numb. really really numb. not feeling. not sensing. not paining. numb to the point of indifference. like a rock. no emotions. no hurt. the blood drains out. don't look. feel it inside. drop by drop. a rivulet down the arm. and the cheeks. and the throat. constricting, choking. funny feeling in the head. a light buzz. calm fear. cold fear. vague fear. crushing the neurons. blinding flashes across the eyes. bolts of memories. long-gone happiness. numbness seeping in. all-pervading ice. shivering fear.

don't go

stand still, right in this place
let me breathe
please, please, please
you are hurting me
why don't you ever understand me
i'm attached to you for life
you are not on your own
everything you do affects me
you are driving me mad
you drag me to places
that wrench me apart
and make me wince in pain
gash me all over
my heart and soul
you know every bit of this
and yet you hurt me so much
why? i want to know
when you feel the same pain
and the same insanity
stop this, will you!!
don't leave me, don't go anywhere
don't wander, stay here..

where's my mind?
================================

[the last line is the title of a james blunt song]

Fast n Furious [:P]

there was this production class going on and the prof was explaining a process flow diagram. he had taken the example of a samosa wherein the final process was fold and fry. so he asked a girl to walk up to the board and write the answer. and she abbreviated it as FF !! and i couldn't help grinning !!

[for the uninitiated, FF is used in erotica to mark a story involving encounters between two females. on the same lines, we have MF, MMF, MFF... and so on ]

Q & A

"how much do you love me?"

"if you need to ask me that, i don't think i need to answer that question."

HP7

:D :D :D

i read it [:)]!! finished it on 22nd !!! and it's GOOOOOOD!! except the last chapter, of course!! i'd rate it my second favorite (after goblet of fire).

alas!! we'll have no more potter books [:(]!!

warmth...

the flames leap up time and again
and i'm blinded, my eyes burnt
i wanna see my tears flow
but all i see is the night within
there's no moon in my night
it's a white hot night

i scream out loud, to no one
and more flames arise to meet me
my voice dies before i give it life
i feel like crying and crying

but the tears had dried up
long before this fire started
how i wish i could cry a bit
tears would have put out this fire

i don't deserve a respite
lemme burn inside...

i love you...

and i don't want to fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you
I don't wanna talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you.

lemme just hold you once
touch you, and feel your presence
gimme your shoulder to cry
there's a lot of things i wanna say
say how much i love you everyday
even when you are gone so far away
'cause i'm in love with you

let me hold your face in my hands
as my eyes cry all your tears
lemme touch my lips to your cheeks
and look into your beautiful eyes
tell you just how you mean
the entire world to me
'cause i'm in love with you

'cause i love you like i've never
and will never again

===============================

the first stanza is from 'fall to pieces' - avril lavigne

weep to sleep to weep

i'd like to watch you sleep at night
to hear you breathe
by my side
and though sleep leaves me behind
there's nowhere i'd rather be

your scent lingers in my room
it's ages since you were here
but i see you everywhere
just like yesterday
the strand of hair on your cheek
and the dewdrop
caught in your eyelashes

still where you left it all
i gather every memory
but they keep running away
and sometimes i just can't sleep
fearing i'd wake up
and forget something else

there's a little Sunshine
pouring in through a broken slat
and i swear i could
feel you here just a moment ago
the phone doesn't ring
and the windchime is silent
all the sounds are waiting
for just one thing
the sound of your laughter

i lie sprawled on this bed
with my head buried
under the pillow
hoping you'd come again
breathe into my ear
and wake me up

my fingers trace out the place
you lay down beside me
was it yesterday?
or a blink ago?

i'd like to watch you sleep at night
to see you smile...

===========================

partly lifted from 'all you want' - dido.

b-school gaatha

now that i've spent about a month in this place, me thinks me should jot down a few griping comments on life in a b-school.

the biggest trouble in a b-school is that there are too many managers and too few workers. everyone wants to take the lead and organise and co-ordinate. which usually leads to timelines getting stretched and more organization and co-ordination. there was this event where we had to prepare a marketing campaign and i was making a poster and this guy comes along and says - "hey maaan, i think this font doesn't look very cool! make it something more flashy." and promptly walked away to give some more instructions to someone else. i can bet my (future) year's salary that this particular fellow didn't know how to hold a brush right...

and btw, the two most frequently used phrases i hear are - "hey maaan!" and "hey guys!"

i strongly believe that 70% of the tension in a b-school is artificially created. surprise tests, assignments, pre-readings, projects and the worst of all - group projects. when you get 5 group projects and all of them have different groups and you have mammoth problems of scheduling meetings, you understand what group interaction is all about.

