of questions and doodles

--was doodling and scribbling in class and came up with these :

how's the house?
why's the vise? / why's it wise?
where's the wares?
what's the watts?

(couldn't find anything for when and who [:(] ! the first why question was suggested by sunny . )

--drew lots of doodles on the blackboard yesterday. we were practising for our OB presentation in an empty class and i was busy dirtying the board while other members of my group were diligently working :D! thank god i wasn't called upon to give the presentation today !! i would have fucked it all up pretty badly !!

--i know i suck at drawing :D!! i failed an arts exam in std. 1 [:D]!!

broken inside

a thousand shreds and i wonder
how i walked through this day
and came out whole and alive
the crimson lights die their death
and the sunshine goes away
there's no warmth and i wither
fall and crumble and die
in a thousand different ways

exploding eyes set me on fire
the pyre seems so lovely
i arrange the logs, set them right
as they char me to ashes
i'm nothing again and yet
i'm not free, i'm washed away
by a torrent so fast
i don't even get the time to blink
all my life i was thirsty for water
and when it came it was too much

broken inside, i'm broken inside
no one can mend me again
the pieces just keep staring
a myriad eyes bore into my mind
innumerable visions and dreamy identities
i trudge through a mire
that runs too deep and too vast

broken, bruised, battered
beaten, i'm beaten inside

---------------------------------

inspired by 'nobody's home' - avril lavigne

random notes

=>first time i'm blogging from class

=>a loooooooong time since i've blogged in this format

=>there's simply too much on my mind these days

=>haven't had a sound sleep for a week now, and not because of work pressure

=>i hate making ppts, i hate making reports

=>i want to have gulabjamuns [:(]

=>i've realised that burying my head in my pillow doesn't make work go away.

=>i'm not looking forward to the vacations. it's not that i want to stay here.

=>come to think of it, it's been more than a week since i talked to papa. he wasn't there every time i called up. will phone him today.

=>why do people write so much on the slides?

=>have been missing breakfast for so many days now. and i wake up before 7:30 everyday.

=>orkut has a new look. not much change though, except the colors

=>feel like running away, though i still have to figure out from what or to where

=>i don't read too many blogs and i don't like this fact

=>it's been a while since gmail came up with a new feature. i want the invisible feature in gtalk. just for the heck of it.

=>i noticed that i've started wearing tees a lot.

=>haven't eaten anything since morning today.

=>when did i start being okay with my room being a mess?

=>the world is a very funny place to live in.

=>i need one more pillow. i already have two.

=>feel like burning all my books. especially the OB one.

=>the last time i read a novel was about a month ago [:(].

truisms

a crowd isn't the best place to lose yourself in.

the rainbow has so many colors. but not my favorite one.

life is the best teacher when it comes to a lesson in surprises.

when the coincidences keep piling up, rest assured that you are doomed.

is when is it going to end equal to why did it ever start ?

when your thoughts start draining you, it's time for an escape.

time ticks on. life goes on. and i stay at the same place.

you know so much about yourself. and yet you can't understand yourself. what chance then do we have of understanding someone else?

self-destruction never did anyone any good. and that's almost a truth.

when i find that everything is going well, i know it's time to wake up.

SOS !!!

it's official. an emergency has been declared. something needs to be done - and quickly. there's a life at stake. and time is running out.

i found that my jeans isn't the snug fit it was when i bought it. and for your information, it was a size 28 one [:(]! any lower and i'll either have to go to the kids' section or the girls' section the next time i go shopping for clothes.

50 kg and on the wane - isn't exactly the sort of headline i'd like to be written about me. i'm on the verge of extinction. i'm fading away - literally.

ab kya karenge bhaiye, ab kahan jayenge bhaiye ?

feeling red

Feeling blue
When I'm trying to forget the feeling
That I miss you

Feeling green
When the jealousy swells and it won't
Go away in dreams

Feeling yellow
I'm confused inside a little hazy but mellow
When I feel your eyes on me

Feeling fine, sublime
When that smile of yours
Creeps into my mind

Nobody told me it feels so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colourblind
You make me colourblind

these are lines from colorblind - darius. there's more but that's not why i'm writing this post. yesterday evening, out of nowhere, i remembered this song. and along with the memory came the urge to listen to it. i didn't have it on my comp. i searched for the mp3 and couldn't find it in any of the first 10 results google threw up. time was running out. i had to go for a class where the prof closes the door dot at 6. opened youtube. but the buffering here took a lot of time. i was literally jumping up and down waiting for the song to download [:(]!! the result - zilch !! sob sob!! had to go to class without hearing the song [:((]!! was fidgeting all through that class. couldn't wait for it to get over and rush back. finally, finally, after one and a half hours of torture, the class got over and i almost ran back. no prizes for guessing what was the first thing i did when i got back to my room [:D]!!

these are the occasions when i miss my earlier college. to be specific, the LAN there!!

