhaps into an endless night

plastic smiles
pungent odors of loneliness
prancing through embers of gloom
path-searching travails
placating the inner self
pious intentions gone wrong...

plastic smiles
peel them off
plunge into myself
parade your nakedness
puncture that facade
please please please...

plastic smiles
propriety personified
picture-perfect pretension

written in another class. not exactly a class but sort of a case-study workshop. this is getting to be a bad habit in this college - writing poems in class. will have to learn to pay attention.

battery of tests [:)]!!

INFJ - "Author". Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. Complex personality. 1.5% of total population.

Main type	Variant

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||| 53% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||||| 73% Type 3 Image Awareness |||||||||||||| 60% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||| 63% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||| 30% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||| 26% Type 9 Calmness |||||| 26% Your main type is 4 Your variant is self pres

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (73.2%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (26.8%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results Gregariousness |||||| 14% Sociability |||||||||||| 34% Assertiveness ||||||||| 26% Poise ||||||||| 22% Leadership ||||||||| 30% Provocativeness ||||||||||||||| 42% Self-Disclosure ||||||||| 26% Talkativeness |||||||||||| 38% Group Attachment |||||| 14% Extroversion ||||||||| 27% Understanding ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Warmth |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Morality |||||||||||||||||| 58% Pleasantness ||||||||| 30% Empathy |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Sympathy ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Tenderness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Nurturance ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Accommodation ||||||||||||||||||||| 63% Conscientiousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Efficiency ||||||||| 30% Dutifulness |||||||||||| 38% Purposefulness ||||||||| 26% Organization |||||||||||||||||| 58% Cautiousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Rationality |||||||||||| 38% Perfectionism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Planning ||||||||||||||| 46% Orderliness ||||||||||||||| 49% Stability ||||||||| 22% Happiness ||||||||| 26% Calmness |||||||||||| 38% Moderation ||||||||||||||| 50% Toughness ||||||||| 30% Impulse Control ||||||||||||||| 42% Imperturbability ||||||||| 22% Cool-headedness ||||||||||||||| 42% Tranquility |||||||||||| 34% Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 34% Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Ingenuity |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Reflection |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Competence |||||||||||| 38% Quickness ||||||||||||||| 50% Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Creativity ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Depth |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%

Factor		low score	high score
Gregariousness	14%	quiet, reclusive	engaging, socially bold
Sociability	34%	withdrawn, hidden	warm, open, inviting
Assertiveness	26%	timid, gunshy	controlling, aggressive
Poise	22%	uneasy around others	socially comfortable
Leadership	30%	stays in background	prefers to lead
Provocativeness	42%	modest, plays it safe	bold, uninhibited, cocky
Self-Disclosure	26%	private, contained	very open and revealing
Talkativeness	38%	quiet, stealthy, invisible	motor mouth, loud
Group Attachment	14%	loves solitude	prefers to be with others
Understanding	70%	insensitive, schizoid	respectful, sympathetic
Warmth	78%	disinterested in others	supportive, helpful
Morality	58%	break/ignore the rules	play by the rules
Pleasantness	30%	aloof or disagreeable	gets along with others
Empathy	74%	out of tune w/ others	in tune with others
Cooperation	66%	competitive, warlike	agreeable, peaceful
Sympathy	66%	socially inconsiderate	socially conscious
Tenderness	66%	cold hearted, selfish	warm hearted, selfless
Nurturance	62%	self pleasing, me first	people pleasing, me last
Conscientiousness	66%	reckless, unscheduled	careful, planner
Efficiency	30%	unreliable, lazy	finisher, follows through
Dutifulness	38%	leisurely, derelict	strict, rule abiding
Purposefulness	26%	inattentive, undisciplined	prepared, focused
Organization	58%	relaxed, oblivious	detail oriented, anal
Cautiousness	70%	impulsive, spendthrift	restrained, cautious
Rationality	38%	irrational, random	direct, logical
Perfectionism	70%	careless, error prone	detail obsessed
Planning	46%	disorganized, random	scheduled, clean
Stability	22%	easily frustrated	calm, cool, unphased
Happiness	26%	unhappy, dissatisfied	self content, positive
Calmness	38%	touchy, volatile	even tempered, tolerant
Moderation	50%	needs instant gratification	easily delays gratification
Toughness	30%	hypersensitive, moody	thick skinned
Impulse Control	42%	lacks self control	maintains composure
Imperturbability	22%	highly emotional	emotionally contained
Cool-headedness	42%	demanding, controlling	accommodating
Tranquility	34%	emotionally volatile	emotionally neutral
Intellect	74%	instinctive, non-analytical	intellectual, analytical
Ingenuity	82%	lacks new ideas	innovative, novel
Reflection	78%	unreflective, coarse	art and beauty lover
Competence	38%	slow to understand/think	intellectual, brainy
Quickness	50%	intellectually dependent	intellectually independent
Introspection	82%	not self reflective	self searching
Creativity	62%	dull headed	synthesizer, iconoclast
Imagination	78%	practical, realistic	dreamer, unrealistic
Depth	86%	lacks curiosity	mental explorer

