wide-eyed

अजनबी आंखों में
कोई अपना सा दिखा था
मेरे सपनों का शहर
कहीं और भी दिखा था

घूरती आंखों की भीड़ में
कुछ अपनापन मिला था
कुछ जाना पहचाना सा
रेगिस्तान में ठिकाना मिला था

पर कुछ कह पाती मेरी आँखें
इस से पहले वो आँखें मुड़ गईं
मैंने तो सुनहरा सफर देखा
पर राहें कहीं और मुड़ गईं

कुछ देर ठहरा रहा मैं वहीँ
मन में कुछ सोचता रहा
घूरती आंखों की भीड़ में
वो प्यारी आँखें खोजता रहा

फ़िर एक भूली बिसरी याद
कुछ कंपा कर चली गई
जिनसे मिला था अभी मैं
वो आँखें देखीं थी मैंने पहले भी

पर इस अजनबी भीड़ में
अब वो भी अजनबी ही हैं
भीड़ वाली आंखों की तरह
वो भी बस घूरती ही हैं

तुम्हारी आंखों में कभी
मैंने ख़ुद को देखा था
जोड़ कुछ कच्चे धागे सोचा
अब अजनबी नही रहे
तुम से ख़ुद के मायने
ढूंढता मैं रह गया यहीं
अब जो तुम यहाँ नही
मैं भी मैं नही
----------------

inspired by this poem [which is much better than this one]. and the title song of socha na tha. photo by basu. i had named it 'look in my eyes'. hence its appearance in this post. ]

wanton wants

the lovely walk. and the desire to run.
the reassuring earth. and the desire for the blue sky.
the lovely embrace. and the desire to break free.
the freedom of solitude. and the desire for love.
the suffocation. and the desire for some air.
the empty arms. and the desire for something for the void.
the happiness around. and the desire to shed a tear.
the tears within. and the desire to paste a smile.
the words. and the desire for some meaning.
the truth. and the desire that it didn't mean that.
the baggage. and the desire it was lighter.
the journey ahead. and the desire that nothing was left behind.
the memories. and the desire for a clean slate.
the forgotten flashes. and the desire to hold on.
the black and white. and the desire for color.
the tired eyes. and the desire for a plainer world.

wings. and the burden on the shoulders.
wings. and the desire to fly.

I. and I.

[added after rohit's comment: the photo i ripped from some random blog i reached through some other random blog. and i forgot which one. a google image search with the file name gives five results. and i still don't remember which one it was :P]

reasons?

i'm crying.
for things i can't say.
for all the things i said.
for people i won't meet.
for people that never were.
for fleeting moments.
for moments that don't go away.
for dreams that became the stars.
for the stars i'll see alone.
for sand castles that lie broken.
for the quicksand that holds me.
for empty outstretched arms.
for loving embraces.

for the butterfly that flew away.

dream on!

and every time
i grow weary of
the winds beating my face
i look at my candle
and see how it's fighting
the winds with me
and i can open my eyes
to the strongest gales

and every time
i'm lost in the forest
stuck in a thorny embrace
bleeding and bleeding
i can see my butterfly
fluttering around me
and i can break free
to walk the stones again

and every time
the black-bricked walls and
the darkness in my heart
start drowning me
i peep out of
my white window
and i can see
my hope fairy flying by

[photo by Basu]

the 'hope fairy' is from pandora's tale. i have mentioned her previously too. here and here.

come, sit :)

आओ बैठें ज़रा
बावरे होने का फ़र्ज़
अदा कर दें
जलते सूरज को
प्यारी बातों से हंसा
चाँद को जला दें

आओ बैठें ज़रा
कि पार्क की ये बेंच
बड़ी अकेली लग रही है
इसकी बातें सुन
कल फिर आने का
वादा कर लें

आओ बैठें ज़रा
बहुत दूर जाना है
थोडा सुस्ता लें
माना इंतज़ार कर रही
पर रास्ते को भी
थोडा चिढा दें

आओ बैठें ज़रा
तितलियों के पंखों की
आवाजें सुन लें
जाने कब से
ये हमारी वाली तितली
कुछ कहना चाह रही है

आओ बैठें ज़रा
गोल घूमती दुनिया के
गोल घूमते लोगों से
थोडा दूर जा कर
अपनी अलग दुनिया बसा
उसमें गोल घूमें

आओ बैठें ज़रा
कि चलते हैं हम तो
तेरी आँखें नहीं दिखतीं
बड़ा जतन कर
तुम्हे हंसाता हूँ तो
हंसी नहीं दिखती

[photo by Basu]