आसमानी बातें

आसमान के आंगन में
बादलों की गोद में
चिरौरी करती है
कभी उछल इधर
कभी उधर कूदती है
मेरी पतंग तो बस
हवा से बातें करती है

डोर का कुछ होश नहीं
कौन बांधे उसे
उसपर तो कोई बस नहीं
हंसती गाती उड़ती है
कुछ अपने गीत
कुछ मेरे सुनाती है
मेरी पतंग तो बस
हवा से बातें करती है

सूरज चन्दा के किस्से
मुझे ढेरों सुनाती है
कभी डोर को खींच
मुझे चिढ़ाया करती है
पर कभी कभी अचानक
बहुत दूर लगती है
कोसों दूर कहीं
आंखों से ओझल लगती है
मेरी पतंग तो बस
हवा से बातें करती है

उसकी आंखों से कहीं
मैं भी सपने देख रहा हूँ
उसकी ख़ुशी में कहीं
मैं भी खुश हो रहा हूँ
पतंग ओ पतंग मेरी
बस उड़ती रहना रे !!

hungry/sleepy/tired/sad...

had only a glass of milk for breakfast. missed lunch. sleeping. sorta insomnia. spending lots of time sleeping. but getting no sleep. wakeful sleep. leaves me all weary. don't feel like doing anything. and obviously, there's lots to do. OB project. production assignment. QT test. room's a mess. have to download some songs. watch a movie. lottts to do. but i know i'm going to do none of these. i'm just going to sit here and think and mope and sleep and still not sleep. had repeated the same routine yesterday. then had a packet of hide and seek for snacks. let's see what they give for snacks today... if i sleep any more, i'll die. have a bad ache all over my body. and still i need sleep. head feels so light. maybe i'm going to faint. and then die. boy dies of hunger in a premier management institute. good headline it will make. boy dies of insomnia won't be as good. but what i'd love is boy goes into coma and comes out with amnesia. duh!!

i'm stuck in the middle of a dream. an endless nightmare.

revisited

this blog post (actually the first four lines) reminded me of something i had written long long ago. on the earlier version of aquitaine. and i felt like writing it here again. after all, the two versions have much in common [:P]! so here it is. it was titled, and obviously so, 'a race and a man' .

he was running with them
and he fell down
a cloud of dust engulfed him
he couldn't see them
and he decided he had lost
he let his sweat
soak in the dust and grime
hoping he'd get invisible
or a part of the dust

he was running with them
and he fell down
and they thought
they had defeated him
but the happiness wasn't for long
there, from the cloud of dust
he rose again
and seeing him with that halo
they knew they had lost

he was running with them
and he fell down
and he sat there
waited for the cloud of dust
to settle down
so that he could see them pass by
he made fun of them
for running with the pack
for not having the guts
to leave the rat-race

he was running with them
and he fell down
he didn't let
the cloud of dust settle down
kicked up more dust and
he tripped everyone
who passed thru the cloud
if he couldn't win
neither could anyone else

he was running with them
and he fell down
and he started crying
even with the cloud of dust
all around him
he blamed them
he blamed god
and he blamed himself
and he lay there, crying
he decided he would run
alone from now on

he was running with them
and he fell down
they kicked him down
in the cover
of the cloud of dust
he bore it all without a word
he let them win the race
but something died in him
and he became the wanderer.

travel

fight. crawl out. one step forward and two steps back won't get you anywhere. stop clinging to the ground. to status quo. take the leap. there's blood seeping out of your fingernails. you are holding too tight. let go. you can do it. and you know it. there's nothing left here for you. nothing to do. nothing you can do. zilch is the word. there might be a new world waiting for you. and there might be the fires of hell. whatever it is, you've got to see it. and change. for better or worse. this place isn't going to do you any good. so get up and run away. flee. it's not cowardice. you are not running away from your fears. you are just moving on faster than your fears. where everything ends, you might never know. but this is NOT it.

you are stupid. and you can't change it. but please don't go insane.