then there's the problem of class participation. somehow people have this misconception that this is all about asking questions. "sir, since standard deviation is the square root of variation, why do we need to have two terms? we could as well have done with one!! " "sir, normally in economics we deal with two variables. why are you using three variables here and unnecessarily complicating matters?"

baaki complaining kisi aur din [:P]!!

visual treat

there's it for you to see
all in eastman color
in the most vivid of hues
lives of all the people
you've ever wanna be

and you lead an artificial life
knowing of a lot of things
others want you to know
trying to keep in touch
with all the happenings around
but all you wanna do
is to run away from
the real happenings within you

you sit and stare
and emote and comment
a fucking fake involvement
and when no one's looking
you let your gaze wander
to your palms
as you gaze at the lines
and wonder for the nth time
why you ever let them
make you do all this

it's just a television
but do i really care ?

इंतज़ार

रातों में तारों को तकते
टिमटिमाते मोतियों में
तेरी आंखों को ढूंढते
उमड़ घुमड़ के आते जाते
कुछ सयाने बादलों से
तेरा पता पूछते पूछते
बरसों जिन्दगी काटी है
लम्हों को गिनते गिनते

the TREE

it's a tree
a vast sprawling one
demon of a tree
thousands of offshoots
millions of branches
grasping tentacles
and i'm lost
as i travel my tree
my endless-maze-tree

my tree is withered
it has no leaves
all brown, no green
stubborn, silent and alone
it has no one else
just me
just as i've no one else
but my tree

i sowed a thought
and watered it my tears
nourished with my fears
it breathed in my sadness
and thrived on my atonement
all my mistakes and my sins
have come to life
the tree has sprung to life

i hug onto it
as it feeds on me
sends its roots deep inside
my very identity
someday i'll become the tree
all brown, no green
stubborn, silent and alone

someday i'll become the tree
i'll be just a bundle
of all those zillion thoughts
that i call my tree
=====================

the writing of this one spanned two classes - eco and marketing.

my home that was...

a prayer

o lord, please give me a slightly longer attention span. i admit that i'm a near perfect creation of yours but nothing's actually perfect in this world, is it? you insist on putting just a wee bit of imperfection in each one of us. my imperfection is my wandering thoughts. goddamn it (please excuse me) but i can't even pay attention to thinking. i knew it was getting worse when i couldn't even gaze at girls in peace, without my mind wandering to other things - mundane things, much more mundane things. i can't keep track of conversations, save with a select few. i can't study for more than 10 mins at a stretch. i can't do anything with my heart and mind and soul.

can't write any more. forgot what it was i wanted to say.

फिर ना जाना

उलझी हैं इन गेसुओं में कहीँ
थोड़ी सी धुंधली चांदनी
कह रही है रात अभी यहीं
भूली सी जुगनुओं की कहानी

कोहरे में लिपटी तुम आयी हो
पूरी हुई है हर आस
मानों बारिशों ने घोली हो
जीवन में फिर से मिठास

ख्वाबों का ताना बाना बुनते
पथरा गयी थी आंखें
अब जो आंसू बहा रही हैं
बौरा गयी हैं आँखें

lovely fear

sometimes i wonder
why there's so much fear
when there's so much love
every time i feel love
i'm terrified

opposing emotions
wrenching me apart
but the more my love grows
the more i have this feeling
this heavy feeling in my heart
holding me back

why? why fear?
fear of separation?
fear of being hurt?
fear that my love
won't be returned?

isn't it so very strange
an emotion so pure
and so deep as love
should depend on someone else
for it to be complete?

but life isn't fair
and will never be
welcome to the real world

day and departure

deafening silence
it's all loneliness
it's morning
and you aren't there
guided me through the night
held my hand along
i could never really see you
it was dark
and i was blind
but i trudged along
waiting for the dawn
just to see you
put a face to that voice
that consoled me, encouraged me
loved me
the sun shines down
and i cringe back in fear
i long for your hand in mine
i'm afraid

i'd go back to the night
if only to hear your voice again...

times gone by

two months. that's the time that has elapsed since i left college. only to join another one. i reckon the previous one deserves a word or two on this blog. but i didn't feel at home there. neither here. i don't feel at home anywhere. not even at home. i'm a vagabond afraid of traveling.

anyways, iit kharagpur was kind to me in several ways. i discovered a lot of myself in those five years, especially the last three. but i didn't change. maybe, i spent all my time discovering.

but what i loved most was my room!! my own world. call it perverse thinking, but i felt more remorse leaving that room than i did while leaving most of the people behind.

it would be wrong to say that i didn't learn anything academic. but surely i didn't learn even a fraction of what i was supposed to learn. i said this in the farewell function organized by the department. but it was mostly my fault. i went to classes only to solve sudokus and crosswords and to write poems for my blog.