[inspired by various sources: this xkcd comic; two and a half men season 6, episode 15; some 'jhoom barabar jhoom' songs'; and various others :P]

the water cycle

every day i wake up
and say to myself
i wouldn't think of you

then things happen
and even though i don't want
i remember

i talk to you
and tell you everything
all in my mind

i have you around me
all the shiny stars
in my small starry sky

and before i know it
i'm thinking of you
all through the day

every day i got to bed
crying to myself
thinking of you

supply-demand gap

i wonder why
the shooting stars
never dry up
every time i think
i'm done with dreaming
there's a shooting star
burning through the sky
asking for a wish

i once thought
i'd had too many already
and i wouldn't wish
upon the shooting star
but then it hung right there
stuck in the sky
helpless, puppy-eyed
looking at me
and i had to

so i became the wanderer
running away
from wish-hungry stars
i know it's foolish
trying to run away
from the sky above
but i have to

each wish is a candle
i have to keep lit
and protect from
all the winds and rains
and even though
i have a stupid heart
to wish on every star
but for all those candles
i only have two hands

[image by Crazy]

miscommunication

उसे घेर बैठे
तकते रहे रात भर
सुबह मुंह लटकाए
चले गए अपने घर
चाँद ने सोचा उन्हे
कहने की ज़रूरत नही
तारे सोचते रहे उसने
कुछ कहा क्यों नही

-------------

अनकही बातों का
सूनापन लादे
चलने का दर्द
सहा नही जाता
कहते हैं
कह देने से
ना कह पाने का
गम नही सताता

-----

unsaid

so, what's your story?

why do you think i should have a story?

so you're saying you don't have one?

i didn't say that!

that means you have one!

i didn't say that either!!

ha ha! i caught you there, didn't i?

but seriously, why do you think i have a story?

there's a faraway look in your eyes. like you're searching for someone else in me.

really, is it that evident?

i wouldn't have known otherwise, would i?

what if there is no story and i'm still searching for someone else?

you would have told me then, i think. among all the nonsense we've talked about.

so you mean to say i'm hiding something?

not hiding exactly. it's just a story that's stuck with you and refuses to go away.

hmm...

so are you going to tell me?

some other day, maybe.

you know, you don't need to.

thank you for that.

the news today

-aamir khan says idiot is not the same as stupid. i wonder where he gets his english word meanings from.

-two mass shootings in america in two days. osama bin laden (if he's alive) must be thinking he's better off having roasted camel in some cave in afghanistan. the americans will kill themselves.

-cricinfo came out with a list of highest scores by batsmen in matches that their teams eventually lost. guess what, sachin figures the most number of times (along with gayle). what does this tell you? that india is a one-man team? or that he's not a good finisher? the appearance of statistics, like a gun, depends on which end you are looking at.

- here's another statistic. sachin has scored nearly double the runs of the player comes second when you tally the runs scored by indian players in matches india lost eventually.( i selected all matches where tendulkar played). but then his average in matches india lost is only 33.11, much lower than his career average of 44.59.

- the saga of mr. madhu koda, the former CM of jharkhand is getting bigger and bigger by the day. the people of jharkhand are proud that they now have a son of the soil who's made a name for the state by being the mastermind of probably the biggest scam in the history of this country.

- china is auctioning condoms that were meant to be sold at the olympics. now this would undoubtedly be a marathon event.

- and, looks like, someone's pockets really got warmed up by all this talk of global warming. al gore is set to become a 'carbon billionaire'. though i must also mention that he's denied this allegation.

- aaj ke samachar samapt hue.

PS: i'm thinking of starting a blog where i'll post interesting links i trawl through in a day. let's see where this goes.

things that go bump in the night

he felt a dull pain in the pit of his stomach. as if he'd been kicked hard in the solar plexus. the thing he had dreaded the most all these days had happened after all. there she was, someone he'd thought he'd never see again. had actually prayed this shouldn't happen. and what was she doing in this city, of all places? she had no reason to visit this city, as far as he knew. but then, it had been so many years - 3 years 5 months 12 days to be exact - and he didn't know much about her anyway.

but the reasoning and recap could be dealt with later. there was an immediate problem at hand. he had no idea what his expression was like at that particular instant: surprise, teary remembrance, feigned smile..? he was afraid all this must have summed up into one big constipated demeanor. hell, she was walking toward him. why couldn't she have simply turned and walked away? or why hadn't he run away the moment their eyes met?

there was no escape possible now. what was he going to say?? there were actually so many things to say but he'd vowed to himself he would never say them to her. so should he just say 'hi'? an intimate past reduced to a 'hi'? a life of loving her (at least this was what it had seemed to him then) and a 'hi'?

hi

there it was again.. the kick to his stomach..

hi!! it's been so long since i last saw you!

3 years, 5 months, 12 days since the day you went away..

oh yes, i moved out of the city. job change and all, you know. earning a living is tough these days.. so what are you up to these days?

please don't answer that. please please. i don't want to know anything about your life any more. makes me realise i'm not a part of it. and won't ever be..

just the same. sticking to the old job.. but thinking of shifting.. am here to give an interview..

and there it was! the reason why he didn't want the answer. what should he do now? pray that she gets the job now and he might have a chance of running into her at some corner another day. or pray she stays away so he doesn't throw himself into the same circles again?

oh! super! so have you given it or is it scheduled later?

arre i gave it yesterday. actually it went quite okay. i think i'll get the job.

fuck!!

congratulations!!!

don't ask the company. don't ask the company.

so which lucky company is it?

