reasons?

i'm crying.
for things i can't say.
for all the things i said.
for people i won't meet.
for people that never were.
for fleeting moments.
for moments that don't go away.
for dreams that became the stars.
for the stars i'll see alone.
for sand castles that lie broken.
for the quicksand that holds me.
for empty outstretched arms.
for loving embraces.

for the butterfly that flew away.

dream on!

and every time
i grow weary of
the winds beating my face
i look at my candle
and see how it's fighting
the winds with me
and i can open my eyes
to the strongest gales

and every time
i'm lost in the forest
stuck in a thorny embrace
bleeding and bleeding
i can see my butterfly
fluttering around me
and i can break free
to walk the stones again

and every time
the black-bricked walls and
the darkness in my heart
start drowning me
i peep out of
my white window
and i can see
my hope fairy flying by

[photo by Basu]

the 'hope fairy' is from pandora's tale. i have mentioned her previously too. here and here.

come, sit :)

आओ बैठें ज़रा
बावरे होने का फ़र्ज़
अदा कर दें
जलते सूरज को
प्यारी बातों से हंसा
चाँद को जला दें

आओ बैठें ज़रा
कि पार्क की ये बेंच
बड़ी अकेली लग रही है
इसकी बातें सुन
कल फिर आने का
वादा कर लें

आओ बैठें ज़रा
बहुत दूर जाना है
थोडा सुस्ता लें
माना इंतज़ार कर रही
पर रास्ते को भी
थोडा चिढा दें

आओ बैठें ज़रा
तितलियों के पंखों की
आवाजें सुन लें
जाने कब से
ये हमारी वाली तितली
कुछ कहना चाह रही है

आओ बैठें ज़रा
गोल घूमती दुनिया के
गोल घूमते लोगों से
थोडा दूर जा कर
अपनी अलग दुनिया बसा
उसमें गोल घूमें

आओ बैठें ज़रा
कि चलते हैं हम तो
तेरी आँखें नहीं दिखतीं
बड़ा जतन कर
तुम्हे हंसाता हूँ तो
हंसी नहीं दिखती

[photo by Basu]

[inspired by various sources: this xkcd comic; two and a half men season 6, episode 15; some 'jhoom barabar jhoom' songs'; and various others :P]

the water cycle

every day i wake up
and say to myself
i wouldn't think of you

then things happen
and even though i don't want
i remember

i talk to you
and tell you everything
all in my mind

i have you around me
all the shiny stars
in my small starry sky

and before i know it
i'm thinking of you
all through the day

every day i got to bed
crying to myself
thinking of you

supply-demand gap

i wonder why
the shooting stars
never dry up
every time i think
i'm done with dreaming
there's a shooting star
burning through the sky
asking for a wish

i once thought
i'd had too many already
and i wouldn't wish
upon the shooting star
but then it hung right there
stuck in the sky
helpless, puppy-eyed
looking at me
and i had to

so i became the wanderer
running away
from wish-hungry stars
i know it's foolish
trying to run away
from the sky above
but i have to

each wish is a candle
i have to keep lit
and protect from
all the winds and rains
and even though
i have a stupid heart
to wish on every star
but for all those candles
i only have two hands

[image by Crazy]

miscommunication

उसे घेर बैठे
तकते रहे रात भर
सुबह मुंह लटकाए
चले गए अपने घर
चाँद ने सोचा उन्हे
कहने की ज़रूरत नही
तारे सोचते रहे उसने
कुछ कहा क्यों नही

-------------

अनकही बातों का
सूनापन लादे
चलने का दर्द
सहा नही जाता
कहते हैं
कह देने से
ना कह पाने का
गम नही सताता

-----

unsaid

so, what's your story?

why do you think i should have a story?

so you're saying you don't have one?

i didn't say that!

that means you have one!

i didn't say that either!!

ha ha! i caught you there, didn't i?

but seriously, why do you think i have a story?

there's a faraway look in your eyes. like you're searching for someone else in me.

really, is it that evident?

i wouldn't have known otherwise, would i?

what if there is no story and i'm still searching for someone else?

you would have told me then, i think. among all the nonsense we've talked about.

so you mean to say i'm hiding something?

not hiding exactly. it's just a story that's stuck with you and refuses to go away.

hmm...

so are you going to tell me?

some other day, maybe.

you know, you don't need to.

thank you for that.

the news today

-aamir khan says idiot is not the same as stupid. i wonder where he gets his english word meanings from.

-two mass shootings in america in two days. osama bin laden (if he's alive) must be thinking he's better off having roasted camel in some cave in afghanistan. the americans will kill themselves.

-cricinfo came out with a list of highest scores by batsmen in matches that their teams eventually lost. guess what, sachin figures the most number of times (along with gayle). what does this tell you? that india is a one-man team? or that he's not a good finisher? the appearance of statistics, like a gun, depends on which end you are looking at.

- here's another statistic. sachin has scored nearly double the runs of the player comes second when you tally the runs scored by indian players in matches india lost eventually.( i selected all matches where tendulkar played). but then his average in matches india lost is only 33.11, much lower than his career average of 44.59.

- the saga of mr. madhu koda, the former CM of jharkhand is getting bigger and bigger by the day. the people of jharkhand are proud that they now have a son of the soil who's made a name for the state by being the mastermind of probably the biggest scam in the history of this country.