बूंदों से गुफ्तगू

बूंदों से मिलती आंखें
खारी बूँदें, मीठी बूँदें
सर को झटको तो
बिखर जाती है बूँदें
हथेली पे थाम लो
नही तो भाग चली बूँदें

कल की बारिश में
बूँदें मिलने आयीं थीं
हँसते हँसते कुछ बातें की
फिर भर आयी आंखें
हाथों को फैला
बारिश के गले लग के
मैंने अपने दिल को छुआ था

बूंदों की आंख मिचौली में
गीला मन सूख चला था
पलकों पे ठहरी एक बूँद में
एक नया जहाँ देखा था
चंचल सा एक जहाँ
नाचा था उस बूँद में

बूँदें अपने साथ
कुछ यादें लाई थीं
कुछ कोने में पडी हुई
कुछ भूली बिसरीं
कुछ की धूल धो कर
फिर नयी सी बना कर

पर बूँदें तो शैतान होती हैं
खेल खेल में छू जाती हैं
तन से लिपट
मन को ठण्डा कर जाती हैं

कल फिर बारिश होगी
कल फिर बूंदों से बातें होंगी

-----------------------------

don't know why i write something almost every time i get wet in the rains - which i do almost every time i can [:P]

cry.. and die...

i wish i could cry
all my tears at once
there are so many tears
and too much of crying
to let me breathe

but the more i cry
the more it frightens me
what if i never stop?
no one ever proved
that tears dry up
if you cry enough

i get scared
when i don't get tired
of watching the tears
as they drop down
and instead of draining me
fill me with more sadness

i wish i could cry
fall upon my knees
cry for a sight
i might never see

----------------------------

'i wish i could cry' is from 'superman - it's not easy' - five for fighting. written in OB class. and no, i wasn't crying there [:P]!!

>:P

hehe!! this emoticon is supposed to be a derisive one. but i find it cute. for a detailed discussion, you can see this. and this golu-molu kid looks super cute doing phbbt !! found it while random-browsing orkut, in some gal's pics...

questions ??

there are a few phrases that i absolutely dread when i'm in class :

"sir, i think... "

"sir, i feel... "

"sir, shouldn't it be... "

"sir, what if... "

why? coz what follows is and endless exploration of mindless doubts. well, to be honest, not all are mindless. but most are. and when people keep on asking doubts even when there are less than five minutes left for the class, i really feel like standing up and shouting at the top of my voice - SHUT UP, for god's sake!!

like in our industrial relations class, the kind of situations people come up with would shame a professional crook.

"sir, what if someone is caught stealing a laptop ?" - ever heard of an employee stealing a laptop?

"sir, suppose if an employee resigns and his employer has a grouse against him. now this person goes to another company and the HR of that company asks his old company for reference. now the HR of the old company - since he has an enmity with the person - will give an adverse reference. how does the new employer judge the veracity of the report??" - HAWWWW !! is this some plot of a novel or what??

in the OB class, it's surprising how a few people seem to have experienced almost every concept in the book in their professional and personal lives!!

questions, questions and still more questions. they don't even let me sleep [:(]!! and the chairs are such that you can't sleep. at least i can't.

i know i'm being cynical [:P] but every once in a while, it does get to me!! and i'm not alone in my woes. there's a silent minority in class, the members of which can't do anything but stare at each other helplessly every time the questions flare up.

o God, give me this day the strength to survive another day of questions...

a productive evening

now this is what i call the perfect example of laziness!! but the hands do pain if you hold the phone for too long a time. and the back does hurt if you sit up for extended durations. it's always advisable to exert yourself only the minimum amount possible.

reminds me of the quote i had in my room in college - when in doubt, sleep !! [ my adaptation of the famous quote of 'scent of a woman' ]

and who was i talking to? well, on an impulse, i called up almost everyone in my address book. it did wonders to my balance though [:(]! i only stopped when the battery gave up. i go mad sometimes [:P] !!

advice

the mind keeps returning back
to places it shouldn't
the lands you seek are gone
you flooded them long ago

there are things to do
and promises to keep
there's still a life to live
to breathe and carry on

you could sit here all day
and cry yourself to death
but if it would have done good
i'd have let it come

unclench those locked fists
you aren't going to die
there's more to you than you know
more than you'd admit

nothing's more important to you
but this 'i' you hold dear
and if nothing else's left
this 'i' you should endear

You brought this on yourself
and it's high time you left it there
Lie here and rest your head
and dream of something else instead

-------------------------------------

lifted from 'slide' by dido.

रात की कहानी, अँधेरे की जुबानी

जागें हैं देर तक
कुछ देर सोने दो
थोड़ी सी रात और है
सुबह तो होने दो

आधे अधूरे ख्वाब जो
पूरे ना हो सके
एक बार फिर से नींद में
वो ख्वाब बोने दो

रात के अँधेरे में
छुपा लो मुझे
ले फिर मुझे बाहों में
थोडा सुकून तो दो

सपने भी शायद
आपके साथ चलें
चांदनी जलाती है
गेसुओं की छाँव तो दो

कल सुबह फिर शायद
साथ भी न हो सके
उन्ग्लिओं की इस छुअन को
कहीं छुपा लेने दो

कल की कुछ खबर नहीं
बस आज यहीं जी लेने दो

------------------------------

lifted from the song 'jaage hain' from guru.

promise

you were afraid that you would disappear
that you would be lost and forgotten
i held you tight against the dark and
said that i would always come for you

i will never let you out of my sight
i'll care for you and protect you
from all that you fear and hate
i will never let you shed a tear

when i held your hand and we walked
along the sea into the night
i wished to tell you everything
how i loved you so very much

but there was nothing i could say
not while you smiled the way you do
and your eyes sparkled like that
and i saw myself in your eyes

i am holding you close today
even when you are so far away
i promised i'd never leave you
and i never gonna am

------------------------------------

inspired by this .