haha! i don't know if they are lucky or not. it's the same company you work in.

that smile again! how hard he had tried to forget it. and the accompanying crinkling at the edges of her eyes. but wait a sec! what did she say just now?

i'm sorry i didn't get you..

oh ho! i got a job in your office!

you mean this one!

he felt like an idiot actually pointing to the building he had just come out of. on second thought, he now had the reason why she was here. and he wasn't feeling good about the whole thing.

yes sir, THIS one!

oh!

why, is that a problem for you?

no, no, i mean...

yes, it is. how will i live with seeing you everyday and knowing that i can't love you? or remember everyday the day you left me. or go through the reasons you gave for leaving me. how will i now close the cupboard of memories i had somehow managed to lock shut. memories and all my dreams.

see, i know it's awkward. but you should also realise that we weren't meant to be together. i'm really sorry.

DON'T SAY THAT!

say what?

that you're sorry!

why so?

it's a convoluted reason. you wouldn't understand. anyway, congratulations once again. see you in office soon. bbye.

don't say sorry coz you can't be sorry for leaving me. or else you would have come back. no, you are sorry for starting it in the first place. for loving me ever. and i can't take that sorry. coz that's a love i hold dear still. even though i'll never tell you now. and suddenly, that project in the other city seems inviting... but for now, just run and don't look back...

why one shouldn't browse the internet while in office

it started with two seemingly innocuous stories on bbc.co.uk. number 1 and number 2 . both dealt with records created by making food of huge proportions. so those items were then searched on wiki. and meatball and tiramisu lead to cheesecakes and creampuffs and ostkaka and fatost and white and dark chocolate and mascarpone and boston cream pie and sachertorte and Prinzregententorte and so on. and then i reached the cheesecake factory. and happened to go through their menu.

and all this made me feel H.U.N.G.R.Y.!!!!

(long) short story

see, please don't take this the wrong way. but i've grown rather fond of our conversations. there's this connection i've made with you that just hasn't happened ever before. time just flies by when i'm with you. you've come to mean much more than just a friend to me. i feel something missing the day i don't talk to you. and i try desperately not to have any such days. you might have noticed my stupid attempts to start a conversation or the insane reasons i give for calling you up. and there's also the bombardment of SMSs. you see, there's this desire to be in constant touch with you, to tell you things as soon as they happen, to make you the first one i share it with. i never thought i would feel like this with anyone but here i am, going through this whirlwind of emotions.

149 words and you still can't say 'i love you'.

you were counting?

yes, i was.

so what do you say?

i sat through 149 stupid words and am still sitting here. you still need an answer?

oh.

spinning stories

blurred images speed past
as if i'm on a train

i hold you once again
and turn round and round
smiles meet grins
as we shout out in glee
i realise i love you
with everything i have

teary visions clear up
and baggy eyes light up

we sit there on the porch
looking at the stars up above
wishing upon each one
something for one another
i hold your hand
and my world's complete

the dark of the night
gives way to some light

we talk and talk
and empty our hearts out
and as you lay your head
gently on my shoulder
you know i'll be there for you
forever and ever

i have my finger on rewind

pop goes my heart

me buying some ACT II popcorn. and this aunty asks me how it's cooked. and i explain to her how easy it is to "cook" this thing. and she buys a pack too.

but the important thing here is: someone asked me how to cook something!! :))

[the title is a song in the movie 'music and lyrics'. i'm listening to the soundtrack again. well, mostly 'don't write me off just yet' and 'way back into love']

alternate reality

खामोश आँखें कहें तुम्हे ढेरों बातें
and they plead you to listen
सहमा मन कहने से डरे पर
wishing you understand nevertheless
सिमटा सा किसी कोने पे खड़ा
i hope you recognise me
सोचूँ तुम आंखों की बातें पढ़ लो सारी
and say something of your own
पर जानूं मैं ऐसा होगा न कभी
all these words will remain unsaid
आंसू बन कर बह जायेंगे कभी
and i'll be standing here at this corner
जाने क्यों ये सब जान कर भी
i believe you'll understand
वो सब जो मैं कहना चाहूँ
without me saying anything at all

[didn't come out quite right. the idea was to write it in a way that the hindi and english make sense both ways - taken alone and taken together.]

फ़िर मिलेंगे :)

तारों की छलनी से
छन कर आती चांदनी की
उजली किरणों की आड़ में
तेरे चेहरे की चांदनी को तकते
एक वो रात गुजारी थी
हाथों में तेरा हाथ
मुट्ठी में तारों का एहसास
कुछ कहती पलकों की थिरकन
शैतान सी कौंधती माथे की शिकन

-----

हर रात तारों को तकते
उस रात को सोचते हैं हम
मुस्कराते हुए फ़िर मिलने की सोच
हाथों की लकीरों में
उस रात के तारों के निशाँ
खोजते रहते हैं हम

----------

वो देखो चाँद कह रहा है
तुम भी उधर अपनी हथेली
ऐसे ही देख रही हो
मेरी उँगलियों की लिखी कहानी में
कुछ अपने शब्द जोड़
मेरी तरह मुस्करा रही हो

-----

उस रात के तारे सारे
जाने फ़िर मिलें ना मिलें
पर जाने क्यों मुझे भरोसा है
अगली बार जब हम मिलेंगे
तुम्हारी आंखों में फ़िर वही
रौशनी की परछाईयाँ दिखेंगी

-----

जल्दी कोई मिलने का बहाना निकालो
कि अब दूरी का दर्द खलने लगा है
आज की रात फ़िर वही रात हो
ये सोच सूरज भी जल्दी ढलने लगा है

------

my computer oddities

-i have to have my taskbar on the right side of the screen. helps me see more icons in quick launch. and also more applications buttons.