W-H-I-T-E...

white, blinding light
anonymous purity
unending lies
a facade of pretension
an impression of truth
repaint the grays
maddening white
homogenising white
frightening white
claustrophobic white
making me feel black
an impossible dream
or a despicable dream?
white-clad angels
white cadaver
forced unity of colors
cloudy white skies
white with fear
white. white. all white.

wrote this in a mangerial economics class. was wearing a white shirt and i didn't like its color.

WTF!!

BLIND alleys... closed doors... running feet... crying eyes... desperate eyes... tired legs... heavy air... stifled gasps... broken dreams... shattered hearts... suffocating crowds... sweaty palms... searching eyes... blurring visions... solid walls... disappearing dreams... haunting memories... splitting headaches... bursting neurons... dark days... terrifying nights... wilted trees... unfinished melodies... howling winds... growing distances... dark corners...

pan's labyrinth

caught in a labyrinth
it's just walls everywhere
i keep running and running
and it's those walls again
brick and mortar and peeling paint
all that's left of life
there are white walls
and there are black ones
but they are still the same
all of them walls...
there's no roof though
so i don't feel claustrophobic
the stars are so free
and they laugh at me
wink as i fight the walls
anger me further
but there's the TRUTH
a way out of this endless maze
i can't see it though
the stars might
i'll have to travel the labyrinth
a hundred times over
to find that path
but i'll do it
even if i drop down dead
the moment i step out
and of one thing i'm sure
i won't die
before i do that...

written in a PMIR class. a morning one it was. and i had to do this to stay awake...

ashes to ashes, dust to dust [:P]

YIPPEE!! me back to being aquitaine!! my baby!! my first blog!!

okki, okki. lemme explain. i had been blogging at this address for the past three years. then, in january this year, for some reasons, i decided to delete this blog that went by the name of 'who am i'. i thought it was over after pressing the DELETE button. but no, more was yet to come. my blog got stuck on the web, in some database. i had switched to blogger beta in august and only the posts after that date got deleted. the rest of them were still there. and i could do nothing about it.

then, in the intervening 5 months, i began ruing my decision. not the deleting part. i just wished i had retained the address. but with the blog still stuck, i couldn't reclaim the address. i started a new blog but it wasn't the same as being aquitaine [:P]!!

all that changed yesterday [:)]!! i finally decided that i wanted my blog off the net for good. so i thought i'd write to blogger support. but therein lies the rub. coz if any of you have ever tried to actually find a form on blogger which would enable you to contact the blogger people, you know how hard it is. at every step, you are directed to look in the already existing help pages or in the google group. but the solution to my problem wasn't in any of these places.

so i used the login problems form [:P]!! i told them that this was the only mode of reaching them that i could find them.

this morning i received an email:
Thanks for writing in. I have deleted the pages you requested. They should no longer be accessible from the web, although some search engines may hold cached copies for a short period of time.

oh yeah!! i had done it!! and the next moment it struck me that i could reclaim my old address. which i did!!

so 'who am i' is back!! i wouldn't say 'with a vengeance' [:P] coz i'm still not sure if i want to continue with blogging. but yes, it sure feels good to be back [:)]!!

limelight

while the rest of the class discussed their expectations and concerns regarding the course on organizational behavior, i was busy doing this. since i don't have a camera, i've tried to reproduce it on paint as closely as possible. i love playing with letters. don't know why. most of the times i find out sexual/pornographic snippets hidden in a word but this time i stayed on the clean side [:P]!!

and believe me, my actual handwriting isn't much better [:P]!!