C

this one is about C - my best friend. i wonder why i've never blogged about her. maybe it's the fear that i won't be able to do justice to all that she is and to all that she means to me.

it's not even a year since i first talked to her. but i knew she was someone special the very first time i talked to her. (i still keep telling her that she must be my long-lost sis from some previous birth). there have been so many coincidences that i've stopped counting them. we think similarly, act accordingly and in general have the same feelings about a given situation. and yet, she couldn't be more different from me.

she's the person who knows the most about me. in many cases, she doesn't need to coz she just has to think of how she might have felt and she knows how i'm feeling. conversation becomes predictive then and we exchange much more than the usual in every interaction.

probably only the second person who understands me - or to put it in another way, only the second person whom i've allowed to understand me. but as i've already mentioned, she didn't have to labor much. it came naturally to her coz she's my alter ego. she's naween v 1.0. i don't want to describe her in terms of myself but then i don't want to call myself C v 1.1 coz i would never want her to become the me i am. never.

she has helped me in ways only she can. countered my stupidity with some of her own - mixed with sanity, of course. she's scolded me, cajoled me, threatened me and cared for me.

never - as far as i remember - i've connected to someone in this way in so short a time. it's something special. and that's what frightens me.

C , this is all nonsense. i can never write about you to my satisfaction. it's something like those discussions we have - all words and little sense. at least not the sense we want it to be. a big thank you for being everything that you are.

will try some other day. when i'm saner.

बंजर

बंजर रेतों में घुलते कुछ साए
धंसते पैर, ग़ायब होते कुछ सपने
हाथों से फिसलते रेत के महल
अधूरे, अधपके ख्यालों का सूनापन

कल के निशां तो कहीँ खो गए हैं
कहॉ से चले थे, कहॉ हैं
परछाईं बस साथ है अब
बिन्धती है वो भी पैरों तले

जलती हवाओं में गूंजती हैं
कुछ कल की खोयी कहानियाँ
हाथों से गढी थी जो कभी
उन आकृतियों की निशानियाँ

बंजर है, सब बंजर है

hee hee!!

was going through aquitaine v 1.0 and came across this post containing a chat i once had with this peculiar [:)] guy called sunny. and i thought it was an apt continuation of my earlier post [:D]. so here it is. (btw, sunny somani, wherever you are, i hope you read this and enjoy it one more time :D)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

naween : arre tum jaise log to hain na constructive karne ke liye..

Sunny : i dont see where the correlation between mujh jaise log and tum jaise log comes

naween : to balance the equations and to preserve the fundamental anomaly i hv to keep up my destructive tendencies..

naween : the architect

Sunny : crap

naween : i may b modest...

naween : but nobody evr lost his modesty by claiming credit whr it's due

Sunny : f***in ppl call themselves modest when there is sumthing they can brag abt

Sunny : heaven knows what the f*** u wanna brag abt

naween : yup...rite u r

naween : mere paas hai hi kya

Sunny : wohi to..

Sunny : ek cheez bata

naween : mera jeevan kora kaghaz kora hi rah gaya

Sunny : woh bhi hai kya??

naween : jo likha thaa aansuon ke sang bah gaya

naween : sob sob...

Sunny : ram jaane kya likha hoga us paper pe..

Sunny : achcha hua jo beh gaya

Sunny : saahitya aise hi bahut pradushit hai..

naween : abbe tu bhi mere bakwaas comments ko store kar ke rakh...aur kabhi grp mein mail karna..

naween : issi bahane i'll get some publicity

Sunny : u f***in think i have no better job than to store UR comments...

Sunny : and then f***in send a mail to this f***in grp

naween : yup..i f***ing think so..

Sunny : who the f*** do i care abt in this grp..

naween : urself..??

Sunny : and whats so f***in special abt ur f***in comments..

naween : u get it...f***

Sunny : saala ulta seedha jo tum bol diya usko sun ke hi khush ho jaata hai..

naween : on reading thm..u just wish to f*** the person who uttered thm..

Sunny : bloody comments...

Sunny : i tell u...u have at least one quality common with the dementors in hogwarts...

naween : n tht is??