-i can't use the trackpad of my laptop. (a)because my finger gets numb (b) because i keep touching it inadvertently while typing and (c) because it doesn't have a middle click. so i keep it switched off.

-i can't live without the middle click. browsing is a chore otherwise.

-i've had a mild RSI once. had to change to a left-handed mouse and stop touch-typing. what's even weirder, i got the same symptoms when my laptop crashed and was down for 2 weeks. withdrawal symptoms, i think.

-i've stopped trying out software. (a)because i no longer have access to kgp LAN (b) because i no longer feel like doing so. there was a time when i was installing/uninstalling something or the other every single day.

-making your searches open in a new window is a very handy thing to do. that ways when you want to search for something that you are reading on a page, you just select and drop it in the search box. and you don't lose the page you are reading. i keep doing that so often that i don't know what i'd do if firefox turned that feature off.

-i sort of hate traversing folders. so i use the run command quite frequently.

-i've stuck to jet audio for something like 4-5 years now. has good library management and good keyboard shortcuts. i don't need much more. ditto for avg. though i'm thinking of trying the microsoft one.

-freecell is my favorite game offline. kenken and loop-the-loop are the online ones. i suck at hand-eye coordination. hence no hi-fi action games.

-i haven't been able to learn to touch-type the numbers yet.

surprise!!

मेरे सारे बादल जाने क्यों
सूरज से जा मिले हैं
मैं कहता हूँ मुझसे बातें करो
वो कहते हैं कि लब सिले हैं

नारंगी शामों में जाने वो
क्या खिचडी पकाते रहते हैं
मैं कुछ बोलूँ तो
चुप रहने को कहते हैं

पर मुझे पता है
क्या साजिश हो रही है
कल बारिश के आने की
घड़ी हो रही है

वो सब मिल कर कल
मुझे बारिश से मिलवायेंगे
फ़िर हम सब मिल कर
भीग भीग गायेंगे

[photo by basu. taken somewhere near dharmasala]

gift of the magi

अब अन्दर के अँधेरे की खैर नहीं
मेरे पास अपना एक दीया है
कल रोती आँखों से आंसू पोंछ
मेरे तारे ने रौशनी का टुकडा दिया है

blogging trivia

=> 15-20 minutes is my time limit for each post. if a post takes longer than that, it's transferred to the vault. items in the vault are taken up much later, if at all.

=> i find it easier to write on pictures/photos.

=> there's a set of people (about 4) who get to read my posts before they appear on the blog.

=> this is my first blog and my fifth blog. [i started blogging here in 2004, then stopped. went on to two secret blogs and one public blog and finally returned here]

=> there's a marked difference between the earlier aquitaine and this one. someone who didn't know would think them to be entirely different people altogether.

=> sometimes i know what i have to write. but i can't find words to do justice to that idea. this leads to long hiatuses. almost all of them end up with stupid posts like this one.

=> i had toyed with the idea of a hindi blog once. but in those days, blogger didn't have transliteration and was a whole lot more buggy. that blog got stuck in some technical snag.

=> altogether, i have published more than a thousand posts.

=> there are many recurrent themes that run through my posts. people and places and things.

=> the 'aquitaine' of the title comes from a ludlum novel - the aquitaine progression - one of the worst he's ever written. but the 'aquitaine' there stood for chaos leading to a new order and i liked the idea.

=> in its earlier avatar, this blog didn't have my name featuring anywhere. and still, one year into blogging, a search for naween gave this blog as the first result. i don't know how.

=> some of the posts i write are intended for real people. yet the most obvious ones aren't.

=> the only reason i don't blog about people is because i have a complicated relationship with almost all the persons i'd have liked to blog about. that's a department where i haven't been blessed.

=> most of my posts are sort of lifted/inspired from various sources, mostly songs. i take care to record the inspiration too.

double entendre

seen on a Levi's showroom window:

CELEBRATE PUJA UNBUTTONED

!!

freeze!!!