- china is auctioning condoms that were meant to be sold at the olympics. now this would undoubtedly be a marathon event.

- and, looks like, someone's pockets really got warmed up by all this talk of global warming. al gore is set to become a 'carbon billionaire'. though i must also mention that he's denied this allegation.

- aaj ke samachar samapt hue.

PS: i'm thinking of starting a blog where i'll post interesting links i trawl through in a day. let's see where this goes.

things that go bump in the night

he felt a dull pain in the pit of his stomach. as if he'd been kicked hard in the solar plexus. the thing he had dreaded the most all these days had happened after all. there she was, someone he'd thought he'd never see again. had actually prayed this shouldn't happen. and what was she doing in this city, of all places? she had no reason to visit this city, as far as he knew. but then, it had been so many years - 3 years 5 months 12 days to be exact - and he didn't know much about her anyway.

but the reasoning and recap could be dealt with later. there was an immediate problem at hand. he had no idea what his expression was like at that particular instant: surprise, teary remembrance, feigned smile..? he was afraid all this must have summed up into one big constipated demeanor. hell, she was walking toward him. why couldn't she have simply turned and walked away? or why hadn't he run away the moment their eyes met?

there was no escape possible now. what was he going to say?? there were actually so many things to say but he'd vowed to himself he would never say them to her. so should he just say 'hi'? an intimate past reduced to a 'hi'? a life of loving her (at least this was what it had seemed to him then) and a 'hi'?

hi

there it was again.. the kick to his stomach..

hi!! it's been so long since i last saw you!

3 years, 5 months, 12 days since the day you went away..

oh yes, i moved out of the city. job change and all, you know. earning a living is tough these days.. so what are you up to these days?

please don't answer that. please please. i don't want to know anything about your life any more. makes me realise i'm not a part of it. and won't ever be..

just the same. sticking to the old job.. but thinking of shifting.. am here to give an interview..

and there it was! the reason why he didn't want the answer. what should he do now? pray that she gets the job now and he might have a chance of running into her at some corner another day. or pray she stays away so he doesn't throw himself into the same circles again?

oh! super! so have you given it or is it scheduled later?

arre i gave it yesterday. actually it went quite okay. i think i'll get the job.

fuck!!

congratulations!!!

don't ask the company. don't ask the company.

so which lucky company is it?

haha! i don't know if they are lucky or not. it's the same company you work in.

that smile again! how hard he had tried to forget it. and the accompanying crinkling at the edges of her eyes. but wait a sec! what did she say just now?

i'm sorry i didn't get you..

oh ho! i got a job in your office!

you mean this one!

he felt like an idiot actually pointing to the building he had just come out of. on second thought, he now had the reason why she was here. and he wasn't feeling good about the whole thing.

yes sir, THIS one!

oh!

why, is that a problem for you?

no, no, i mean...

yes, it is. how will i live with seeing you everyday and knowing that i can't love you? or remember everyday the day you left me. or go through the reasons you gave for leaving me. how will i now close the cupboard of memories i had somehow managed to lock shut. memories and all my dreams.

see, i know it's awkward. but you should also realise that we weren't meant to be together. i'm really sorry.

DON'T SAY THAT!

say what?

that you're sorry!

why so?

it's a convoluted reason. you wouldn't understand. anyway, congratulations once again. see you in office soon. bbye.

don't say sorry coz you can't be sorry for leaving me. or else you would have come back. no, you are sorry for starting it in the first place. for loving me ever. and i can't take that sorry. coz that's a love i hold dear still. even though i'll never tell you now. and suddenly, that project in the other city seems inviting... but for now, just run and don't look back...

why one shouldn't browse the internet while in office

it started with two seemingly innocuous stories on bbc.co.uk. number 1 and number 2 . both dealt with records created by making food of huge proportions. so those items were then searched on wiki. and meatball and tiramisu lead to cheesecakes and creampuffs and ostkaka and fatost and white and dark chocolate and mascarpone and boston cream pie and sachertorte and Prinzregententorte and so on. and then i reached the cheesecake factory. and happened to go through their menu.

and all this made me feel H.U.N.G.R.Y.!!!!

(long) short story

see, please don't take this the wrong way. but i've grown rather fond of our conversations. there's this connection i've made with you that just hasn't happened ever before. time just flies by when i'm with you. you've come to mean much more than just a friend to me. i feel something missing the day i don't talk to you. and i try desperately not to have any such days. you might have noticed my stupid attempts to start a conversation or the insane reasons i give for calling you up. and there's also the bombardment of SMSs. you see, there's this desire to be in constant touch with you, to tell you things as soon as they happen, to make you the first one i share it with. i never thought i would feel like this with anyone but here i am, going through this whirlwind of emotions.

149 words and you still can't say 'i love you'.

you were counting?

yes, i was.

so what do you say?

i sat through 149 stupid words and am still sitting here. you still need an answer?

oh.

spinning stories

blurred images speed past
as if i'm on a train

i hold you once again
and turn round and round
smiles meet grins
as we shout out in glee
i realise i love you
with everything i have

teary visions clear up
and baggy eyes light up

we sit there on the porch
looking at the stars up above
wishing upon each one
something for one another
i hold your hand
and my world's complete

the dark of the night
gives way to some light

we talk and talk
and empty our hearts out
and as you lay your head
gently on my shoulder
you know i'll be there for you
forever and ever

i have my finger on rewind