Sunny : u have a perfect capability to suck out the happiness frm a person

naween : yup..baby.... i do..

Sunny : frm a achcha khasa chalta firta person

naween : n did u hv ur happiness sucked out..??

Sunny : o f***in...dont bother...

naween : if i'm f***in...why wud i bother

Sunny : ha ha ha...did u laugh at ur own pj??

Sunny : b******* koi aur aisa pj maara hota to wahin pe shuru ho jaata tum

naween : arre tht's the point naa..

Sunny : but its fine if naween is doin it

Sunny : he is beyond reproach..

naween : i never stop neone frm doing so at my pjs..

Sunny : he can do anyting...say anyting..

naween : but i dunno why ppl don't do so..

Sunny : thats the f***in difference my man..

Sunny : ppl arent that interested in making others feel bad

naween : but u see the whole purpose of me coming into this world was to make othrs feel bad...

Sunny : u think so....

Sunny : i bet there are tons of others who dont think so..

naween : rite frm my enemies to all those who think thmselves close to me..

Sunny : unfortunately they probably just think so out of hope rather than reality

naween : i seriosly m mad..

naween : did i tell u..??

Sunny : why do u bother if u told me...

Sunny : i dont know what significance tellin me anything has to

naween : no no...this one is necessary ...

naween : at least thn u will keep ur distance..

Sunny : no no no...nothing at all is necessary

Sunny : oh brother...hear hear

naween : u know a danger sign...this boy is f***ing mad..

naween : i think i'll carry one frm next sem..

naween : ritten on my t-shirt...i m f***ing mad..

Sunny : dont...u might just increase the number of accidents around golc

naween : neone coming near me shud do so at his or her own risk..

Sunny : ppl running away frm u might miss the danger frm sumthing else

naween : hone do..i m here for destruction..

Sunny : whatever

Sunny : bahut herogiri ki baat hai...

Sunny : "i am here for destruction"

Sunny : superhero status milega tumko iske liye

naween : yup...why in the f***ing hell shud i care for othrs...

Sunny : precisely...

naween : or for tht matter why shud neone care for me..

Sunny : i shud learn this frm u....tryin

Sunny : if not wrt others...at least wrt u

naween : yup..u shud..

Sunny : its the best attitude...catch the bull by its horns

naween : hence the need for tht warning sign..

Sunny : why wud u want to warn ppl i wonder..

Sunny : its kinds helping them

naween : it's not helping...

naween : u see..

naween : i m so confident..tht i will cause destruction..tht i want to show this confidence..

naween : even if i give a warning thr wud still b destruction

naween : haan yaar...at some deep level...i do hate ppl..

Sunny : "yaar"...excuse me

Sunny : deep level....how superficial a depth

naween : yaar is a way of addressing...in no way a form of endearment..

Sunny : change it ass****....by general norms its taken otherwise..

Sunny : u might f***in endear urself to ppl innocuously

naween : rite u r...

Sunny : always am

naween : i really do hate ppl...i don't like socialising..i hate crowds...i don't want frnds...and on and on and on..

Sunny : do go on and on...

Sunny : at least today let me get the full scale of misanthropy u have

naween : someday i'll kill someone i really hate n commit suicide..

Sunny : u threatening me??

naween : no no...u r not at the top of my hate list..

Sunny : nice to know i am on that list

naween : u r..did i say u r not..

naween : i just said u r not at the top

Sunny : never said i am

naween : really i oughta try ...wht it feels like to kill someone

naween : to kill someone...with him or her cryin out n writhin in pain..

Sunny : what r u tryin to prove??

naween : it will hv to b someone who thinks himself/herself close to me so tht he/she may hv an emotional shock too..

naween : nothing..

naween : why shud i try to prv nething to u..??

Sunny : then why the f*** r u telling me all these deep desires of urs

naween : aise hi...coz u r listening..

Sunny : maarna hai to maar na..

Sunny : bata kyon raha hai...

naween : not now...

Sunny : so that u have sum1 to testify against u if it comes to

naween : whn i realise i hv had enuf..

naween : wht gud will neone testifying against me do..

Sunny : make sure that the world has had enuf of u

naween : i will kill myself too..

Sunny : u mean u havent had enuf??

Sunny : what more do u want

naween : nopes..not yet...

Sunny : make a few more lives hell?

naween : as many as i can....

Sunny : u r gonna be pretty successful in ur chosen career path

Sunny : pretty rare for a person to succed in a thing he is so deeply passionate abt

naween : n wht might this b all abt..??

Sunny : this??

Sunny : this career path??? misanthropy its called

naween : okkie..

naween : u see i hv a philosophy...it may not b true..

Sunny : i bet its not true

Sunny : sure as heavens its not true

naween : the amount of happiness and the amount of misery in this world are both constants and the sum is a constant too..