चार लकीरों में बंद
तस्वीरों के लोग जाने
क्या सोचते रहते होंगे
एक पल में फँसी
उनकी ज़िन्दगी के दिन
जाने कैसे कटते होंगे

कभी बहुत खुश हो
मैंने सोचा था कहीं
रुक जाये समय अभी
पर जाने कैसा लगेगा
जब और कुछ महसूस
ना कर पाऊँगा कभी

एक मोती को पा
तस्वीरों के लोग
मगन बैठे रहते हैं
पर समय के सागर में
ऐसे कितने और मोती
बिखरे रहते हैं

मैंने सोचा है
अब तस्वीरों से
दूर रहा करूंगा
यादों के मरघट से
रुके-थामे पलों से
दूर चला करूंगा

क्योंकि दुःख वाले पल
याद रखने लायक
कभी होते नहीं हैं
और ख़ुशी का एक पल पा
बुद्धिमान इंसान कभी
सोते नहीं हैं

[photo by basu again. taken in dilli haat]

splash!

there was only so much
i could talk to my white walls
the same old boring stuff
white lies, white noise

then came a day i decided
enough was enough
true, i couldn't bring them down
but i'll bring in some color for sure

so there i stood, jumping around
splashing them with color
until the white gasped and died
a soppy, colorful death

and now i go about life
ensconced in my colorful walls
talking to them of a zillion things
thoughts of painting them again

the invisible walls of life
needn't stay barren and boring
the colors are always there, waiting
for you to start playing

[photo by basu. taken in ahmedabad.]

flashback

the place where i saw
your smile for the last time
the place where i let go
the hand i held so tight
the bend in the road

i don't know why
no matter where i go
no matter how fast i run
all my roads lead there
the bend in the road

then the sepia movie
plays all over again
and i wish once more
you hadn't gone away there
the bend in the road

here i stand now
being brought by fate
on my knees crying
hugging what's left of you here
the bend in the road

ज़िन्दगी के किसी रस्ते से
तुम इस मोड़ से गुजरो तो
ये कहेगा कि मैं यहाँ
बहुत देर रुका था
फ़िर ये सोच के चल दिया
कि कभी तुम इस मोड़ पे आओ
और मुझे यहाँ बैठा देख
रास्ते का रोड़ा ना पाओ

solar eclipse

there was this turmoil in his head. he just couldn't think clearly. so many feelings and counter-currents. why did she leave him? what mistake did he make? where? when?

this had been his routine everyday. walking the last kilometer to the office. sitting like a potato sack all day made him restless and he thought he'd give his legs some early morning work by doing so.

why did she say all those things she said? didn't he deserve a second chance? how can this be an unilateral decision?

the rag-picker kid found it strange that the bhaiya didn't even look at him today. that kid had been a part of this daily routine. they'd exchange smiles everyday. sometimes he'd bring him a chocolate or something. no words were ever spoken. the kid frowned to himself and ducked for cover as it started raining.

shit!! damn this rain!! he had again forgotten his umbrella. too much on his mind today. his first instinct was to run to the building nearby. but then he just felt rebellious. to hell with the rain!!

why was bhaiya getting drenched? he'd never been the type to do so. especially while going to office. it had always been crisp clean clothes he'd change everyday.

he found himself crying. straight-faced crying. like there was a disconnect between the thoughts and the tears.

bhaiya was walking so slowly! like a zombie! maybe there was something wrong! should he go and ask him? the kid ran from shelter to shelter, walking with him.

the sudden gust of wind almost woke him up from his reverie. the wet clothes and the rain combined to produce a shiver that chilled him to the spine. he realised that there was much more to his life than this useless moping.

he had stopped all of a sudden. frowning in concentration. the kid could see the hint of a smile forming at the edges of his lips.

he thought of the project at the office he had been so passionately involved in. why, he'd thought of something very innovative just yesterday! he couldn't wait to implement it!

yes, he was smiling. even though it was a reluctant smile. and there was this steely resolve conquering his face.

he looked up and saw the kid across the road. all these days he'd never talked to him. he thought he'd start today.

bhaiya smiled at him at last!! he was coming toward him..

and before the horrified kid's eyes, he stepped right into the path of an oncoming bus.

the class divide

the key for the success of a fraud is always in the details.
[consistency in spelling is another such detail.]

[btw, i didn't know the smiley for a kiss. had to do a web search :P]

who am i

i just discovered that a search on yahoo india for who am i gives my blog as the top result. you can see it here. feedjit showed that there have been people arriving on my blog following this result.

which is ironic in the sense that the title of this blog is a question the author keeps asking himself. and anyone who comes here isn't going to get even a sliver of an answer. also, i understand that some people search that phrase to get to essays etc on that topic. which again, they won't be getting here.

even more ironic is the fact that this post will maybe strengthen the position of that result further.

damn dan brown!!!

it doesn't always work. but worth a shot anyway.

wait a sec

दिन की चकाचौंध से
आँखें थक गई हैं
थोडी से शाम हो कभी
तो हम सुस्ता लें थोड़ा
..अल्पविराम..

बातों के जंगल में
थोड़े फूल सहेज लें
इस शोर के सागर से
यादों के मोती चुन लें
..अल्पविराम..

अपने रिश्तों को
ठहर कर देख सकें
गले लग किसी अपने के
खुशी के आंसू बहा लें
..अल्पविराम..