i didn't do many things that most people did there. i seldom had night-outs just for the heck of it. i didn't frequent chhedis/eggies/aunty's. i never attended any tds/etms/wtms/htds show. save for one. but it was the tds show of sf, the year i was the head of the sf newspaper. it was only in my final year that i went to 90D. lots of other things...

even though at present i've no intention of returning to that place any time soon and i don't think i'll ever miss kgp, yet it is and will be an important part of my life.

plurality

my name is naWEen. it's not a single person. it's a 'WE'. too many people inside. too many insides. and too many minds. fighting minds. ego clashes. turf wars. territory issues.

most of them bite. stay away.

i love you

she looked into his eyes
looked at herself in his eyes
her voice was a coarse whisper
"take me home"

he held her hand in his
holding back his own tears
his tears of joy
"i may not be your ideal man
but of one thing i'm sure
you'll never find me lacking in love
my love for you"

and as they walked into the sunset
this promise they made
"no matter what happens
our love will suffice for everything"

======================================
"take me home" - is a line in the novel 'for matrimonial purposes' by kavita daswani. read it yesterday. this is actually the deciding line in the novel. i loved it [:)].

btw, wrote this in yet another class [:P].

a conversation

what's wrong with you?

where did this come from?

i mean, why can't you talk normally with me? you always are so ... made-up and masked... this isn't you..

is it really so? do i give out that impression?

aw, come on!! give that bullshit to someone who doesn't know you!! agreed, we aren't a couple anymore but can't we be just friends ?

if you know me - and i think you do - you know i'd love to have that happen to me.

then why don't you try... why this hesitation? look, you must accept the fact that we weren't meant to be together...

that's not an easy thing to do, is it?

but it's something you must do. coz that's the FACT!! and you can't run away from it.

if there's anything i'm running away from, it's myself...

there you go again... we were friends way before we fell in love, weren't we?

yes, we were. in fact, this friendship was the reason why we fell in love...

then why forget that friendship? you can't marry every girl you are friends with, can you?

you aren't exactly any or every girl, are you? for me, you were the one and only girl. you're the only one i've ever wanted to marry.

that is NOT going to happen. i repeat - NOT!!!! if that's the case, why do you bother talking to me at all?

i just want to listen to you voice sometimes...

please.. not that sentimental stuff again... i've had enough of it. you still haven't answered my original question...

which one?

why do you put up a charade and act so distant when you talk to me?

coz i'm afraid i'll get addicted to your voice. and then you'll stop talking to me someday and then what will i do?

so you are going to live your life in fear?

i don't think i have too much of a choice in this matter.

go ahead. it's your life. do whatever you want to with it.

pointed question

what do you draw the most when you doodle? for me, it's unquestionably the arrow. dunno why my notebooks are all full of arrows - of different shapes and sizes, some connecting things, some disconnecting them.

does it have an underlying meaning - like maybe it's a subconscious effort to find a direction in life [:P]!! or maybe my inner self chooses this mode to give me directions [:D]!!

india are 33/2 right now. someone give them directions too...

but it might also mean that i am a control freak. i like to give directions and in general, dominate !! hai raam!! this is almost an allegation against my sweet demure self [:)]!!

what else? it might mean that i'm highly organized and i like things to follow a logical order. it might also mean that i always know what to do next. coz for me it's just a game of joining the arrows to their targets.

see this post for an illustration.

or it might mean that i'm actually itching to give directions to that bloody prof who's making me sleepy and absent-minded enough to start doodling[:D]!!!

तुम चले गए

लिपटी इन हवाओं में
फिर आयी हैं कुछ तेरी यादें
लिपटी इन आंसुओं में
घुल चली हैं कुछ तेरी बातें

भूलने को कुछ ना रहा
पर यादें फिर भी हैं यहाँ
भूलूं कुछ तो डरता हूँ
ढून्ढून्गा फिर तुझे मैं कहॉ

अरसा गुजरा उन आँखों में
तस्वीर अपनी देखे हुए
अरसा गुजरा इन आंखों में
इक हंसी आये हुए

कुछ यादों को लगा कर गले
आंखें नम रहती हैं
कुछ कहना था तुमसे
अब बातों की कमी रहती है

हर पल अनायास कुछ बातें
तुमसे करने को मुड़ता हूँ
तेरे जाने की बात याद कर फिर
अन्दर ही अन्दर टूटता हूँ

अब शायद कभी तेरी हंसी
ना देख सकूंगा मैं
उस दिन की हंसी को संजोये
ना हंस सकूंगा मैं

क्या कहूं कैसा लगता है
जब तुम याद आते हो
और इस टूटे दिल को
बेबसी महसूस करा जाते हो

दूर से ही प्यार कर
कभी खुश हो लेता हूँ
कुछ पल के लिए ही सही
दिल को बहला लेता हूँ