झूम बराबर झूम

धागे तोड़ लाओ चांदनी से नूर के
घूंघट ही बना लो रौशनी से नूर के
शर्मा गयी तो आगोश में लो
साँसों से उलझी रहे मेरी साँसे
बोल ना हलके हलके
होंठ से हलके हलके
बोल न हलके

बीच बाजारी दंगे लग गए
दो तल्वारी अंखियों के ओ मखना
जान कटे कि जिगर कटे
इन दो अंखियों से मखना
चांद की उतार ली है दोनों बालियाँ
आजा आजा हाथ मार दे तालियाँ
ओ बिल्लो नी बिल्लो नी बिल्लो नी
आजा चांदनी कूटेंगे आसमान को लूटेंगे
चल धुआं उड़ा के
झूम बराबर झूम बराबर झूम ...

क्या मस्त गाने हैं ना 'झूम बराबर झूम' के? ऐसे शब्द जिनका सीधे सीधे कोई मतलब ना निकलता हो, मुझे बहुत अच्छे लगते हैं।

but every time i hear these songs, i'm reminded of this flaw in my own writings. all my creations are very visual. i can never write lines like चांदनी कूटेंगे, आसमान को लूटेंगे !! which is sad. coz i want to do so. but can't. every time i try, i end up hating the two or three lines that i write. so i erase/tear them up.

another block to overcome.

wildflower

here we are
burning faster than the cursed star
falling back down to earth
i love you so it sometimes hurts

there's too much love
for this little heart of mine
i'm just not good enough
and so love hurts every time

trying to hold on to you
i cling to every memory of you
but it's all air and as we fall
i come up empty-handed

our butterfly flew away
it's a drab world now
one that's filled with you
one that's always missing you

and here we go again
falling through love
holding hands together
all in this mind here

but it hurts so much
to be soaring one second
and be falling the next
falling and failing

the first para is from 'wildflower' - sheryl crow.

end

i don't have control over my actions. someone made me do what i'm doing. and i've no choice but rush towards a vortex in a terrible hurry. a vortex i'm terribly afraid of. a black hole that would mean the end of my existence. i'm just another component of a huge crowd, a straw in a pile of hay. running along, jostled around, pushed and pulled. a flurry of thoughts crosses my mind as i hurtle along towards my inevitable death. i want to break free. i'm not afraid of dying but i wanna die free. not as a part of a crowd of lemmings jumping off a ledge. i hate their touch as they prod me along. i hate the cacophony of voices all around me. i want to be left alone. but i know i can't do anything.

i'm a ripple.

and the lake is gonna eat me up.

YO!!

i LOVE blogger. i really do. i swear. what's this recent declaration of love all about? well, blogger decided to include an autosave feature just like our already-lovely gmail. no more unsaved blogs. no more recovering blogs after crashes, praying fervently that the cookie thing worked.

i'd have liked to yell YAHOO!! but it seems inappropriate in this context [:P]!!

i LOVE google.

vacation posting 6 - bubble wrap

I go about life
Ensconced in a bubble wrap
Each small bubble a dream
My bulwark against the world

Me goes about my life
Puncturing each bubble
One by one
Breaking the dream

Sometimes I ask Me
Why he does so
The only reply I ever get
Is another broken dream

vacation posting 5 - dreams

Dreams. Reams of them. Dear dreams. Mere dreams. Smeared over. With colors I painted them with. Dreams made red. Bright red. Red like blood. Red like fire. What’s it called? Crimson, I think. Yes, crimson. Like the sky at sunset.

Dreams are funny things. But then life is funny too, isn’t it? But dreams are especially funny. Dream like a dreamer. Dream like there’s no tomorrow. Dream of tomorrows. But the yesterdays hurt. Hurt and pain. But what’s a dream got to do with pain? Or happiness either. A dream is a dream is a dream. An entity by itself. An existence of its own. Almost imperious. Almost haughty.

Dreams make me angry. But I don’t make dreams angry. Nor do I dream angry dreams.

Some dreams come true. Some don’t. Most don’t. Or is it ‘some’? Depends. On how many dreams are there. For me, it’s most. Does it hurt when dreams break? A question with an obvious answer. Sometimes I wish dreams could feel. Then they would be hurt too. And stop spawning.