जाने किस किस काम से
गैरों से मिलते हैं रोजाना
कभी ठिठक कर थोड़ा
ख़ुद से भी मिल लें
..अल्पविराम..

late goodbye

he knew it was the last time he'd ever talk to her. it wasn't anything she'd said. but he simply couldn't continue it anymore.

i'm the hollow hand of memories.

there were too many of them. all the memories. some real, some imaginary. choking him every time he'd try talking to her.

i'm the tangy taste of tears.

every time he'd talked to her after she went away - every single time - he'd ended up crying. not to her face. but afterward.

i'm the vicious vacuum of absence.

he knew he wasn't a part of her life any more. and he hated hearing about her from others. reminded him of how far they really had grown apart.

i'm the dead drumming of distance.

they could never be friends. he knew she'd never tell him any of the problems she might be facing. he could never care for her the way he wanted to.

i'm the impending implosion of inevitability.

they weren't meant to be together. ever. he had been forced by events to realise this. and so this day he was going to end it.

i'm the cold clutch of fear.

but how would it feel like? to never talk to her? not listen to that voice? or that laugh? a number on the phone that couldn't be dialed.

i'm the wistful wave of lost love.

"keep smiling. and take good care of yourself."

i'm the raucous ring of the death knell.

--------------------------

[written in 'fight club' style :). and yes, late goodbye is a wonderful song.]

ragging

काली चादर से ढक उसे
रात भर धुनते हैं तारे
तभी सूरज लाल आंखों से
सुबह दुखते पाँव पसारे
पिटाई की सोच ही वो
इतना घबरा जाता है
शाम होती नही कि उसका
रंग फ़िर धूमिल हो जाता है

abject surrender

i've stopped on this road
filled up the inside with stones
i'm dropping anchor here
i can't go any further

the water's all around
and i'm gasping for breath
but i won't be trying for the bank
i'll stay here and wait for sunny skies

the colors i've thrown them away
content with my black and white
i'll be painting pictures so henceforth
them and some yellow

there are tears in foggy eyes
but i've stopped caring for them
i don't know why they are there
for all i know, it might be the rain

there's something i'm abandoning today
something i held very tight
clutched on it even when it was gone
an empty void of memories

i've given up on love

remembering darkness

जुगनुओं की भीड़ में कहीं
गुम हो गया है मेरा अँधेरा
चकाचौंध से थकी आँखें
ढूंढें कोई निर्जन बसेरा

रौशनी का शोर है यहाँ
सहमी सी है परछाईं मेरी
अँधेरी तू आ जा कहीं से
छुपा ले बाहों में तेरी

मेरी बातें इस शोर में
कहीं गुम हो जाती हैं
ना कह सकूं बातें तो
तेरी याद बड़ी आती है

जुगनू तो बस यही चाहें
आँखें मैं खोल लूं
और मैं चाहूँ पलकें मूँद
कुछ तुझसे बोल लूं

मैं बैठा हूँ यहीं
कब वो चले जायेंगे
तब तुम चुपके से आना
फिर सुन्दर सपने आएंगे

बस एक मेरा वाला
जुगनू रह जाये पीछे
आंखें अँधेरी स्लेट पे
जुगनू की लकीरें खींचें

--------

जुगनू पर इतने भी बुरे नही होते। इसलिए संक्षेप में:

जुगनू प्यारा कभी कभी
तंग कर देता है
मैं आँखें मींचूं कि
उजाला कर देता है
अब कौन उसे समझाए
कभी अच्छे भी होते हैं साए

---------------

the image is of 'Fireflies on Water' - by Yayoi Kasuma (b. 1929), a 2002 installation that measures 115 by 144 by 144 inches and consists of mirrored walls, 150 lights and water. more details and pics here.

hmm...

कभी मिलोगे रास्ते में कहीं
तो अनजान बन निकल जाओगे
और हम यहाँ आस लगाये बैठे हैं
कि जाने फ़िर तुम कब आओगे

-----------

हम तुम्हारी कुछ यादें बटोर रहे थे
कि कभी इत्मीनान से खुश होंगे
पर क्या पता था कि थैली में हमारे
बदकिस्मती के अनगिनत छेद होंगे

------------

let us see now!!

मैं सो जाता हूँ बातें करते
और बदमाश तारे गायब हो जाते हैं
सुबह होते ही जाने कहाँ
अपनी अलग दुनिया को चले जाते हैं
ये शैतानी मुझे बिल्कुल नही भाती
कल से मैं इसका इंतजाम करूंगा
देखता हूँ फ़िर कहाँ जाते हैं सारे
सोते वक्त आसमान में ताला लगा दूँगा

i wish...

i wish
all the frowns you frown
are temporary creases
ending in another crease
the dimple of a smile

i wish
all the words you say
make other people's memories
and for every word
there be a heart you touch

i wish
all the tears you cry
aren't from the salty sea
but bring you the sweet taste
of unbridled, unending happiness

i wish
all the dreams you dream
aren't just visions in the night
but come back with the day
shining brightly with sunshine

i wish
all the wishes you wish
on brilliant shooting stars
give you all the stars you wish for
and more stars to wish on

i wish
all the smiles you smile
go round and round
make the world smile
and come back to you

responsibility

-> i know nothing beyond paint :P
-> in case you don't know where this is inspired from, you don't deserve to be told. but still, the 'architect' lives here.
-> i failed in art class in std 1 :P

discomfort

घोडे बेच कर
मैं तो सोया
पर बेरहमी से
उसने मुझे जगाया
थोड़ा सा ढूँढा
तो मैंने पाया