Sunny : crap

naween : so the more i increase the misery of othrs..

naween : the more r the chances of me getting happy..

Sunny : u happy??

naween : not enuf yet...

naween : some more misery is needed in othr's lives..

Sunny :way to go dude...u r bang on

naween : someday in some f***in job interview if they ask me my life's philosophy..i'll tell thm this..

naween : n they will choose me promptly...

Sunny : sumday i believe ppl will realise u have to be prevented frm taking any interview

Sunny : it wont be an interview...just ur view

naween : does nething else matter..??

Sunny : to me.....f***in hell no

Sunny : to u...i havent any idea...

Sunny : and whats more..

Sunny : i dont care

naween : dude ..u sure r goin on the rite path..

naween : mayb...my path

Sunny : rite u r ...for a change...

naween : tht's why i say...stay away..

Sunny : wrt u...in am on the right path..

naween : relative motion?

Sunny : no dont worry...u havent changed my entire outlook...

naween : i sure hv not..

naween : but give me time ...n i may just succeed..

Sunny : u think??

Sunny : dont

Sunny : doesnt quite go with ur image

naween : i didn't say i will certainly succeed..i just said...i may just..

Sunny : yeah....now i see the light...f***in 2.5 years in the same dep...same hall...

Sunny : hell knows where else...

Sunny : life has an uncanny habit of gettin ppl tpgether when they dont want

naween : do u think u really hv been "togethr" with me..??

naween : no u hv not...

Sunny : same classroom for 1.5 years...

Sunny : i bet thats called physically together...

Sunny : 1.1 mb of f***in chat...

naween : tht doesn't matter a bit..

Sunny : i bet thats called talkin together...

naween : tht too doesn't matter..

Sunny : or whatever..

Sunny : crap....

naween : evry word i utter ..evry sentence i say..

Sunny : has some ulterior motive isnt it

Sunny : is all precalculated...

naween : is all the random output of wht crap my brain may b thinkin at tht moment...

Sunny : ohhh...not the scheming genius is it

naween : n in some way ..yes ..is precalculated..

Sunny : there we go...

Sunny : f***ers do exist who have the imbecility to be possessed by things u say

naween : all my life i hv been busy puttin up a front...n whn i die...i may rest assured tht no one really knows me...

Sunny : i'll tell u sumthnin else...

naween : go ahead

Sunny : by the time u f***in die...u may rest assured no one will want to know u

naween : tht may well b the case..

Sunny : well be the case...correction..that will be the case

naween : okkie

naween : but considr this too...

naween : if i hate othrs so much...

naween : n if i decide to luv someone...

naween : how deep tht love wil be

naween : u know all the love i deprive othrs of...will go to tht special person..

Sunny : yeah i can well imagine...

naween : but i don't think i will...

Sunny : may heaven save that one person who is gonna be the worst sufferer at the ur hands

naween : amen

naween : may ur wish b granted....

naween : okkie thn....bbye...

Sunny : thanx mr naween ...i havent ever been so aggravated and never been this bull minded in years...

Sunny : u changed a lot...

Sunny : thanx for this too

naween : i m grt naa??

Sunny : never leave narcissism do u??

Sunny : bask in it...

naween : yup i do..

Sunny : its one hope u have

naween : abbe thn who will b thr to aggravate u..

Sunny : even u at ur sweetest in more than enuf

Sunny : dont underestimate urself

naween : i never do..

Sunny : f***in narcissist

Sunny : crap

Sunny : kaata

naween : okkie

naween : bbye

psycho mapping

there was this brain mapping session we had in our preparatory course when we came to the institute. i was reminded of this today by a friend and it struck me that i hadn't blogged about it at that time [:)]! so here it is...

the instructor was showing us slides and asking us about the ideas that we thought of. it went well till she started showing us oranges.

the word orange written in different sized boxes
junta: variety, unifying idea, blah blah...
me: claustrophobia
instructor: claustrophobia?
me: yes ma'm, look how the word is stuck in that little box...

some oranges in a blue basket
junta: unity, cohesion, friendship, similarity, yak yak...
me: unnecessary categorization and classification
instructor: how?
me: the individual orange might not have wanted to be part of this group. also the blue basket might signify its depression at being so unwillingly clubbed with a bunch.

a cut orange with slices by the side
junta: health, rejuvenation, vigor blah blah...
me: blood and slaughter

by now the instructor had realized my bent of mind and she said to the class in general - the aim of this session is to encourage flow of positive ideas...

i took the cue and shut up after that [:D]!!