Spawning. That’s the right word. One dream leads to another and then to yet another one. A never ending sequence. Dreams feed on themselves. No, not feeding. Coz a dream born doesn’t mean a dead dream.

Dream, dream dreams. Forget the me. Let go of the dams. Go mad. And sad. Dream dreams.

vacation posting 5 - dreams

Dreams. Reams of them. Dear dreams. Mere dreams. Smeared over. With colors I painted them with. Dreams made red. Bright red. Red like blood. Red like fire. What’s it called? Crimson, I think. Yes, crimson. Like the sky at sunset.

Dreams are funny things. But then life is funny too, isn’t it? But dreams are especially funny. Dream like a dreamer. Dream like there’s no tomorrow. Dream of tomorrows. But the yesterdays hurt. Hurt and pain. But what’s a dream got to do with pain? Or happiness either. A dream is a dream is a dream. An entity by itself. An existence of its own. Almost imperious. Almost haughty.

Dreams make me angry. But I don’t make dreams angry. Nor do I dream angry dreams.

Some dreams come true. Some don’t. Most don’t. Or is it ‘some’? Depends. On how many dreams are there. For me, it’s most. Does it hurt when dreams break? A question with an obvious answer. Sometimes I wish dreams could feel. Then they would be hurt too. And stop spawning.

Spawning. That’s the right word. One dream leads to another and then to yet another one. A never ending sequence. Dreams feed on themselves. No, not feeding. Coz a dream born doesn’t mean a dead dream.

Dream, dream dreams. Forget the me. Let go of the dams. Go mad. And sad. Dream dreams.

vacation posting 4 - a lonely walk

There’s something about this place
As dusk pours in through
There’s still a little light left
You know it’s there, you see it
You feel the glow
But you can’t count on it

You walk through the forest
And the thorns catch you
They invariably do, don’t they?
Had it been day and light
The blood would have glistened
But it’s dark now, dark as dusk

Shadows loom over you
Some known, most unknown
And for once you wish
You were lost for good
The shadows are so loving
As they embrace you in their midst

Black and shades of gray
Visions floating across your eyes
Bright colors against a background
Of the dullest shades around
It’s the past and the future
All rolled into one

Long have you travelled this path
And there’s still a lot left
But the funny thing about
This sort of twilight is
You never know for sure
If it’s of dusk or dawn

there was this wallpaper i had been staring at for a long time. led to this piece.

vacation posting 3 : good night

I like to watch you sleep at night
Hear you breathe, by my side
See you eyelashes so wonderful
I want to touch your eyes
To tell you I’ll be there
When you wake up, my love

Sometimes I take your hand in mine
As much to tell you once again
How much you mean to me
As to feel the sweetest gift
The heavens could ever give me
Your hand in mine forever

the first two are lines from the song 'all you want' [dido]. didn't complete this poem. another unfinished one.

vacation posting 2 - lights

Blobs of light
In an otherwise dark multitude
Hanging in ether
Their existence a miracle
But miraculously guiding
People gravitating to them
Shining pates, sweaty brows,
They wander off but come again
The blobs have their charm

Its white light they give off
But they shine on a green world
Green wads exchanging hands
The eyes are glued to the green
But wander for a flicker of an instant
To the lights above
Looking for guidance
For meaning to all that greenery

You see them all around
As you try to avoid them
To make out figures in the dark
But try all you might
They’ll blind you in the end
It’s inevitable
You may die in the process
But you'll see the light
Even if it's the last thing you see.

my father took me to a haat. and there were these bulbs hanging in thin air, illuminating the sellers and the buyers. it looked enchanting from a distance.

vacation posting - 1 : left dry

Furrows left behind
A few drops here and there
But the earth is parched again
Thirsty, hungry
Only this time around
There’s no water

Travel the trellis
And the gullies and the ravines
Remnants of a season
Of rain and contentment
Some of the earth’s gone
Washed away, eroded
But there’s none of the water left

The heat gets unbearable
The earth’s on fire
Scurrying through the furrows
For a memory of water
There’s nothing to be found
But search it must
Coz there’s nothing else left

All that’s left to do
Is to wait
Look to the skies
For a squall
That might never come
Will never come

What if it never rains again?
What then?
The earth will crack up
Die a dusty death
And will wait for water
To come one final time
And wash away the ashes.