आँखों में रौशनी
चुभ रही है
तारों की छत
टपक रही है

the thing is...

there's this lump in my throat
all the words i want to say
stuck in an incoherent bunch

there's this urge i'm holding in
to jump up and hug you tight
hold on to you and not let you go

there's only so much i can look at you
i steal a furtive glance and look away
i know you're everything i've ever wanted

there's this wish you stayed still like that
your hair thrown back, animated eyes talking
and i could hide that moment somewhere safe

there's this thing i've got to tell you
i love you

a more detailed (and scientific) explanation of this phenomenon is here. :P

thorns in the side

on-road peeves:
->the 'mobile' people. especially ones who slow down all of sudden, only to whip out a cellphone. in the middle of the road. 
->the car drivers who drive REAL slow. and stay to the right side of the road.
->the honkers. have horn. will honk. people who can't fly shouldn't want others to.
->the daredevils. guys who will thread in and out of traffic. just because they have a cool bike. expecting others to brake and let them pass. and will stare if not allowed to.
->the 'learners' who'll begin their learning in the narrowest of lanes. thus becoming the weakest link in the chain.
->the auto-waalas. the name is enough.


online peeves:
->flash ads that expand to fill half of the page.
->pages where any click anywhere opens up a pop-up ad. [eg. ibnlive and ndtv]
->sites opening everything in either a pop-up window or a new page.
->pages which devote very little of the page real estate to actual matter. [like 3-columned blogs.]
->people who don't publish the full feed of their blogs.
->articles mentioning online resources and not giving that as a link.

ensemble

kludge:
A kludge (or kluge) is a workaround, a quick-and-dirty solution, a clumsy or inelegant, yet effective, solution to a problem, typically using parts that are cobbled together.
[source: wikipedia.]

hindi translation:
कहीं का ईंट, कहीं का रोडा, भानुमती ने कुनबा जोड़ा

came across this word while reading an article on snow-leopard-vs-windows7. it was used for the native xp mode on windows7.

anyhoo, isn't this what we all do everyday? for all our problems?

i love kludging. :)

jlt

joke of the day:
naween to shopkeeper: bhaiya, bees 'cadbury's shots' waala toffee dena.
shopkeeper to naween: arre! kya baat hai! ye toffee to kismet waale hi khaate hain!
:D :D

pj of the day:
when asked in the employment form, what gender did the gigolo write?
fee-male.

desperate timepass

reliance keeps sending these promotional messages which promise to tell you your fortune, the future of your love life, the perfect job for you and so on and so forth... in search of some costly humor [they charge rs 3/msg], i replied to some of them.

apko shadi se pahle kitni baar pyar hoga?
dear naween, frankly you will have a lot of puppy love before you actually understand and fall in true love. as you mature and recall these 'not so serious' affairs, you will laugh at your past actions. these relationships will still be some of the most wonderful and memorable times of your life. all the people who were a part of your life in the past will add on to your experiences and make you truly understand how special love and your partner are.
[still didn't give me a number]

kab hogi aapki shadi?
dear naween, you may consider and probably get married in your late 20's. you would marry once you are sure that you are ready and mature enough to deal with the stress and strains that may come your way after marriage. you want yourself to be established personally and emotionally. enhancing your understanding and maturity is very important to you. also being independent and all by your own before commitment is also a very important aspect in your consideration.
[late 20's? gosh!! i'm so extraordinary! i know so many people who get married in their early 20's]

how strong is your love?
your love chemistry is excellent. these two powerful signs tend to butt heads with one another. if they worked together, they could do great things. unfortunately, their passion tends to take over and they usually end up arguing. if they could keep the passion under control, it may work but they tend to work better as friends.
[powerful signs? but i typed xxxxxx! i wonder what they made out of all those x's! the obvious possibility frightens me!]

what will your future career be?
hi naween! your name spells success! you are wonderful at planning, initiating and completing projects. an extremely goal-oriented person, you'd thrive as an executive or a public servant revolutionising the society! you would be good in any position that needs organisational and administrative qualities, given that you are so dependable and determined. in fact, civil services would be best suited to you. other fields where you would do well are mathematics and science.
[i'm thinking of putting all these qualities on my CV]

what should you look for in your perfect partner?
hi naween, you have a haughty and strong demeanour, which never ever lets people know how caring and generous you are from inside. you need to look for a partner who has some difference with you, as that will help in complimenting differences. your perfect partner would be the one who knows how to cross small hurdles and strengthen your love and compatibility. you love getting involved in intelligent talk so a person with sharp intellect will always ensure a good relation.
[me has a strong demeanour?? yeah!! somebody finally understood me!]