me vs myself

often i turn inwards
searching for meaning
but the walls i created
to keep the world out
don't let me see through
i'm stopping myself
from comforting myself
i want to suffer
in solitude with myself
and when i realize this
the walls break down
in a flood of tears
i'm one with myself
but through the tears
i see a happy me
with a sweet smile
waiting for me
to cry my heart out
to cry my hurt out
but the tears tell me
no one can hurt me
more than myself
no one can hurt me
if i don't myself
the meaning i search
isn't so hidden
there's no hurt
if i don't feel it
tears are selfish
i'm not so important
that i get the right
to hurt myself
chasing stupid dreams
will hurt you
i'll hug myself
and stop dreaming
and the walls that were
won't be necessary
i'm the earth
heavy with myself

=========================

written in a OB class. it was a class on communication and the word 'meaning' got me going.

resolution

the walls that these palms caress today
will be brought down tomorrow
blasted to smithereens with blows
with a force hitherto unknown

the face in the mirror isn't mine
and it won't stay there long
the mirror won't stay either
i know what i am
don't need any confirmation

this tomorrow isn't gonna take
forever to come

probably

there's a quantitative techniques course here that's known to strike fear in every student - even people with engineering background. deals mostly with probability and decision theory. and the prof has a tendency to formulate every problem in terms of urns and balls - a formulation which gets confusing as the number of possible variations increase.

whatever. we had a test of this subject on thursday. three problems and one and a half hours. it's as if the prof dares you to solve the sums! i walked out in half an hour. now, this got interpreted in various ways. most people assumed that i'd solved all the problems - and done so accurately and correctly. given my maths background [**sad nod of head **], they came to the conclusion that it must have been a cakewalk for me and that i walked out in so short a time just to make others feel worse.

my depmates of my earlier college will attest to my mathematical prowess [:P] - especially the way we crammed and mugged the night before the exams. it's a tale punctuated with C's and D's. i had three courses on probability - basic probability and statistics, queuing theory and decision theory - and i scored a D in all three of them [:D]!!

why then did i walk out after just one-third of the allotted time? yes, i attempted all three. i just went with the first approach that struck me. and knowing myself, i was aware of the fact that nothing new is going to come to me even if i sit there for three hours. so i didn't see any good in bruising my bum and i decided to exit.

the marks are yet to come. i hope my score dispels some of the wrong perceptions that people have about me [:)]!

and just to reiterate - i hate probability.

miss R

this post is about miss R. i could always have named her but i want to be able to deny everything at a later date [:P]!! and anyways, those who know her would be able to identify her with reasonable accuracy even from the vague references that i would be providing.
why am i writing about her ? she isn't my best friend, though she's better than most [:P]. she isn't dead so that this could be an obit. nor is it her b'day or something like that. it's just that she's going away to US of A - the grand daddy of the the world. with her violent tendencies (with karate training and all that), i'm sure she'll flourish in that hellhole. i'm afraid she's gonna change (not just coz of the US education [;)]), so it makes sense to create this system restore point.

my first memory of her has her smiling her toothy grin - some incident in the first class of second year. and before that, i hadn't seen this girl even once in the first year. come to think of it, i didn't speak to her more than a few words in the second year too. for that matter, i don't think i have talked much to her during our entire friendship.

don't remember how but we started chatting on yahoo, sometime at the end of second year. while her slow typing speed, combined with her 'popularity' - which forced her to indulge in 'chat-window-management' - was always a bottleneck in this process, we hit it off fabulously. our chat archives reached megabyte proportions and i got signs of RSI.

and of course, i was 'linked' to her - with a certain 'BRIGHT' individual trying all he could to set us up. thankfully though, neither of us was interested [:D]!!

i could babble at length about how talented she is - fine arts, scholastic achievements, karate and all that. but i won't. coz none of this mattered even the smallest bit to me [:P]! she's someone i could talk (chat) with any time of the day on any random topic under the sun. and that was all that was important [:)]!

she's childish and childlike - can't explain how. i call her bewkoof coz that's what she appears to be most of the time but then, time and again, she'll come up with something which makes me wonder if it's the same girl. there's a peculiar cute gesture she makes with her hands when she talks - it's something like when a child tells you, 'mere ko kya pata' and turns her palms outwards at a slant. and when she combines this gesture with her stupid smile, you feel like giving her a dhaap on the head [:P]!!

she'd probably rank third on the list of people who know a bit about me. and though she's far far behind the top two, i think she has a fair idea - something that very few people have. [:)]

i could tell you how focused she was in classes - but you won't get the picture. you have to see it to know it [:P]! i got my kicks disturbing her [:D]!! she'd turn with a pathetic, pleading look and mouthing the words - padhne do naa !! [:P]!! i'd give her missed calls and she'd almost jump out of her chair as if woken up from a reverie and then give me dirty looks [:D]!!