the impossible match

समंदर बिछा कर हवाओं पर चलती है वो
लहरों सी टूटती-बिखरती-बनती है वो
उड़ते-उड़ते जब ख़त्म हो जाता मेरा आसमान
अपने पंखों से बादल गिरा देती है वो

खुद में सिमटा सा मैं देखता रहता हूँ
कैसे मेरा सारा जहाँ पलक झपकते सजा देती है वो
पानी की तस्वीरों की तरह छूने से डरता हूँ उसे
कि कहीं अपनी ही हवाओं में गुम ना हो जाये वो

क्यूँ रहती है आस पास कहीं जबकि जानती है वो
ना मैं उड़ पाऊँगा कभी, ना ज़मीन पे आयेगी वो

ahem ahem

quote of the day: if you really want to speed things up, stop looking at the watch.

pj of the day: how did the couple manage to stay on the same page? because the girl was miss-understanding.

mixed feelings

there's a river between
where we are and
where we want to be

लहरें शायद हमें
दो किनारों पे कहीं
पटक देना चाहती हैं

maybe they don't like
the way i hold your hand
the way we hold hands

लाख कोशिश कर हारी नदी
हताशा से अब भरी है
हमें अलग करने पर पडी है

and now all it can do
is make it hard for us
the bank keeps getting further

और हम यहाँ अटके हैं
दुश्मन समंदर में
मंजिल से बहुत दूर

but don't you worry dear
you are all the courage
i'll ever need
with you by my side
the black clouds around us
have a sliver of sunshine

हाथ ये मेरा तुम
थामे रहो बस यूँ ही
तुम्हारी कुछ लकीरों से
उलझी रहें मेरी लकीरें

[i know this is kinda incoherent and slipshod. but i was just trying to test the hypothesis that i think in english when i write in hindi and vice versa. i think it's true.
the pic is by Crazy]

it shouldn't end

हम तो चले जा रहे थे
आंखों में लिए सपने कई
फ़िर जाने क्या हुआ
अचानक ठोकर लग गई
चलने में ही हम खुश थे
जाने कहाँ से मंजिल मिल गई

two-in-one

i told them to stand in a line
all the colors of my life
and like boys who've been scolded
they did so with long sullen faces
each one tried to hide behind the other
vying to be the very last in the line
i counted them all and found some missing
colors i had lost somewhere on the way
but for every lost one i found many others
not like the ones i lost, but no less
i gave them a hard look, all the reds and blues
the bright yellows and the chirpy greens
and then i realised what i'd been missing
there were no absent colors, nothing lost ever
i had let them be themselves, setting them free
and they had played together and mixed well
and of all the emotions and fervour and glee
there had risen some entirely new colors
so now i had my brilliant purples and lazy browns
colors enough to make a thousand-colored rainbow

------


मैंने अपने सारे रंग सहेजे थे
आंसुओं और मुस्कानों को
अलग कोठरियों में बंद रखा था
दिल-दिमाग के बीच एक खाई खोद
ख़ुद को बड़ा समझदार बूझ रहा था

पर फ़िर बारिश हो गई

भीगे आंसू गीली मुस्कानों से जा मिले
दिल-दिमाग की खाई पानी से पट गई
सारी समझदारी धरी की धरी रह गई
सारे रंग मटियामेट हो
जाने क्या से क्या हो गए

बारिशों में जाने
क्या जादू होता है
मैं कुछ सोचूँ
और वो कुछ और ही
तस्वीर बना देती है
क्योंकि मेरे पास
बस थोड़े ही रंग हैं
और मेरे सपनों
के सारे रंग
बस बारिश ही
बना सकती है

अब लत लग गई है बारिशों की
उसकी बूंदों में घोल
रोज़ नए रंग बनाता हूँ
कोठरियां टूट गई हैं
आंसुओं को भी अब मैं
मुस्कानों का राग सुनाता हूँ

[both pics by Crazy. the second one is the reflection of colored boats in a lake.]

before and after

कहते हैं बातें करो
किसी ख़ास से तो
वक़्त थम जाता है
बातों की गली से
कुछ मुस्कानों का
रास्ता जाता है

कुछ बदनसीबों की
बातों का मतलब
कुछ और होता है
खूब बातें करते हैं
क्योंकि आंखों के सामने
वक़्त जाता होता है

----

अपने हिस्से की खामोशी
हाथों में थामे
वो चलता रहता है
बातों की यादों से बातें
गुमसुम सी फरियादें
वो करता रहता है

बातों भरी मुस्कानों की
गली में अब चुप्पी का
पहरा सा होता है
किसी से ना कह पाए
उन बातों को ले
पगला बस रोता है

all alone

सूनी बाहें फैलाये
सूखा दरख्त कहता है
भूरेपन के पीछे
इक हरा रंग बसता है

कुछ यादों पे अपना
बस ना कभी चलता है
जब भी शाम आती है
अकेलेपन का अँधेरा खलता है

[photo by Basu. this poem is kinda incomplete. i know what will complete it and still it doesn't fit.]