hmmm.. what else - lemme see! has an elephantine gait - not your dainty gal our miss R is [:P]!! has an ugly mop of hair - which i desperately hope US does something about. goes by the nicknames of auntyji and motii - none of which i use, btw. fond of food [;)]!

adieu, miss R! in all probability, our paths won't cross again (i can see you making a face here). but it was fun knowing you!

flawed

i am not a perfect person
there's many things i wish i didn't do

hurt you i did and how
but never never without giving myself
a hundred times the same
there isn't a tear that you cried
and i didn't cry with you

there are a thousand reasons you gave
why we couldn't walk together
and yet i knew each one of them
but i could never shout out
it wasn't me, none of them
you left me here waiting in vain
for you to find me
hating myself for those thousand reasons

i wonder if i could ever tell you
how it feels everyday, every moment
to be undeserving of the one person
i so much want to love
of the one person in this whole world
i want to reach out to

and so i have to say before i go
no one will ever love you so
i will never love anyone so

==============================

partially lifted from 'the reason' - hoobastank.

metamorphosis

it's been a long long day
trudging along a weary path
avoiding those beautiful eyes
staying away from a shadow
plunging into darker recesses
running away from something
escaping into a forsaken place
that i call my mind

home and hearth and loneliness
beckon me as the sun sets
is it my red-sore eyes
or is the sky really painted
with blood all over?

dust flies around me
as those clouds of doubt
envelop me with a vengeance
i hide behind a veil
of indifference and cynicism
and kill a part of myself
that i called the dreamer

these are the days
when the dreamer that once was
becomes the drifter
unfeeling and unseeing
alone and vagrant
searching for a refuge
trying to escape
from himself

adieu

goodbye my lover
goodbye my friend
you've been the one
you've been the one for me

this is where it all ends
here we part
forever is no longer the word
never, never, never
is all i can hear

we walked together
for just a little while
your hand in mine
and i was loved
and pampered, and cared for

but you must go
i can understand why
there's simply no way
you could have stayed
here with me

and so, thank you darling
for everything you gave me
everything you did
and everything you said
thank you for all the memories
thank you for reaching out
to touch my heart

i wish you get
all the love in the world
with me/without me/despite me

goodbye my lover,
goodbye my friend
you've been the one
you'll be the one for me
forever.

========================

the first stanza is from 'goodbye my lover' - james blunt.

दिन की कहानी

जल- जल के सूरज
ढूंढें इक बादल की छांव
जलता है कि तारों को देखे
मरता है सपनों के लिए

बुद्धू है बेचारा
जग कर फिर मरता है
पर सपने तो ऐसे ही होते हैं
टुकड़ों में भी अच्छे होते हैं

हर सपना संजोती आंखें
रोती हैं, पर पथराती नहीं
दूर किसी तारे की चमक
आंखों से जाती नहीं

lullaby

insomnia. sleep sleep sleep. deep slumber. of a different kind. of the waking kind. no senses. no feeling. walking dead. dull ache somewhere. dully aware of it. fleeting visions. waking dreams. the dead don't dream. dreams don't live. state of oblivion. dreams dying a dusty death. air reeking of death. but the legs move on. unmindful of the pungent odor. legs can't smell. arms akimbo. resignation. or silent desperation ? glazed eyes. unseeing eyes. eyes seeing different things. eyes seeing things differently. avoiding the dreams. don't step on the mines. beware. crying? who knows ? the furrows can't get wider. and there can't be more water. tears aren't necessary, you know. weeping eyes. insomnia. a world of its own. a wonderful world. a painful world. traipse through with care. don't want to end up awake.

graphic detail

i hate it when all those vague subjects use graphs to depict whatever they want to. there's no scale, no funda - just two arbit axes with (usually) a straight line betwen them. there's a graph for every godforsaken concept. i mean, where do you get graphs from, in subjects like organizational behavior and personnel management?

huh!!

Maa Kasammmm

finally, finally. i watched aap ka surror - the movieee. and my jaw is stuck in a HAAAW position!

teri naak kat gayi to tu gayega kaise?

apko to koi topi nahi pahna sakta kyunki ap to hamesha hi topi pahne rahte hain.

i'm the most luckiest girl in this world.

cleavage baring tees - and HR wearing them

pata nahi apko log itna arrogant kyon samjhte hain?

HAAAW!! HAAAW!

no expressions, perpetual 'chehre par baarah baja hua' look, cap on. maa kasaammm. no story, mindless dialogs, insane acting.

and it's a HIT!! god save bollywood!!

good manners

appropriate behavior
was never my savior
i stood alone
and saw the world
through a glass wall
waiting for someone
to cross to my side
and be my savior
take me as i am
and my behavior

=============================

partially lifted from 'carnival of rust' - poets of the fall...